


an unusual situation

by meliore



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anxiety, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Character, Oblivious Bucky Barnes, Oblivious Tony Stark, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Pining Bucky Barnes, Pining Tony Stark, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Self-Discovery, Trans Character, Trans Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2019-10-29 06:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 68,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17802701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meliore/pseuds/meliore
Summary: When the year started, Bucky - as someone who had never questioned his sexuality in his life - didn't expected anything out of the usual to happen.But then, when Steve invited him to a double date with his girlfriend and someone else, and when someone else turned out to not be a woman, well...It goes downhill from there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what this is honestly
> 
> this is the first thing i write that is like this. it's not something i've ever expected to actually write. i like the result, though.
> 
> also, my first 2019 work that was done in 2019. yay
> 
> maybe this is out of character. maybe it's not.
> 
> this was revised, but there might be some some wrong things. i don't actually trust my english enough to say there's no mistakes
> 
> tagged teen and up for bad words. ~bad~ words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Slightly edited/revised on 09/09/2019 - it's pretty similar to what it originally was, but some changes were made.)

Stevie is nervous, his face is paler than its normal and his hands are shaking. _He's o_ _verreacting_ , Bucky thinks.

He’s not used to dating. It amazes Bucky that he managed to get a girlfriend, because he could be a shy kid, especially when it came to dating. And somehow it grew into a double date.

And even though Stevie had other friends - Wilson (a personal betrayal, but Bucky was willing to overlook it) and Romanova (he wasn't as willing to overlook this one) - he seemed to have decided it was his personal mission to take Bucky out of the apartment they shared and force him to socialize with people other than the landlord and Stevie himself.

But Bucky never admitted a weakness, and he is always up for a date. And Stevie _was_ his little brother. So he could do that, for him.

“We’re going to a coffee shop,” he said. “Then we go to the movies, watch something, and go back home. Got it?”

Bucky nodded.

Another thing he was willing to do for Stevie, aside from going to a date despite not really being in the mood to do that, was going to a boring date. The girl won't be so boring, after all. It’s just not possible to have a boring date with a boring girl at the same time. It _can’t_ be.

“You don’t like it,” Stevie sounded insecure, in search for approval. “Do you?”

“You don’t have to care if I like it or not,” Bucky answered. “You have to care for what she likes or doesn't. That’s the key for success.”

Stevie smiled, but he was still as nervous as he was a while ago. Bucky could see it in the way that he trembled, and how his smile made him seem to be more uncomfortable than happy.

“It is when you’re an athlete,” he replied.

Bucky sighed.

“That was in high school.”

“But you were the best soccer player, weren’t you?”

He shrugged.

“Maybe you're right.”

They are silent for the next minutes. It's not complete silence - Stevie tried to make some small talk and Bucky replied; he whistled a bit, too. He should have brought his phone with him.

“So,” he gave up trying to stay silent. “when is your date and her friend arriving?”

Stevie smiled, far more natural now.

“We just have to wait a little bit, they’re getting here.”

“Sure they are.”

The date, and her friend, is a mystery. Stevie is hiding how they look and how they act from Bucky, and Bucky can’t tell if he’s doing it on purpose - maybe because of jealousy - or if he’s completely unaware of it. But he’s hiding it from Bucky, and that makes Bucky anxious.

It was the good type of anxiety, though.

(He couldn't say the same for Stevie’s.)

He noticed, then, a change in Stevie’s posture. He began to look excited. Happy.

“They’re here!” he exclaimed. Bucky tried to search for them, but he just saw a bunch of people in a shopping mall.

“Where?”

Stevie pointed to them; Bucky could say he couldn’t tell which one was dating Stevie, but he saw the way that he smiled at the girl and how she smiled back at him.

He looked to his date and he couldn't say anything. He was speechless.

Stevie hugged the girl. There was a sweet energy to the hug that Bucky has never seen him have with anyone else - and he was used to seeing his best friend being sweet to a lot of people. When he hugged... Bucky’s date, it was more friendly, less intimate than it was with the girl. He does look a bit surprised.

“Well,” he said, once they have finished hugging each other. “I, hum. This is Sharon, Bucky. She’s my...”

He looked like he was at a loss for words. Bucky wasn't alone, then. That's good.

“Special someone,” Sharon suggested. “You can call me that.”

“Are you sure?” he whispered - kind of. Bucky, feeling a bit too much left out, and also a bit embarrassed, waved to his date, who waved back.

“You told me you like calling me that,” she smiled. Stevie smiled, once again, and nodded. He looked to Bucky.

“So, yeah, Sharon is my special someone. And this is her friend, Anthony.”

Anthony rolled his eyes.

“Let’s go eat,” Stevie said. It sounded a bit like an order. He pushed Sharon forward, in Bucky's direction - and he did it delicately. Bucky felt very surprised seeing this, because Stevie couldn't be delicate with most of the things in their house, but he could be delicate with this girl - and his smile turned into the unnatural thing again. (And boy, that wasn't a good view.) “So, uh, you two can talk here, while I and Tony talk over there. We will be right behind you!”

Bucky nodded. He wasn't sure of how he should react to this… Thing. Because he's not bisexual or pan. Or gay.

Maybe Stevie has seen his Google search history and thinks otherwise.

Well, whatever it is, he can handle the embarrassment until the end of the date.

He has handled worse things before.

//

It took Sharon a while to talk to him.

After a few minutes in mutual silence, he didn't thought that she would. It would be fitting if his best friend had a girlfriend who was as shy as he was.

“So, where do we start?”

He turned his head to his right, just enough to look at her, and frowned.

“What do you mean?”

But it wouldn't be cool if Stevie had a girlfriend who was as shy as he was. Because if their relationship lasts long enough, she will begin to come to their apartment and Bucky is sure that she would get better, but until then, there will be a tense silence and he has already dealt with that from Stevie before. He’s not sure if he can do it again.

Though he will admit that his best friend is a problematic person to deal with.

“Well. I don’t know. Do we start by telling each other our full names?”

Names, no.

Stevie is probably going to keep trying, since this is his first girlfriend. Or maybe she's not. But it came to the point where he decided to bring her to meet Bucky, which was an indication of something important no matter if she is his first girlfriend or not. So he is going to have the chance to hear her full name and the history behind each name later.

For now, he had a different plan.

He looked behind.

Stevie is five steps behind them, talking to Anthony, or Tony, like he called him. He looked back to Sharon before the two could notice that he was staring at them.

“About your friend...”

She looked behind for a moment, just like he did, but she was faster to turn her head back to where she had been looking to before.

“Tony?” he nodded. “Oh. That’s a bit of a long story.”

Bucky doesn't knows what is the best way to make her talk about it, so he chose to be quiet and let it go.

He tried to.

But his curiosity spoke louder.

“Could you sum it up for me?”

She nodded.

"Of course. I was going to bring my friend, Natasha. Steve told me that you were interested in her,” oh. Oh my God. Bucky had nearly been forced to spend an entire day in a double-date with Stevie’s girlfriend and his fuckin--  _his ex_. “But she called me and said that she's sick, but that she knew who could come. She said that it was a friend of ours. The friend ended up being Tony,” she finished to explain. “So, we’re here.”

“I see,” he mumbled. He noticed that she stopped walking, so he stopped too. “What?”

“We’re here,” she pointed. “The shop.”

Maybe something good will come out of this. Maybe all the embarrassment that he is going through right now is making Stevie look better.

Bucky has a feeling that Romanova is not sick.

//

They enter the shop and Stevie finds a table for them. After Bucky and Tony sit down, he and Sharon walk to the counter, to order what the four of them will eat. Or drink. He's not sure.

Bucky forgot to mention that he - both of them - wasn't asked what he wanted to eat or drink.

He looked to his date. He has never planned to be or even thought that he would be in a date with a man. He has no clue of what to do.

Maybe he should try to approach this as if it were nothing more than a meeting between two friends.

“Should I call you Anthony?”

Anthony smiled. It was a cute view.

“You can call me Tony,” he answered. “I like it better.”

“Really? I mean, I think that your name is nice.”

Tony giggled.

Bucky was about to say more when Stevie interrupted them, holding two cups of what he assumed were coffee milkshakes.

It's disgustingly sweet, but he drank his cup for Stevie.

He felt embarrassed again.

But this time, the slightly tense energy that he was feeling has stopped; he smiled to Tony, and Tony smiled back.

//

When they left the coffee shop and started to walk in the direction of the foyer, there is another opportunity to talk.

He thinks that Stevie is what-- who-- well, he's the reason Bucky's feeling embarrassed.

“Is your name really Bucky?” Tony asked.

Bucky blinked, not understanding what he heard at first, but once he did...

The question didn't surprised him.

“Stevie walks around convincing people that my name is Bucky,” he mumbled. “I’ve just entered a nightmare.”

Tony chuckled.

“You get used to it,” he said.

Anthony is, at least, a better name than Bucky.

(Not that Bucky would let anyone but himself agree with this; he might be self-conscious, but he has pride.)

But opinions are a messy thing and all that bullshit.

He’s not going to have those thoughts unless he is about to sleep. He can’t allow himself to.

“Not sure I could,” he answered, reminding himself that he is not about to sleep right now, so it's not the time to have complex thoughts about things. “But no, it’s not. My name’s James.”

“That’s my best friend’s name,” Tony mumbled. It seemed to be automatic. Specially since he said 'sorry,' as soon as he noticed he said it.

Bucky is into men just as much as he is into Jane Austen - not at all, not his thing, but hey, it’s cool if it’s someone else's thing.

He was just friendzoned, though, which, by the way: _nice_.

“It’s okay,” he replied. “What really matters is his middle and last name.”

“Rupert Rhodes.”

He makes a face.

“Well, I suppose I am in no place to say something,” he said. “Mine’s Buchanan Barnes. At least it’s not Smith.”

Stevie’s voice interrupts their conversation - again. Is he seriously going to be interrupted every time he is forgetting his embarrassment?

“So, which movie are we going to see? I thought that it would be cool to let you decide, Bucky. You always let me decide, so...”

Here it is, the mention of something nice about Bucky in front of two other people. Man, Stevie is really serious about Sharon.

Bucky thought about which one he should choose. There are two movies that call his attention - a horror and a rom-com.

Well. If there is anyone who could make the _couple watching a horror movie_ cliche happen in real life, it's Stevie. But Sharon might be more interested in romance.

“I’m not sure,” he sighed. “Which one do you two like more?”

“Us?” Sharon asked. He nodded. “We, hum, we have different opinions about them.”

He analyzed the situation. If he goes back with Stevie to their apartment after watching the horror movie Stevie is going to have trouble sleeping, which Bucky honestly thinks that shouldn’t happen - shouldn't be allowed - to someone who claimed to not believe in anything related to religion.

Which, in Bucky’s definition, included spirits and demons.

“We better separate, then,” he said. “What do you want to watch, Tony?”

“Me?” Tony seemed to not believe that he was the one who Bucky was talking to. No. Scratch that. He _didn't_ believed that he was the one who Bucky was talking to. “I-- well--”

“I heard that the rom-com is a tearjerker,” Sharon commented. “Tony is looking forward to watching it. He talks about it on Twitter all the time and everything.”

Okay then.

Rom-coms aren’t his thing but neither are horror movies, so it's not like he has a preference.

“Let’s make a bet,” he suggested.

“What bet?” Tony asked. So did Sharon. So did Stevie.

“Between me and Tony only,” Bucky answered, with a tiny smile on his face.

Stevie pouted.

They buy the tickets together, and after, they separate.

Bucky and Tony enter the corridor leading to the auditorium. There is something calming about how empty it is, about how all the sounds from the rest of the mall are distant.

“So,” Bucky sighed. “I have no issues if you’re not, but I...” he bit his lip.

“You?”

“I,” it felt hard to say this. Well, it is. Bucky is used to being secretive about himself. He believes that this is a very personal thing, something that he doesn’t wants to put out in the world. Identity, he means. He has-- oh, he’s gonna think about this again. Only before he goes to sleep. “I, hum, I'm straight.”

“I knew,” Tony replied. Bucky looked to him.

“You did?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “Natasha told me.”

It’s always her, isn’t it?

“And you accepted this date because...?” he frowned.

“For the same reason as you, I guess,” Tony shrugs. Again. Bucky can relate. “A friend needed help with something unusual and I was willing to help them. Sharon has been happier lately,” it’s too soon to try and identify anything, but Bucky feels like this is similar to how he feels about Stevie. Being happy because of his happiness, even though he’s a stubborn asshole. (Stevie disagrees with both, but the stubborn part is, at least, possible to be true.) “I thought _why not_ , you know?”

“Would you rather be with a girl too?”

Tony didn't even needed to think before he answered.

“No. I mean, I don’t describe myself as anything, you know? I don't label myself. But I’m perfectly comfortably with you."

Bucky couldn't avoid smiling.

“Same,” he said. “I mean, I'm straight, but I’m perfectly comfortably with you too.”

They entered the auditorium, which was not-so-empty but also not-so-full.

//

Bucky was crying by the end of the movie while Tony was, literally, crying on his shoulder.

Sharon - and the critics - said the truth, the movie had been a tearjerker.

Once they walked out of the auditorium and went back to the foyer, it wasn't hard to spot Stevie and Sharon. Not because two people with the same hair color was easier to spot than two people with different hair colors, but because there was a man near the wall that looked as white as it.

“I knew I shouldn’t have allowed you to watch a horror movie,” he mumbled.

“Shut up,” Stevie replied.

Sharon, who was looking to Steve, seemed worried.

“Do you two want to come with us? In the taxi, I mean.”

“I’m fine,” Stevie said. Sharon didn't looked like she believed him at all. “I'm serious, Sharon, I'm fine. You two can go home."

"You promise to me you're fine?"

Stevie did lie about being fine (physically) a lot. If she has noticed it, Bucky is finally not going to be alone in his suffering.

"I promise," he smiled. "You'll be the first person to know if I'm not feeling fine."

“Okay, then,” she sighed and kissed his cheek. “Bye, love. See you later, Bucky.”

Bucky is too busy being disgusted to reply. Is this how Stevie felt whenever Bucky brought a girl to their apartment?

“Bye,” Stevie, though, is not busy at all, so he is free to reply her.

Bucky and Tony wave to each other, weakly.

After a few more seconds, Stevie is back to his normal color.

“Did you cry?” he asked, staring at Bucky’s face. His eyes are probably red. Or swollen. Or both.

“That movie was _meant_  to make people cry. Of course I cried.”

Stevie smiled.

When they walk out of the shopping mall, though, he’s not so confident.

“There was a scene in the movie that was--“

Bucky would wait for him to finish what he was saying, but he was already used to hearing this.

“Exactly like this, yeah. Stevie, it’s a horror movie. You’re gonna spend the entire next month thinking like that.”

Stevie said that was an exaggeration, but Bucky knew better.

//

Later, when his best friend has already went to sleep, at 2am, Bucky receives a message in his phone.

The message is from a number that he doesn't recognizes.

 _ **hey  
** _ _**are you awake?** _

_Yes, strange voice_ , he joked. _And who are you?_

 _**it’s me, tony  
** _ _**steve gave me your number** _

Stevie is, honestly, a curse in his life. He would never give him up, but if he isn't a fucking curse, Bucky doesn't knows what he is.

 _oh. I only use text messages for serious things  
_ _but I have a twitter_

 ** _interesting_  
** _**so u talked about a bet earlier  
** **what was it?**_

Bucky had forgotten about the bet, but he smiled, now that he remembered it.

 _i’m not someone who usually cries because of romcoms  
_ _so, the bet was going to be that if i ended up crying, i’d have plans for this saturday._

_**plans?** _

_yes_  
_only if you want to come to mcdonalds with me  
_ _sorry, but it’s the only restaurant with food that i like that i can think of_

 _**it’s ok. i’ve never been there, actually  
** _ _**we’ve known each other for 1 day though** _

_exactly. you look like an interesting guy_  
_and stevie kept interrupting us_  
_and I have work all week_  
_so it would be nice to get to know you  
__i could be your other friend named james._

 _ **rhodey would be very jealous of that, so i’m not sure about it  
** _ _**but you can be my only friend named bucky for sure** _

Tony linked his Twitter.

 _**and you don’t have to follow me, but if you want to  
** _ _**i tend to use it more than text messages** _

Bucky followed him. He couldn't help but notice how different their accounts seemed to be.

Tony followed him back.

 _ **i have to sleep now  
** _ _**or at least try so i can tell rhodey that i tried** _

_good luck_

_**thx  
** _ _**good night, James.** _

_good night, Tony._

Bucky waited for another message for two minutes before guessing that it wouldn't come, since sometimes people sent him more messages after saying that they were going to sleep.

He hoped that Tony was actually sleeping and not just tossing and turning in bed.

He looked to one of the books in the shelf - the one that used to be Mrs. Rogers’ favorite - and he was bored just by looking at the cover, but maybe it would help him to fall sleep.

It was Pride and Prejudice, written by Jane Austen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a smut, but this is what it became
> 
> (Quick note, written on 09/09/2019 - the 'couple watching a horror movie cliche' line is a reference to the cliche of a couple formed by a man and a woman watching a horror movie that includes one of them being very scared by the movie and seeking physical comfort in the other person. I'm not sure if that is a real cliche, but I remember having seen it in some TV series.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky hates his boss, loves McDonald's fries and thinks that Tony's smile has a good energy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to write a continuation for something for the first time! Maybe it's because even though my opinion about this wasn't good I kept on writing. Still no good opinion but here it is!
> 
> I can, after all, exclude, rewrite, and all that later.
> 
> I'm tired and I think I spent the entire day feeling anxious, so, not feeling very good right now, but I still wanted to do something about this story so... Here this is.
> 
> There might be spelling mistakes, things that don't make sense or it might be bad as a whole. I tried to stop this from happening but as I said, I'm tired.
> 
> (And once I write, it's hard for me to rewrite, so, yeah.)
> 
> (Also, I have no posting schedule, so if you want to see more of this, you might have to wait a bit.)
> 
> If anyone chooses to read this, I hope you like it! Somehow!
> 
> also. rendezvous is a funny word to use. it's just... so fancy to me.
> 
> (Slightly edited/revised on 09/12/2019.)

Bucky could say that he waited patiently for Saturday, but that would be a lie.

He  _did_ wait for it, but he had been anxious all-week, especially since he felt like the week was taking an eternity to end. The anxiety part of it wasn’t normal for him, but he supposes it was caused because he has never dealt with a situation similar to the one he’s in.

And, okay, it has been a while since he had a date - an actual date - but there’s no way he forgot how to entertain a girl in such a short period of time.

Of course Tony’s not a girl, and it’s not a date, but the comparison makes sense.

Kind of.

In his head.

So, not a date. He dated a lot of women. But it’s not a date.

The next thing that he can think of is that there have been  _a lot_ of people that he has agreed to meet.

Back then, when he was a teen or before he was twenty-one, he was far more willing to meet new people. After he began to work, the only people he met were people that he was forced to, because of his job, but they were still people and he still managed to talk to them.

So even if it’s not a date, he can do it.

But the people he met were also people that he had never met before, so the comparison might make sense, but it’s still not accurate.

So, maybe a rendezvous?

He used to do that before. Back then when he was not as busy as he is nowadays, and back then when he often was in the mood for it. And before that, when he was a teen, _man_ , any time a soccer game happened meant a rendezvous would happen between The Howling Commandos.

(That includes the ones that they could only watch on TV, or on internet.)

A rendezvous is accurate.

But even if he had all of these experiences before, when he compares them, he’s still feeling anxious.

When he thinks about it, while showering, which is the most appropriate moment to _think_ , he supposes that it’s because of his work.

He could hear Stevie talk about it somewhere in his head.

“You work too much,” he’d say, with his arms crossed. “And you come back home exhausted because of it, and your boss is an ass. Of course you’re feeling anxious.”

That's just his imagination, but it’s based on a real story, which included Stevie trying to convince Bucky to fight Pierce or quit his job. And then it included Bucky trying to explain to a Stevie that was more immature than he is today that Pierce was an ass but he paid enough for them to be pretty much comfortable and he needed the money.

He takes a deep breath. He wouldn't work for Pierce if he could. When he told Rebecca about it for the first time, she said that it was because of the bad energy Pierce brought with him wherever he went.

He would laugh, but he isn't sure if she’s wrong. Pierce is an asshole by himself, yes, and he can’t not acknowledge that, but if there is anyone in the world who has bad energy, it has to be him.

And there it is: Bucky exchanged one bad feeling for another.

 _Anyway_ , he thinks, as he begins to wash his hair. _Pierce is the worse thing that has ever happened to me, but I already knew that_.

//

He doesn’t even wants to know how much time he spent in the shower, by the time that he comes out of it. But once he’s in the bedroom, he's feeling far calmer.

The hot water of the shower is better than a therapy session.

The anxiety is still there, and the anger he feels directed at Pierce has been there for a considerable amount of time, so it’s not going to disappear now, but he's feeling better.

Now he can think about the good part of his week too. He’s a bit embarrassed about the fact that it’s related to Tony. He’s been thinking about him too much.

It’s a normal thing, since they’ve been friends - Bucky might not put him in the same category that he puts Stevie or the Howling Commandos or _Wilson_ , but he likes to talk to him, so he’s gonna call him a friend and no one will stop him - for such a short time, but he’s just… embarrassed.

He’s not used to liking a guy so much.

A bit too late, maybe, he realizes Stevie has been staring at him as if he were a puzzle.

“What?”

Stevie shakes his head and begins to type something on his phone, looking down so he can stare at it. Bucky bets that he’s not typing anything that makes sense, but acting as if he weren't staring at his best friend as if he were a fucking puzzle just now.

Bucky, satisfied with not being stared at, thus, not having to deal with the knowledge that Stevie is thinking about something (which is always a bad sign), tries to choose some clothes.

He tries.

But he ends up only putting his underwear.

And, yes, he’s aware that he’s just going to McDonald’s.

“It’s just,” Stevie begins. Bucky was kind of expecting that. When he has something to say, he says it, whatever it is. “I mean, it’s none of my business or anything, but...”

So, it definitely has to do with Bucky. He puts his hands in his waist, in a poor imitation of his mother’s angry pose, and looks to him.

“Spit it out,” he orders.

“I--“ whatever it is, it makes him put his cellphone aside. “Do you have a date?”

Bucky believes that everyone has a different way of thinking, even if their way of thinking is really similar, so he believes that people will have really different thoughts.

Stevie’s bizarre conclusions never fail to amaze him, though.

“Why do you ask?”

Stevie scratches his head.

“I mean,” he clears his throat. “It’s-- isn’t it obvious?”

No, it’s not.

Bucky guesses that Stevie can see what his answer is just by staring at his face, or his eyes, or both, since he continues:

“It’s just that… you’ve been acting different lately.”

“Different _how_?” he presses, because that? That’s not a real answer. And if he doesn’t presses Stevie for a real answer, he’s not going to get one.

That’s how Stevie is, since they met for the very first time.

“You’re spending a lot of your free-time talking to someone in your phone. And you barely talked to _me_ with it before,” yeah, like Bucky’s gonna force himself to communicate with Stevie through more than one way unless he’s worried about him or something like that. “And I’ve caught you smiling at your phone. And you’ve been smiling a lot lately and-- well, you have been staring at your clothes for minutes, and you showered.”

“I shower, at the very least, once a week,” he replies.

“Maybe you do, but you never use anything besides water to wash your hair,” well. He’s right. “And I can smell your hair from here.”

Bucky frowns, and ignores everything Stevie said, aside from that.

Did he exaggerate?

“Is the smell tolerable?” he asks. “At least, I mean.”

“See, that’s what I’m talking about! You’re worried that you used too much shampoo. You didn’t, by the way, but you’re worried about it!”

He sighs.

He could say he has no idea of what Stevie’s talking about, but he can see what his point is.

“It’s not a date,” he says. “I’m trying to befriend a guy, and I want to make a good impression on him.”

Stevie looks like he wasn’t expecting that answer. Bucky’s aware of the reputation he built for himself (and prideful of it, too), so he can see what Stevie’s point is, _and_ why it surprises him that it’s not a date.

He does get surprised, though, when Stevie asks if it’s because of his work.

The answer should be easy. A simple no.

But if he says it is, Stevie’s not going to bother him about it. And it’s not gonna be a harmful lie.

And Bucky feels a little less embarrassed with that answer.

So he decides to lie. Kind of.

“You could say that.”

He didn’t had the heart to completely lie about it. He wondered what his mother would say and, honestly, he thought about what could happen if he said a complete lie. Whenever people do that in fiction, it tends to backfire.

“Good luck,” Stevie wishes him. Bucky nods, and they finish their conversation here.

He looks to his clothes, again.

He decides to go with the most simple choices: a navy-blue shirt with a drawing Stevie made (it’s from the time they were in high-school, and somehow there are no holes in it. Well. No holes that could be seen unless he was only wearing the shirt, or interpreted as anything other than fashion), a leather jacket (not his favorite, because the baby has its special time to be used, but it's a pretty one) and denim jeans.

It’s casual enough for McDonald’s.

It’s not casual enough that there are stains on the clothes.

He thinks that they look good together.

He hopes they do.

And if he had to say the truth, Bucky has no idea why he is so worried about looking good.

//

Ever since Bucky was a child, and his parents only took him and his siblings there for their birthdays, McDonald’s had a peculiar smell.

The smell is nice, he thinks, but he can’t describe it.

He checks his phone; Tony and him agreed to meet here at 2pm, and he’s only a few minutes late.

_Is Tony here? What if he arrived earlier and already left?_

That anxiety is too similar to Stevie’s, so he begs, in thought, for any deity hearing him, _don’t let me turn into Stevie_.

The last thing that he wants to do is feel the bad kind of anxiety, especially when what causes it doesn’t gives any sign of being a bad thing.

Before he can repeat the same process from earlier - getting anxious and not knowing how to stop his thoughts - he sees Tony, only some steps away, alone and typing something in his phone.

 _Okay._   _I can handle this_.

He approaches the table, unsure if he should sit or not. He chooses to not, since he’ll have to stand up to get their orders anyway.

“Am I too late?” he asks. Tony looks to him and smiles, and his smile eases Bucky’s anxiety a bit. There is something about his energy when he smiles like that. It’s something good. Like, very good.

“No,” Tony answers. “I just got here. Nice shirt, by the way.”

“Thanks,” he says, finally smiling back to Tony. He still has no idea of what to do. “Do you, uh, want to order now…?”

Tony blushes.

“I guess so,” he shrugs.

Bucky has been dealing with embarrassment a lot, and he sees a bit of his embarrassment in Tony.

“What’s it?”

“Nothing,” Tony answers. “It’s just that, _you know_ ,” it begins to look more like anxiety, now. Or a mixture of both. “The Happy Meals come with toys, right?” he nods. “I just... saw a cool one.”

Bucky might be wrong, but he thinks Tony’s ashamed because he wants a Happy Meal _because_ he wants the toy. His smile widens, though it’s more of an attempt to calm Tony down.

“Happy Meals are the best,” he replies. “They could be bigger, though. Is that all?”

Tony moves, looking uncomfortable, but he murmurs a _yes_ and tries to smile again.

_The poor guy. No one should be ashamed of wanting the toy._

“I mean,” he scratches his head. It doesn’t surprises Bucky that Stevie has friends that behave just like him when they’re anxious. Though Tony seems like more of a shy guy than an anxious one. “The toy is for my friend’s niece. She likes robotic-ish toys.”

Bucky nods.

“I hope she likes the one I choose, then,” he says. When Tony doesn’t replies that he wants to be the one who chooses the toy for _his friend’s niece_ , he continues. “I’m gonna order.”

He orders a Happy Meal and a Big Mac. Although the Happy Meals are interesting because of the toys they come with, the Big Mac means more fries and more soda. They are, truly, the path to conquest Bucky’s heart. What would fancy dinners ever be next to this?

That’s a bit of an exaggeration - not fully; if a girl ever took him to McDonald’s, judging by the food only, he’d be ready to _worship_ her (that’s another exaggeration, but he has a point, okay) - but he can’t help it. He missed eating a Big Mac, and more than that, he missed coming here.

The toys have, somewhat, the same theme, which is a robotic-ish look. But they’re different. The ones that are meant for girls are tiny animals, most of them in soft colors, and the ones that are meant for boys look like distant relatives of RoboCop. He lets himself wonder, for a second, why people do that, but that’s not only a thought he’d rather avoid unless he’s about to sleep. It's also very complex.

And he has no time to think about it right now, in the middle of a rendezvous.

Once he choose the toy, he waits for some time, and then, he comes back to the table and puts their trays down.

The toy he choose is a red dog. Tony is, at first, silent, and he’s not sure if he misunderstood, and Tony meant that he thought the distant cousins of RoboCop were cool.

But then, he smiles, and it eases Bucky’s anxiety even more. He sits.

“How have you been?”

He takes the plastic straw out of the paper it was in.

“I’m fine, I guess,” Tony imitates him, delicately putting the tiny dog aside. “What about you?”

“It’s complicated,” he answers. “But I’m happy today.”

Bucky tries to be honest. Tony smiles.

“I’m happy today too,” he announces. “More than most days.”

They are happy because of each other, he thinks.

It’s unusual for him to feel like that, so he feels embarrassed.

He begins to drink the soda. (It’s cold, calming.)

What he said isn’t a lie. It’s complicated for him to decide if he’s feeling good lately or not, but he’s happy.

(And he hopes Tony doesn’t notices how he smiled after hearing that today, he's feeling happier than he does most days.)

After some time in silence, the silence stops being calm and begins to make him feel self-conscious.

He chooses to talk about a neutral thing. Stevie.

“So,” he eats one of the fries. “How did you meet Stevie?”

Tony has been playing with the Happy Meal he got, moving it, but not really eating it, Bucky notices. He stays quiet about it, though.

“A friend introduced us,” Tony answers. “We didn’t liked each other back then.”

“I know how that feels,” and how he does. “When I met him for the first time, I thought he was annoying and he thought I was a brute.”

Tony giggles. Bucky does have to admit that when Stevie told him that’s what he thought when they met for the first time, he couldn’t stop laughing.

Although he might’ve been a bit drunk.

“You don’t look like a brute to me,” Tony says.

“I was a very angry kid,” he replies. “I mean, I could be one.”

Tony nods.

“Maybe you just had a strong personality.”

Bucky is not sure if it was a joke, but he laughs anyway.

He’s on the middle of his soda, and he has bit half of the burger - in one bite! - when Tony starts eating.

It reminds him of one of his first dates, who told him that she got too distracted by him to eat.

Well, it’s not like they’re on a date, he thinks yet again, and there’s no way Tony would have a similar opinion to hers. Her opinion included things like _it’s just that you look so good_ and—

He remembers that Tony told him he didn’t labeled himself.

But even if Tony can feel attracted to men, Bucky, despite not thinking low of himself or anything like that, is pretty sure Tony wouldn’t be attracted to him.

He’s also pretty sure that him, being straight, shouldn’t be thinking about that like he is.

And he can’t explain how he’s thinking, but he has a feeling it looks like a sad imitation of feeling rejected.

He decides to talk about something to make the situation less… of what it is right now. And, yes, he does realize the situation’s probably not even close to embarrassing for anyone but himself.

“I have a feeling you like robots,” he says.

When that comes out of his mouth, he’s expecting to hear a _yes, robots are nice_ or _a little_.

But Tony stops, looking to him right when he’s holding the burger. His eyes are serious, but there’s a shine in them. His mouth is open; he was about to _start_ eating it.

“I do,” he says, putting the burger down. “Have you seen Dummy?”

 _I think I just opened a good version of Pandora's Box_ , Bucky thinks.

He shakes his head.

“He’s a robot I created,” Tony says.

“Wait-- you _built_ a robot?” does Stevie realizes what type of friends he has? Probably not, but how can he not talk about this with Bucky?

“I like _created_ more, but, yes. He can be a bit...”  _Stupid?_ , Bucky thinks about suggesting, but judging by the way Tony went from kinda happy, could be better to something that genuinely looks like euphoria, he’s sure this would be offensive to him. “...a bit… well, sometimes he’s an idiot, but I like him a lot.”

That is, literally, something that Bucky never expected to hear from someone talking about a robot.

A friend, a relative or a boyfriend, yes. Maybe an idol. But a robot? That’s new. Really new.

“Does he look nice?” he tries, very unsure of what he’s asking.

A robot.

He can’t believe.

“I think so? I post about him sometimes. On Twitter, I mean.”

Okay. Bucky has to remind himself to try to use Twitter a bit more, or stalk Tony’s profile to find posts.

A robot.

Right under his nose.

Created by someone that he knows.

“That,” he takes a deep breath. “I think that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Tony blushes once again.

“It is,” he covers his smile with his hand. “It is, isn’t it?”

//

After they talk about Stevie and Sharon - individually. Bucky has learned Sharon lives close to Tony, and that they’ve known each other since Tony was a kid (or, at least, pretty young. He didn’t discovered how old he actually was) - and robots, they finish eating.

He has finished minutes ago, to be honest, and he internally pats himself in the back for not asking to eat Tony’s fries.

He is the one who pays for their food. After putting both of their trays in the place it’s indicated to, he comes back to the table. Tony is holding the tiny dog, that’s wrapped in plastic, and he’s still looking very happy at it.

It feels like Bucky’s watching one of those compilations of dogs being cute.

Once they get out of McDonald’s, he takes a deep breath.

“You know,” he starts. “this was the best thing I did in a long time."

“I know,” Tony agrees. “Today was a very good day for me too.”

Oh.

Oh man.

“McDonald’s is better than I was expecting, too,” he continues. “Thanks for bringing me here.”

Bucky smiles.

“I couldn’t let you not come here at least once in your life.”

He is almost rid of the momentary (good?) embarrassment he had when Tony puts his hand in Bucky’s left shoulder.

They both freeze.

For seconds, they stay in that position, just breathing. Then, Tony takes his hand off his shoulder, and Bucky can feel heat in his cheeks.

The worst thing is that he’s not sure why he’s blushing.

Tony waves to him.

“See you later, Bucky.”

Bucky nods, not aware of what he’s doing.

Only when Tony is already some steps away from him he gets out of his… trance. Or whatever he should call what just happened to him.

Maybe their energies conflicted.

(He hates how Rebecca truly ruined his old atheist self.)

“I,” he murmurs. Then, embarrassed, he shouts. “See you later!”

Tony looks back, smiling, and waves again. Bucky waves back.

//

He comes back home; once he enters, Stevie sits in the couch, as if he were expecting him.

“How was it?”

Bucky blinks, having forgotten he said that he was going out with someone to Stevie.

“Have you been thinking about that since I left?”

“It’s work-related,” Stevie crosses his arms, and frowns. “It’s a good reason to get worried. And don’t answer my questions with questions.”

“Yeah, well, the problem is more _you_ being worried than if your worry has a good reason behind it.”

He stops himself from acting like they’re teens again and replying _and I can do whatever I want_ on time.

Bucky takes a deep breath, and sits in the couch.

“How was it?” Stevie repeats.

“It wasn’t bad,” he answers.

No, it wasn’t.

Bucky might’ve felt embarrassed sometimes, but it wasn't bad. At all.

//

Later, before he goes to sleep, he takes Pride and Prejudice from the shelf and continues to read it.

The difference is that this time, he’s not doing it because he wants (needs) to sleep and he thinks he’ll get bored quickly with what he’s about to read; he’s doing it because, interestingly enough, Jane Austen - at least when it comes to Pride and Prejudice - isn’t that bad, and because he wants to read it.

Not an obligation, but something he’s doing because he’s curious about the book, and because for now, it's not so bad.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets drunk. Tony worries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I usually am when I actually write anything that has more than one chapter, I am now chained to this. Meaning: my brain does not know why but it needs to finish this.
> 
> Well. What should I write in here? The only warning I can think of is that Bucky gets drunk. And that this might be bad, y'know, the usual. But it all depends on opinions, I guess.
> 
> That aside, can I just get soft for a moment?
> 
> I love you guys. If you're reading this I love you. For the people who give kudos and the ones who don't. For the people who have left comments and the ones who didn't. I got soft right now and I don't know why. I just... love y'all.
> 
> (This chapter is a short one. Not under 1k but still short!)
> 
> (slightly edited/corrected in 03/28/19)

People can be so good at faking. It’s, truly, something amazing.

Bucky, as an example, is polite (even if not friendly) in his workplace. If Pierce comes and tells him to do this or do that, he does it even if it’s already past his work-hours and he, technically, should be getting ready to go home. When he can, he even smiles.

Another example; Bucky can drink beer with a straight or flirty face even if the taste makes him want to crawl out of his body.

Often, one is connected to another. Pierce didn’t made him stay in the job to do something that’s probably useless, no, he just was his asshole self (this time talking about the wife of one of Bucky’s coworkers. It’s probably someone he hates but talking like Pierce does ‘bout a woman just ain’t a nice thing to do). Although… When was that not enough to get under his skin and make him pissed off at, what, 2am when he can’t sleep?

As he was saying. Pierce did what he does and Bucky, who has been dealing with that for a long time, but began to deal with a worse version of it lately, hit his limit.

And he _knows_ he should go home and rant to Stevie about it. He’d call Tony and get it off his chest but for him, unless he’s in a real bad situation, calling someone he has only known for (almost) a month to talk about his personal issues is nothing but deeply embarrassing.

(Funnily enough, he wouldn’t complain if Tony did that with him.)

He knows all that, but he’s still drinking beers at a bar with cheap prices close to his home. The one he always goes to, by the way.

The new bartender, who looks like Stevie’s lost brother, has already shook his head while looking to Bucky, as if he were watching a tragedy about to happen.

“Are you sure you want to drink more?” he asks after Bucky finishes his glass. “You might want to call someone.”

“Are you kiddin’ me?” he frowns. He also knows the bartender is probably right but he deserves, at least, this. “I am as sober as I could be.”

The bartender shakes his head again, but he serves more beer to Bucky.

And that is when, while looking around, Bucky sees a very beautiful woman.

She smiles in his direction and he can’t help but smile back. She has short black hair, and a cute smile.

She approaches him.

(Little did he knew...)

They talk, just for a bit. He can feel the atmosphere changing, when he hears an angry man yelling what is he doing with his girlfriend.

(Oh, boy. Little did he fucking knew.)

//

“I can’t believe it.”

Bucky nods.

“I know.”

“It’s just--“ Stevie gestures, and then, he huffs. “How could she do that to you?”

Bucky, already past the moment of bitterness he had, is more focused on doing the one thing he thought about when going back home.

Thanks God the man, judging by how easily Bucky got away from him, either didn’t lived there or was new to the neighborhood.

“Yeah,” he nods again. “I know.”

“And… and you don’t even care!”

He smiles. When he says “yeah. I know,” again, he’s deeply enjoying making Stevie annoyed.

That aside, Bucky's typing on his phone, and he realizes how he's really not used to, well, using it.

Between work and sleeping and watching documentaries on Netflix, he just has no time for his phone. And yet, right now, he is far more focused on it than on Stevie.

“You know what,” Stevie stands up, angry, walking in the direction of their kitchen. It is, after all, not so distant, just some steps away. “I’m going to... I don't know, distract myself. You better not get out of here.”

He’s fully aware Stevie is serious. But he just can’t take a chihuahua so seriously.

(He laughs at his own joke.)

“But it’s 1am, Stevie,” he replies, then, and pouts. “I don’t have anywhere to go right now.”

That is, definitely, out of character for him, but since Stevie yells, angrier than ever, he’s too busy laughing to care.

They’ve been in this situation since he came home. Stevie probably woke up as soon as Bucky tried to open the door and failed miserably. And then he probably noticed it was still dark outside, and thought something bad had happened.

Because when it’s later than 9pm and Bucky hasn’t came back, usually, he’s with girls. And usually, he doesn’t comes back home until morning. So when he comes back and it’s not morning, it’s a bad sign.

He sends _so, what do you think?_ and Tony answers _its funny, but im worried about you_.

If Bucky were sober, he would have looked to this, taken the context of their conversation in consideration and _thought_ about it. Because his mind often searches for hidden meanings. Had he been sober, he’d think Tony was saying that it was funny that they knew each other for so little - the context of the conversation was that, after all; Bucky just somehow found a way to fit his story in it - but he was feeling worried.

But since he was drunk, he thought Tony thought it was funny but that he was also worried about Bucky.

_Im fine._

_**Not saying you're not  
but some cups of water and some food might make you feel better tomorrow.** _

_How do you know that?_

Tony takes a while to answer.

_**Been there, done that.** _

Bucky thinks about what to reply, but then, Stevie comes back and interrupts him.

“I think you should go to sleep.”

He agrees.

And he forgets to say good night to Tony like he usually does. Forgets to change his clothes. Forgets which bed is his bed.

He wishes that girl had told him she wasn’t single.

//

When he wakes up, his head is aching. He holds it and sits on the bed, groaning.

Once he gets used to the light that’s entering his and Stevie’s room, he notices a few things:

1\. he’s alone.

2\. he’s not in his bed.

3\. something really embarrassing must have happened yesterday.

“Stevie?” he calls, trying to think. Stevie doesn’t replies. He stands up and avoids a trash can that was near the bed and wonders just where he could be.

Maybe he woke up in the future, and now Stevie is, somehow, a villain. Being the fucking _chihuahua_ he is, Bucky is sure he would manage that.

He covers his eyes, only slightly. While the light doesn’t hurts as much as it did minutes ago, it still hurts.

He opens the door and can only hear Stevie yelling his name. Which, by the way, _hurts_. He hates it when he's so sensitive that everything hurts.

“Sorry,” he says. Bucky stops covering his eyes to glare in his direction.

He sits at the kitchen table, still holding his head. He barely remembers last night but he regrets it anyway.

Stevie puts a cup full of water, with Advil by its side, in front of him.

Bucky blinks. Stevie never did that before. In fact, as far as Bucky knows, he has no idea what to do whenever - it’s rare, but it happens - Bucky comes back home drunk.

“Tony explained to me. Told me what I should do,” he explains, when Bucky stares in his direction him for too long. “I didn’t knew you two were talking to each other.”

“Yeah,” he murmurs. “We are.”

Tony. Bucky remembers talking to him last night. He thinks that, for the first time, he is really embarrassed.

“And I,” he continues before he can stop himself. “don’t know why you didn’t introduced us before, or why you let me embarrass myself by talking to him last night.”

He thought Stevie would smile and say something smart, like he normally does, but Stevie is quiet and looks to Bucky as if he were seeing him in a new light. Or trying to.

“Tony sent you something,” he murmurs, giving Bucky his phone. Decided that caring for the chihuahua's weirdness won’t do him any good, Bucky takes it and focus on it.

As soon as he unblocks his phone, a notification pops up.

_Tony sent you a message:_

_**I hope you’re feeling better now.** _

He opens the notification. The message is longer than he expected it to be.

 _ **hey**_ , is how it starts. _ **i think you’re sleeping right now, but i’ll send this anyway.**_

_**getting drunk is not new to me, neither is having a friend who takes care of me. So he gave me some tips about what to do.** _

_**Drink water and eat. Dont drink coffee nor take a cold shower cause it doesnt works** _

_**and im telling you this because I feel like, at the very least, drunk you or steve (you live with him, right?) have no actual idea of what to do** _

_**and I got a bit worried, too** _

_**you probably have no idea of this, but I get worried about you a lot**_

_**anyway. Good night and** _

_**I hope you’re feeling better now.** _

Now, that’s something he really is not used to.

Although his family worries about him - Stevie included - they don’t… do things like that.

They're not straightforward about it unless he gives them the feeling they have to.

Bucky knows that what he felt reading this was not embarrassment. He felt shy. 

 _thank you for worrying about me_ , he sends. When it seems incomplete, he continues, _you didnt had to, though._

 _ **I had**_ , Tony replies. _**Im sure you can take care of yourself, but I just couldnt help it.**_

 _Its just that_ , he begins to write, but he erases it. _You shouldnt. You couldve done something you wanted to instead of worrying about me._

He realizes it sounds bad as soon as he begins to type it, but he sends it anyway.

_sorry if this sounds rude, but I just cant understand why u're worried about someone like me_

His heart begins to beat faster. He almost gets worried about it.

Tony replies.

_**You are an amazing person, bucky. And Id rather spend an entire night worrying about you than doing something I wanted to.** _

_**You’re worthy of every moment of worry I had.** _

His heart is warm.

//

Bucky does not read Pride and Prejudice on that night. He knows it’s there, but he can’t bring himself to acknowledge it.

It’s not so boring anymore, but this time, he wants to avoid it because it makes him feel good.

And Bucky, who thought he would never even come close to liking Jane Austen, has no idea of what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why, but while I was writing this, the image of Steve as a chihuahua just wouldn't get out of my head.
> 
> That aside:
> 
> 1\. Is anyone getting the Jane Austen thing?
> 
> 2\. If you've finished this chapter, thank you for reading until here!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky decides to ask for someone's help. Someone's help, in this case, is Sam's help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I think this is going to be a short-fic. While I don't know how many more chapters it'll have, I don't think this needs much more.
> 
> Maybe one day I'll rewrite this.
> 
> Anyway, thank you, whoever's reading this (from the start or just started). I hope this doesn't disappoints you. Too much, at least.

Bucky wouldn’t say he’s an introvert, but when it comes to if he’s lonely, it gets more complex.

There’s a lot of people who like him, sure, and he likes a lot of people, too. There is his family (his siblings, his parents, his relatives), his friends (Wilson, The Howling Commandos, _Tony_ ), his mixture of both (Stevie; a little brother and a best friend at the same time) and he’s aware that all of those people like him. In different degrees, and they approach it in different ways, but he knows there’s something genuinely positive between them.

But he’s _genuinely positive_ that doesn’t changes his loneliness. Bucky’s not lonely because of lack of human contact — friendly, unfriendly and suggestive — but because in the end of the day he has no one to share his problems with.

It could be said that he has did that with Stevie a lot of times, which is true. But it’s not the same, because when Bucky says that he has no one to share his problems with, he’s talking about someone else.

A father or mother figure, maybe. Someone who makes him feel safe and who he is used to looking up to as if they’re going to protect him forever.

Someone who he doesn’t feels like he’s responsible for.

It’s probably something bad, the fact he doesn’t wants to feel responsible for people even though the people he’s responsible for are people he loves, but he can’t help it. So he chooses to ignore it as much as he can.

Which is the same approach he has in relation to Tony. To The Tony Problem. Ignore it, even if you are sending him messages again. _The Tony Problem_. In all his existence, Bucky never thought he would go through something like this.

If he had to guess, he’d say he’s scared.

He never even thought about the possibility he was anything other than heterosexual. And even though he knows bisexuality is a very real thing, Bucky still can’t feel anything other than confusion, because he doesn’t remembers liking men, in that sense, ever. So it must be a Tony-only problem.

And then he gets more confused, because the way everyone talks about attraction makes him doubt himself because everyone talks in a way that implies this isn’t possible. That you’re either _this_ or _that_ or _at least this_. You can’t have a Tony-only problem.

Stevie shakes him. Bucky looks to him and notices he looks worried.

“What?” he asks and takes a deep breath.

“You’re having a panic attack,” Stevie answers. “I guess.”

Good. One more thing to worry about.

//

And that _panic attack_ , which Bucky seriously doesn’t considers a panic attack, is another reason for him to not let himself think about that stuff. Better to go with the flow.

//

Which could happen, except it didn’t.

Because Bucky’s flow brought him back to where he started: confusion.

He went to work, he slept, he talked to Stevie sometimes and he talked to Tony too. Not as personal as before. But it was still an interesting thing to do.

Bucky doesn’t wants to let himself be that down about this, but if he were letting himself be _that_ negative about this, at this point, he’d thought he were just someone broken.

The loneliness weighs more, specifically because no one has a Tony-only problem. They all have a Tony and not-Tony perfect world.

//

Bucky thinks about it and how to solve his problems. No one knew he did that.

Then, he thought about Wilson. He thought about the fact Wilson was _out and proud_ as he called it.

He thought about Wilson.

//

Wilson won, after all.

He couldn’t talk to Stevie for obvious reasons. Neither to Tony, because Tony would figure out as soon as Bucky began typing, he thinks. And his family, or The Howling Commandos, are a complete no.

He’s too embarrassed to talk to them about this.

Frankly, the idea of talking to Wilson didn’t appeared from nowhere as if it were magic. It comes some time after the last time he talked to Tony and Bucky considers it for days, unsure if he should or shouldn’t, but decides that it’s, at the very least, worthy a try.

He also figures out he has no choice other than keeping silence and trying to do this by himself. He supposed he could talk to Morita or Falsworth, who were dating each other when he last heard of them, but they haven’t talked to each other for a long time, and _only_ follow each other in social media. So Wilson, even though he’s kind of a new friend to him — yes, they’ve known each other for two years, but most of Bucky’s friendships are from high school — is the best choice he has.

Bucky leans in the door, watching him give a speech about healthy coping mechanisms to the six people inside. He’s good at that — convincing people about things they would normally avoid. And Bucky’s not sure if a healthy coping mechanism is something most would avoid but it’s kind of something he would.

He keeps in the same position, waiting for Wilson’s speech to end, even when his legs begin to hurt. When it ends, he also has to wait for everyone, aside from Wilson, to leave the room.

But the face he makes when he sees Bucky is priceless.

“Dude?” he calls. “Should I worry about you being here or celebrate it?”

Bucky smiles.

“Don’t worry. You’re not gonna be my therapist or something,” he gestures. “like that. I actually came to ask for help.”

Wilson nods.

“Well,” he sighs. “you, here, to ask for help. There’s no way it’s not something important, then.”

To be honest, Bucky likes how well Wilson knows him.

Since he’s not Stevie, Bucky feels more free to be himself. Comparing to who Bucky wished he had as someone to guide him, Wilson is not a father or mother figure, not even an older brother figure. Wilson also wouldn’t guide him. But he’s the only person Bucky knows who could talk about this.

And, also, since he’s not Stevie, Bucky doesn’t have to worry about him the same way.

“It’s not that important,” he shrugs, because it’s not, no matter what anyone says. “But it’s… it’s something personal. And I trust you enough to talk about this with you. I guess.”

Wilson blinks. Given the context of their friendship, Bucky knows Wilson— okay, just for now, they’re going to stop with the Wilson and Barnes thing. Bucky knows Sam wouldn’t expect this, at least not said out-loud by him. Because Sam knows more about him than anyone else.

Anyone?

Maybe not Natasha.

“Okay,” he replies. “Spit it out.”

Bucky checks if anyone is near the room. Once satisfied with the emptiness this place has, he closes the door.

“Okay. Okay,” he takes a deep breath. “You told me you weren’t straight, right?”

Sam nods.

“Yeah,” he answers. “I’m pan.”

“Okay. Good,” he murmurs. “So my memory was right, thanks God—“ Sam seems to be worried. Bucky doesn’t wants to imagine what he must look like. “I need to ask you something.”

“Do it,” Sam encourages.

Bucky takes a deep breath and lets it out:

“How did you knew?”

Sam makes a soft sound.

“Well,” he points to one of the chairs. “I think you better sit down to hear this.”

Bucky does. Sam sits on the chair that is in front of him.

“Before I begin, do you want to tell me why do you want to know?”

Bucky rolls his eyes.

“Don’t treat me like a sensitive kid,” he murmurs. “I just need answers, if you’re willing to give them. Is that enough of a reason?”

Sam smiles.

“Yeah. Yeah, it is. Just wanted to, you know, give you the other side of the coin,” he sighs. “You told me you were totally okay with me being pan when I told you, so I just...”

And although that is a thing Bucky has been thinking for a while, he can’t bear to hear it.

“Don’t,” he interrupts Sam. “don’t finish that. Please.”

Sam nods, and stops smiling.

“Okay,” he replies. “Ok. I won’t. About what you asked me… I didn’t actually knew, not at first. I barely thought I could be gay, much less bi or pan — I didn’t knew those sexualities existed, by the way. Back then, what I felt for dudes was no more than a strong admiration or a strong friendship for me.”

“And what made you...” he gestures again. “You know.”

“Realize it?” Sam asks, and Bucky nods. “Hum... Interesting question. I think it was when I kissed my classmate while I was drunk.”

Bucky smiles.

“What a cliche.”

“Indeed,” Sam smiles back. “I was drunk enough to consider doing it but not drunk enough to forget. After that, when I woke up, I struggled to accept I liked it for some time. Then I decided to search about it. Of course, that’s years being summarized, but it’s just how I began to... Consider it,” he says. “And I knew that girls also made me feel like that. I did consider myself bi for a while, but...”

“But?”

“I guess it can be kinda confusing for you,” he continues. “but I met someone. Not a woman or, you know, a man.”

That’s not new, Bucky thinks. Maybe unusual. But it’s not totally new.

“Well. They were very special for me. So when we broke up I slowly realized a lot. I knew I was pan when I… knew it. Don’t really have a way to explain,” he shrugged. “There’s a lot of interpretations out there and a lot of fights about it, but I just feel like it’s the right label for me, so.”

“Why do people fight about it?” he frowns.

Sam chuckles.

“People are people, they’ll fight about anything, was what you once told me. I think that’s the answer.”

“I don’t remember saying that.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t. You were also vomiting after drinking all-night,” they both laugh.

Bucky hates, but also loves, the rare opportunities he has to do that.

“Anyway, that’s the whole story, very shortened. Of course, I wouldn’t mind telling you more.”

He shakes his head.

“That’s enough for me,” he replies. “Do you want to drink something?”

Sam shrugs.

“No therapy sessions for you,” he says. “but I can drink some coffee with you, yes.”

//

Later, Tony sends him _**I thought about**_ _ **our conversation**_ _ **and I think I made you uncomfortable. Sorry.**_ and Bucky replies _You didn’t. I’m just… confused right now._

_**I see.** _

The lack of notifications in Bucky’s phone makes him sad.

That might be the moment when he decides he, after all, has a Tony-only problem.

//

Sam does look surprised the second time Bucky is at the door of the therapy room, but to his credit, it’s more because Bucky usually is a secretive person who avoids anything related to… well, things he’d rather keep a secret.

“So,” he tries. “what are we talking about today?”

Bucky bites his bottom lip. Thinks if he really wants to do this.

“You already told me how you knew you were pan,” Sam nods. “but how did you knew you liked someone? Someone that wasn’t a girl, I mean?”

Sam smiles.

“Love’s a mystery,” he answers. “You’ll know you’re in love in the right moment. You fell in love before, didn’t you?”

He nods, and sits on the same chair he sat before.

“So, it has a specific moment when you realize it’s love.”

It does, yeah.

He thinks.

“It’s basically the same. Though it might take you longer to realize it.”

“Longer?”

“Yeah.”

//

Bucky tries to be brave.

_Tony?_

_**Yes?** _

And gives up.

_How are you?_

_**Stressed, but I think I’m fine** _

_Have you tried taking a hot shower?_

Tony doesn’t replies, at first, and then, he sends a blushing emoji to Bucky.

_**I probably should, right?** _

_It always solves my stress when I do that_

_**talking to you has the same effect on me.** _

Jesus.

He blushes.

He has had so many trouble talking to Tony — which, yes, comes from his shyness and some of his thoughts — lately, but now he’s doing that and getting shy to the point of blushing, it just seems to make him feel… lighter.

 _Are you flirting with me?_ , he types, but erases it.

 _Same  
_ _you’re a good friend to talk to, Tony._

_**Glad we’re on the same page.** _

They talk, and only stop when Tony goes to the bathroom, to actually take a shower. If only Stevie heard his suggestions like that.

Talking about him, Stevie comes home at 8pm, which is an unusual hour for him to be out.

“Sorry,” he says. “I was going to… talk to Sharon, see her and, hum, I lost track of time.”

Bucky smiles.

~~He lost track of time with Tony too~~

He knows how that feels.

//

Sam and him begin to meet at coffee shops.

He talks about exceptions, and Sam shrugs.

“I think everyone has a different way to deal with exceptions,” he says. “But they do happen.”

He asks Sam about how work is making him feel.

“Stressed, but it’s worthy it.”

They end up talking about Stevie, and then soccer.

When Bucky comes home, he feels sad, even though he laughed with Sam and his messages with Tony are back to being the friendly mess they were.

And when he goes to sleep, he looks at Pride and Prejudice, with a mixture of doubt and longing.

Maybe it’s an exception, and an exception only, that he found between Jane Austen’s books.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Have No Idea Of What I'm Doing


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stevie hides something from Bucky and Bucky hides something from Stevie.
> 
> Bucky still hates his boss, and then, he commits a mistake.
> 
> Kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, I think, is kind of the part one of a chapter. It's short. But it felt better as its own chapter, so it's both.
> 
> There are ~bad~ words in this.
> 
> And this was revised, but there might be mistakes that I didn't notice.

Bucky has been comparing Tony to his exes lately.

Okay. That sounds bad.

He has been comparing Tony to his exes lately, but his comparison is not about bodies and personalities. Instead, Bucky tries to remember how he knew, how he was sure he liked a woman.

It could help.

It _should_ help.

But he can’t remember how he knew it and can’t remember what was the feeling he had.

So it could help, he thinks, and it should, yeah, but it doesn’t. And he hates that.

Sam has sent him a link for a text he wrote. _Maybe you know someone who should read this_ , he continued. Bucky remembered the text from when Sam first posted it and shared it on Twitter.

That was one year ago.

He reread it, though, and he had a very different point of view.

And he missed the point of view he had before, too. Reading a line that said that _self-discovery cannot be rushed_ makes him feel anxious and uncomfortable, because now, he wishes it could.

He can’t wait. He doesn’t wants to wait. He has never liked how he felt when he seemed to have no answer to something. And that feeling gets worse when it comes to _this_ , which is so personal and confusing for him.

Bucky had spent his entire life thinking that he was heterosexual, and never even considered he might have an exception.

(Maybe not his _entire_ life, but as soon as he began to joke about sex — he was ten, almost eleven, and it, honestly, wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for his classmates joking about it too — he was sure he was heterosexual.

As sure as a ten year old can be.)

It makes the situation worse, he thinks. If he had an exception before, maybe he would be able to recognize another one. But no. No man he knew ever made him feel the way Tony makes him feel.

But if he had to describe what that way is, he wouldn’t know how to.

//

“We could go to a morning jog,” Sam suggests.

Right now, they are in another coffee shop, for what Sam has told him is the last time. They’re trying to decide where they should meet, because Sam is worried about Bucky’s possible addiction to anything sweet in coffee shops.

He hasn’t told Bucky that’s the reason, of course, but waiting for someone to tell you what they’re thinking and feeling doesn’t always works.

“You want me to run with you and Stevie?” he asks. Sam smiles and shakes his head. “Then what do you mean by…” Bucky tries to find the right word, but fails. “...that?”

“Steve only runs with me on Thursday,” Sam answers.

He frowns. That makes no sense.

“But I hear him. I mean, everyday I wake up sooner than I should because he left something fall on his way out.”

(When Bucky looked to Stevie, back then when he was invited to that _double date_ ~~_that is guilty of the mess in his life right now_~~ , and saw the delicate way he treated Sharon, that is what he thought about. How sometimes Stevie seemed to break the entire apartment in his way out to his morning jog.

Which was funny, because Bucky had always thought Stevie was acting as if he were sneaking out, and always, Stevie made so much noise.)

“Everyday?” Bucky nods. “About that. He’s with Sharon.”

His mind stops.

Sharon is a nice girl. He likes her. But he can’t see why Stevie would hide that from him.

Stevie has, after all, been happier than Bucky has ever seen him be after Mrs. Rogers’ death, and Bucky wouldn't want to do anything but support his happiness.

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” he totally does. “You should ask him.”

Bucky would not, but he would — he did — ask Sam how he knows.

The answer is obvious: _he told me_.

Stevie probably has a good reason for it, but Bucky is still unable to understand why would he feel like he needed to hide something from Bucky.

(He ignores the fact he is, even if for a good reason, hiding something from Stevie too.)

//

After thinking about it for a few days, Bucky agrees to the morning jog. It’s certainly not as comfortable as the therapy room or a coffee shop, sure, but he feels safer like that.

On the same day he agrees, when he enters Twitter, he finds Tony talking about a movie as he is watching it. Bucky is not so interested on the movie — it seems to be sad, and he just _can’t_ like sad movies — but he smiles, and likes each one of Tony’s posts.

//

“Can I ask you something?”

It’s 6am and Bucky’s only reason to not feel like he’s dying is the fact that he has already went through that one hour ago, when he began to get dressed.

Both him and Sam are stretching before the jog. Bucky is aware of the chance they have to turn this into a marathon, in case they don’t talk.

Sam likes sports and is competitive; Bucky likes soccer, and not sports, but he’s competitive too. So a marathon might be coming their way.

“You already did,” he jokes. He looks to Sam and can see him smile. It’s the smile he usually gives people when he’s worried about them.

The one that makes Bucky feel like a little kid, makes him feel...

Patronized.

That is the word he has been thinking about! He thought he would never remember that little fucker.

“Another one, then.”

He nods.

It’s better to rip the band-aid off fast.

“It might make you uncomfortable, but I’ve been thinking about this. You think you might like a man, right?”

“Yes,” it might? It already is. “Why?"

“It’s not me, is it?”

It takes him a while to understand what Sam just said.

“No,” he answers. “Don’t worry about it.”

Sam takes a deep breath.

“Okay, okay,” he sounds relieved. Bucky is offended, okay. He's handsome and he's likable. “It’s just that I felt like you were trying to drop hints around me,” he explains his logic. “And I had been wondering how to let you down gently.”

“You’d treat me like a gentleman?” Bucky jokes again. But inside, he thinks it’s a really good thing he talked to Sam and not to Tony.

Because if Sam felt like he were dropping hints around him when he wasn’t, who knows what Tony, the…

Well…

...The one he's actually into could think?

“Don’t make me regret it,” Bucky makes a hurt sound. “So, hum, do you want to share who it is?”

“Share with the class?” he replies, and rolls his eyes. “I’m going to tell you one thing and only one thing.”

Sam nods.

“His name is Tony.”

“His name is a nickname?”

Bucky finishes stretching, and looks to him, offended in Tony's behalf.

“It’s Anthony. But if you ever meet him, don’t call him that. He likes Tony better.”

When they begin to jog, he uses it as an opportunity to try to change the topic to Sam’s life. He is the one who asked for his help, and he is the one who confessed he has been having some issues with a guy and with himself, but once they actually have to talk about Tony, Bucky just…

Stops.

And if he is flushed by the time they end their jog, it’s the exercise’s fault.

//

“You’re dealing better with your issues,” Sam said.

(Bucky replied he had no issues and he had no idea of what Sam was talking about.)

Stevie said Bucky does look happier, again.

“I’m relieved, by the way,” he said. “I was getting worried.”

(“You worry too much, and about everything,” Bucky replied. “So you gotta be more specific.”

Stevie shook his head.

“That is an exaggeration. But what I mean is that you had been looking so happy lately, and you began to panic and look sad so suddenly...”

Stevie would certainly go mad if he knew how much that was true.)

But as much as Bucky has been thinking about this, it’s not the only thing he has to deal with.

And yes, this is about Pierce.

When it comes to people, he tries to avoid using the word ‘hate’ when he means ‘dislike’, but he’s sure he hates Pierce with all his being.

After another day of work, he follows the advice he gave Tony and takes a hot shower. He puts clean clothes on and this is the only moment of the entire day he picks his phone up.

There, the notification of a message, sent hours ago, when he was still at work:

_**Bucky?** _

“Fuck,” he says, out-loud.

“Language,” Stevie corrects him. “What’s it?”

“Nothing.”

_sorry I didnt replied you I was at work  
did something happen to you? Please tell me nothing happened please please_

_**okay okay okay. Calm down  
i’m okay, fully okay, emotionally and physically okay. You dont have to worry about me.** _

False alarm, then.

He takes a deep breath and even though he wants to believe he’s this superhuman who will never deal with something like that, Bucky wonders if he should see a therapist.

Probably not. Every feeling of tension and anxiety he has can be explained.

For now.

_I cant help it.i like you_

He looks to what he just sent and gets closer to Stevie’s bed. Once he's close enough, he kicks his feet.

“Ow!” Stevie complains. “What—“

Bucky tries to give him his best scary glare. _**This is an emergency.**_

Maybe Stevie feels pity or maybe he decides it’s better to not complain. Whatever it is, he’s quiet again, and Bucky sits in his bed, right where his feet were some seconds ago.

_you’re a good friend, I mean_

_**I understood what you tried to say  
and aw <3 you’re a good friend too!** _

A heart emoji almost worsens the emergency he’s going through.

Almost.

Bucky still has pride, somewhere in his soul, so it doesn’t.

Okay. Okay. This, this is not so bad.

 _Back to the start…_  
_sorry I didn't replied what you sent earlier_  
_you can tell me what it is right now_

_**it’s okay.  
I just noticed you liked my posts about good will hunting and I was wondering about something** _

_Do you want me to watch something with you?_

Maybe Bucky was more ingenuous than dumb when he clicked the ‘send’ button.

 **Actually  
** **I was going to ask if you wanted me to recommend a movie to you**  
 **but this is a much better idea and I like it so much more.**

Or maybe he’s wrong and he was totally dumb.

“Fuck,” he repeats. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

He points to Stevie, who is already opening his mouth.

“Don’t you dare tell me to not curse, Rogers.”

_**we can schedule it if you want to  
maybe next saturday?** _

Bucky bites his bottom lip.

He analyzes the situation. He does. A Saturday would be a good choice. He would go out. And it’s pretty late.

 _Do you want to do it today?_ , he asks instead. _Cause if you do, I’m up to it._

 **I kind of do  
** **would it be a problem for you if I**  
 **you know**  
 **went to your place?**

He should let Tony down gently.

Say they better watch it together, but in different places.

Technology in all its beauty.

But because of various reasons — worrying if Tony wanted to get out of wherever he was because of fear or anxiety or something like that and impulsiveness being the main ones — he sends _no, it wouldn’t._

He wonders if what he just agreed to do is a date.

(The confusion is still here, and so is every other bad feeling he has dealt with lately, but, honestly?

Deep down, he hopes it is.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky watches Mamma Mia, learns something about Tony and gets jealous of Stevie. Everything in only one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm alive!
> 
> So, this is the second part of the last chapter. It might have some mistakes. There are some bad words in this.
> 
> I don't know what to talk about in the notes, unfortunately.
> 
> (slightly edited/corrected in 03/28/19)

Delicately, Bucky puts his phone down in the bed, as if the situation would become worse in case he dropped it like he usually does. It probably wouldn’t, but what if it did? Bucky wanted to be safe.

“I need…” _to cancel it_ , maybe. _To hide in a hole and never come out of it again_ , totally. _Help_ , yeah. “I need help.”

Bucky heard his voice, so there’s no way Stevie didn’t heard it too. Stevie ignores him anyway.

The audacity.

“Help, Steven.”

He uses The Name because, for some unholy reason, Stevie hates his name. Bucky would allow himself to hope that _maybe, just maybe, it would be enough to call his attention_ if it weren’t for the fact he saw his reaction. No more than a quick frown.

“Steven.”

He uses it once more.

But silent is his only reply. It's not enough to convince Stevie he’s in the middle of an emergence.

Bucky didn’t wanted to do this. It would hurt him more than it would hurt Stevie.

“Steven,” one. Two. Three. No reaction. He closes his eyes. “Grant.”

Stevie takes a deep, deep breath.

Bucky opens his eyes and smiles.

“Fuck you,” Stevie replies, shaking his head. “What do you want?”

Help. Because he realized what, exactly, happened. Bucky realized Tony would be here soon.

Tony would be close to him, close enough to notice Bucky staring to his face and not to whatever movie he found interesting.

And he would be here, in the messy apartment - even if Stevie acted like it was organized - he, an adult, shared with his best friend, another adult.

“Help,” and while Bucky’s not sure what Tony would think, his mind is happy to share possible scenarios with him. Of course, they are all negative. “I need help,” he repeats what he has said some minutes ago. Or maybe just one. He wasn’t counting.

Stevie types what probably is a _sorry sharon, gotta go, bucky is being an asshole. Xoxo talk to u later ;)_ and puts his phone in the dresser near his bed. Bucky, meanwhile, wonders why his imagination thought he needed _that_ in his thoughts.

“What happened?”

Bucky almost answers he has a date.

Almost.

But it wouldn’t be fully accurate. And he would be being unfair with Tony.

After all, he was not sure, himself, if he wanted it to be a date, and he can’t expect Tony to feel the same way he’s feeling. Tony either sees it as a friendly meeting or as an opportunity to get out of where he is.

He hopes it’s not the second possibility. Bucky feels bad just by thinking about it.

“Tony.”

There is a mutual silence after his answer.

“I mean. I committed a mistake.”

“How bad was it?”

Stevie should go straight to the point like that more.

“Very.”

Stevie makes an uncomfortable face. As if he felt guilty, or embarrassed.

“I can hear you,” he says. “But I can’t help you with it. You should talk to Sharon.”

He’s not sure Stevie understood what he said. Bucky certainly didn’t understood what he just heard.

“Sharon?” he asks, frowning. Stevie nods.

“Yeah. Don’t panic, because he’ll forgive you,” what. “Unless it had to do with his mom. Then he’ll need some time to think about it.”

_What._

His mom?

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

His panic - which probably was just anxiety or embarrassment - is forgotten for now. He is more focused on understanding what the _fuck_ Stevie’s talking about.

This time, Stevie is the one who frowns.

“Hum,” he scratches his head. “You said something bad to him, didn’t you?”

Bucky shakes his head. “I invited him to a d-- to come here,” he hopes, hopes, really hopes, from the bottom of his soul, Stevie didn’t noticed he almost said date. “I invited him to come here and watch a movie with me. Netflix and chill, you know.”

Stevie, embarrassed as he is looking like right now, has the audacity to chuckle.

“I know,” he replies. “But you shouldn’t call it _that_. I don’t think it means what you think it means.”

After too many years knowing Stevie, Bucky has learned sometimes it’s better to not discuss with him.

Stevie stops chuckling, finally.

“Why would you need help with that, though? You’ve had lots of dates before. You know how it works.”

“It’s _not_ a date,” Bucky, maybe a little louder and more aggressive than he intended to sound like, replies.

“Sure,” Stevie smiles. “I’m just saying that you don’t have to panic. Just deal with it like you would deal with one of your dates.”

Because drinking, dancing, flirting, kissing _and_ fucking is a good idea for a friendly meeting.

Bucky, despite the fact that he thought that as a way to point out how what Stevie said was absurd, blushes with his own thought.

Stevie notices it. It’s probably written all over his face.

“I'm not saying you should get drunk and… fuck,” he says. “I mean that you should, hum. Maybe… treat Tony as if he were a date you met before and you’re seeing again.”

“Like who?” Bucky asks. It’s not like that never happens, but he has no time or patience to go out, meet new people and go out with them more than once.

There is a reason his friendship group is limited to people he met as a teen, someone who he knew since he was a child and someone he met because Stevie insisted it would be cool to meet Natasha’s friends.

Back to his question, though: Stevie doesn’t answers it. If anything, it’s completely ignored.

“Just treat him with love. Like you’re used to.”

“You’re assuming I treat him with love?” Bucky shakes his head. There is really no hope for Stevie. “Stop talking like it’s a date.”

Though it wouldn’t be so bad if it were.

//

Bucky was not p-- was not feeling so bad anymore.

He was, unfortunately, still anxious.

“Do you think I should take a shower?”

“You already did.”

“But I’m sweating.”

“Tony won’t mind.”

He would rather not know why Stevie sounds so sure of it.

“I should make something,” he said. “Maybe I can buy some snacks and come back before he arrives.”

“No,” Stevie shakes his head and frowns. Like his entire self is saying no. “Tony doesn’t eats _anything_ when he’s watching a movie, no matter how long it is.”

“What if he wants to?” he asks.

Stevie sighs.

“I know him since -- and don’t complain about me not introducing you to him -- I was nineteen. In all those years, I only remember seeing him eat four times, and trust me, I had a lot of chances to see him eat.”

Bucky stops pacing around the room and looks to _Steven_ , who, for one tiny moment, stops being Stevie for him.

(Maybe, maybe, just _maybe_ , he felt jealous. Let’s say that’s true. He felt jealous and he was, just a little bit, willing to get angry, but while Bucky wouldn’t say he has never felt jealous or _a very tiny bit, just happened one time_ possessive, he would never let Stevie be Steven for too long.

Steven, with all due respect to Mrs. Rogers and Mr. Rogers, is a pretty ugly name.)

“Totally friendly,” Stevie defends himself. “Have I already told you we didn’t liked each other back then? Because we didn’t.”

Okay, then.

Bucky comes back to pacing.

“Maybe I should change my clothes.”

“Come on,” Stevie complains. "Don’t you think you’re worrying too much?”

Look who’s talking. Stevie’s middle name is worrying and he thinks he has the right to say that to Bucky, who is very fine, just a bit anxious, thank you very much.

He stops pacing, suddenly.

He knows what to do.

The apartment is a mess. They spent the last twenty minutes talking about the same things, and Bucky didn’t cleaned the apartment.

He couldn’t clean it with Stevie inside it. And it was too late, probably--

“Bucky!” Stevie yells.

Slowly, Bucky turns to look in his direction again.

“Calm down,” he continues. “I know Tony. He’s not going to judge you for anything. Your sweat included.”

“It would make him uncomfortable anyway,” Bucky murmurs, crossing his arms.

“You won’t calm down, no matter what I say, will you?”

He shakes his head.

“Then, I have an idea.”

“I should cancel it,” Bucky thinks, out-loud, not so accidentally. “You had an idea, that must be a bad sign.”

//

Stevie’s idea wasn’t so bad.

It was quite simple, actually.

Organize the living room and the bathroom.

Make it look like that’s the whole house.

Wash the dishes, but don’t wash the pretty ones.

The last part came when Bucky was about to do it. He looked to Stevie, who was sitting in the couch, with his phone in his hands again.

“Sharon said she won’t explain,” he says. “But if Tony wants to eat something, only then, you should wash the pretty ones.”

He frowned.

“That makes no sense.”

As he was thinking, though, it had been a good idea.

Bucky was drying his hand with the wet cloth - that also makes no sense, but Mom did it, Mrs. Rogers did it, Stevie did it and he does it too - when he heard a knock.

He looked to Stevie, and gestured in direction of their room. Stevie nodded.

When he came close to Bucky, he said, “I’ll be in the bedroom if you need anything.”

He entered the bedroom.

Bucky takes a deep breath, hoping the living room looks nice enough, and walks in the door's direction.

He hopes this won’t be a disaster.

He opens the door.

It’s Tony. Exactly who he thought it was.

Tony looks more relaxed than Bucky has ever seen him be. He looks like he’s wearing his pajamas, and Bucky feels better, because he’s actually wearing his.

The difference is that Tony is wearing a sweatshirt that is bigger than him, and it’s very cute.

“Hey,” Tony smiles to him. “I know you agreed to do this, but I’m sorry it’s so late.”

Bucky shakes his head and smiles back.

“It’s fine,” he replies. _Very fine, indeed_. “I’m the one who should be sorry. You had to go out late to come here, and it’s a mess.”

Because, as much as he tried to, he’s pretty sure it’s impossible to get rid of the mess in their living room, bathroom and kitchen in only some minutes. They need the entire day.

And that’s only if they manage to do it in one day. Most of the time they need the whole week - between Stevie’s asthma and Bucky’s work, it’s just, unfortunate as it is, impossible to clean the entire place in one day.

Tony enters, looking around. He shrugs.

“It’s more than enough for me. It feels kind of familiar.”

Bucky blushes, nodding.

“I think I know what you mean.”

Before they can be in mutual silence, he clears his throat.

“You can sit,” he points to the couch. “Do you want anything to eat? Or drink?”

“Maybe some coffee, later,” Tony answers. He follows his suggestion, sitting on the couch. “I don’t eat much.”

Stevie was right.

Fuck.

The laptop - it’s Stevie’s; he brought it to the living room while Bucky was busy organizing. He only hopes Stevie remembered to close the porn he was watching, if he was watching porn - is on top of the coffee table, closed. Bucky sits on the couch, near Tony, and opens it.

It’s on Netflix’s home page. Thanks God.

“Which movie do you want to watch?”

“Me?” he nods. “I hadn’t decided yet. To be honest, I thought you were going to choose.”

“Oh,” Bucky lets the soft sound out.

“Oh,” Tony repeats.

They look to each other, and they’re both quiet and serious. Then, Bucky bursts out laughing, and Tony does the same.

//

Once they finish laughing, the search for the right thing to watch begins.

Bucky thinks Tony likes sad movies. He points to one titled Loving Vincent. The cover looks like a painting. It’s black-and-white, and the person on it looks like a young boy.

“That one made me cry,” he says. “But I don’t regret watching it.”

“I don’t want you to cry,” Bucky replies. “I refuse to watch any movie that might make you cry.”

Tony giggles, and hugs Bucky’s free arm.

He freezes before Bucky does.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Bucky manages to say. He focuses on the movies, but Tony, very likely, sees him blush anyway. “You can hug me if you want to.”

Tony doesn’t giggles again, but he keeps his arms around Bucky’s left one.

“Maybe a Disney movie?” Bucky suggests.

“Can we do a marathon?”

Bucky probably should refuse. _It’s gonna take too long. He has to work tomorrow._

_But it’s Disney._

“Maybe,” he nods. “Let’s just search a bit more. If we don’t find anything interesting, it’s going to be a marathon.”

He is totally aware he’s going to fall asleep twenty minutes after the second movie of the marathon begins, if they decide to do it.

But they do find something more interesting.

Mamma Mia.

Bucky is afraid he’s going to dislike it just by seeing it’s a rom-com, but Tony seems very interested on it.

“Do you want to watch it?” he asks.

Tony blushes.

“Kind of. I mean, I’ve already watched it before,” he answers. “You can choose something else. But I think I do. It’s different from other rom-coms to me.”

He’s not so sure he’ll agree, but he’s not brave - or cruel - enough to say no to Tony’s excited face. Not now he knows what it looks like.

Well, not _knows_. He has seen it before. But it’s confirmed as a powerful weapon in his list of weapons now.

“I don’t mind watching it, then. Just wonder what you like about it.”

He clicks on play.

“It’s different,” he repeats. “But if I have to be honest, it reminds me of my mom.”

Bucky has a feeling this has a deeper meaning than it seems, but he avoids asking Tony about it. It seems to be a very personal thing.

The movie begins.

//

At some point, both him and Tony relax.

 _Relax_ could mean just relax. It could mean that Bucky’s anxiety has disappeared - it has. Bucky has noticed that when he’s together with Tony, no matter how anxious he was in the day, he’s able to calm down. Must be because he gets distracted - but when was his life easy like that?

Never, he’d say. So _relax_ , in this case, means that slowly, Bucky sits in a way that looks more like he’s lying, and Tony puts his head on his shoulder.

Bucky keeps quiet, and doesn’t moves for various reasons.

First, it’s warm. The comfortable type of warm.

Second, of course, it’s comfortable.

Third, it makes him feel safe, not that he would admit that.

(Fourth, he wants to keep in this position, and if he moves, Tony will inevitably notice they’re too close, and Bucky will lose the feeling of being safe, comfortable and warm ~~and able to touch him without feeling like he’s doing something wrong~~.)

Mamma Mia is, indeed, a different movie. It’s surely better than what Bucky thought it was going to be. Far better, even.

It might be a rom-com, and a silly rom-com, but…

It’s better than what he’s used to.

Better to leave it like this.

When the movie ends, he notices Tony is crying.

His natural reaction is, obviously, worry.

“Are you okay?”

Tony nods.

Bucky wonders - hopes it’s no more than his worry and his imagination deciding they’d be great partners - if Tony came here because of something, or someone, that had hurt him.

Unsure of his movements, he tries to caress Tony’s hair.

When he sees no sign of discomfort from him, he continues to do it.

“Sorry,” Tony says. “Didn’t wanted to bother you.”

“You’re not bothering me,” he replies.

Tony smiles, despite the fact he’s crying, and hides his face near Bucky’s neck.

Bucky blushes.

“What happened?”

“I thought about my mom,” Tony answers. “And I miss her.”

This is pretty personal, but Bucky supposes - hopes he’s right - it might be the better way to make him feel better.

_Talk about it._

“Anything happened to her?”

Tony shakes his head.

“She’s fine. We just don’t talk anymore.”

That's still sad.

Bucky would cry too.

“It’s because of my dad,” Tony murmurs. “We fought -- sorry. You don’t want to hear this.”

“I do. If you want to tell me, I want to hear.”

Tony chuckles and moves until he’s sitting in the right position.

“You’re the friend everyone comes to when they need help?”

“When it’s a real emergency,” he smiles. “But I feel like you could spend the entire day talking to me about rom-coms and I’d be happy with that.”

Tony blushes.

“Didn’t you hated rom-coms?”

“I did,” he agrees. “I do. But I open exceptions.”

Tony smiles. It disappears as quick as it appeared, but it’s totally worthy it.

“My dad and I fought, some years ago,” he said. “He told me to cut contact with anyone I knew before. I’m not comfortable with telling the whole story, sorry.”

“You don’t have to."

Tony nods.

“So, hum. I ended up living with Sharon for some time. I think she thought my situation was worse than it actually was, because she's still protective with me today," he sighs. "Then, well, I moved to another place. Some other places, actually. At first I didn’t called mom because she’d try to convince me to come back. Then it was because I thought calling her would be calling dad. Now it’s too late.”

Is it?

“I hope this is not offensive to you, but your dad sounds like an asshole.”

Tony laughs.

Bucky is happy to help.

“Sometimes he’s not one,” Tony says, while trying to control his laugh. “But, yes, he is.”

This might sound horribly cliche, but Bucky feels like Tony shouldn’t, ever, be sad. He deserves to not feel sadness ever again.

When Tony finishes laughing, he asks if he wants to watch anything different.

“Are you sure? It’s pretty late.”

“I’ll take you back home.”

He agrees, even if he seems unsure. He also seems surprised Bucky is willing to take him back home.

To be honest, Bucky is surprised too.

//

Unfortunately, he doesn’t takes Tony back home.

Because they fall asleep right after they start watching the next movie, which Bucky has no idea of the name.

//

When Bucky wakes up, he’s lying on the couch.

There is a pillow below his head and a blanket covering him.

He opens his eyes, noticing it’s already morning. Looking around, he sees his phone on top of the coffee table.

He picks it up and unblocks it. There is a message from Tony.

_**Sorry, I had to leave before you woke up. Needed to be back home before 8:40.** _

The message was sent at 8am. Right now, it’s 9am.

**I left some coffee ready for you.  
I don’t know if you like coffee though.  
And i’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable since we fell asleep together.**

Since he has just woken up, his filter is a bit weaker than its usual.

Which is why he sends _you have no idea of how fine this is to me_. With some mistakes, sure, but Bucky would rather ignore that.

Tony sends a heart emoji and a happy, blushing one.

He hates when Tony sends the heart emoji. It makes him feel so shy.

_**Yesterday made me realize something tho** _

_what was it?_

_**I feel safe with you  
my class is about to start, so I can’t talk more right now, but I hope we’ll talk later.** _

When Bucky replies _i’m sure we will_ , it’s on automatic, because he’s too shocked to actually think.

(And, of course, he just woke up.)

//

The coffee tastes the same it does when he’s the one who makes it.

He still like this one better.

//

It’s too late to go to work.

After analyzing the situation and realizing the reason he is tired when he’s usually _dying, but ready to work_ at this hour is that he watched Mamma Mia last night, he decides to take a nap, since it’s, after all, too late to go to work.

If Pierce asks, he'll say he had a family emergency.

He tries to read Pride and Prejudice, but he fails. Instead, he falls asleep holding it.

It’s embarrassing, but he feels safer than he has ever felt.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is stressed because of his job. He needs the money, though, so he tolerates it.
> 
> Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M ALIVE YOU ALL!!! Not necessarily well but I'm alive :D
> 
> I watched Captain Marvel yesterday and I won't give any spoilers, but I'll say that personally, For Me, the best part of the movie was Fury and Goose, and Goose by themselves. It was... good. (I'm serious about the best part of the movie.)
> 
> Anyway. This chapter actually needs a trigger warning. Trigger Warning for: transphobia, and I think that homophobia would also need a trigger. I'm not sure. (If you find any other thing that needs a trigger warning, let me know!)
> 
> This is unrevised, almost unedited so, any mistakes, either simple ones or 'wow, how did you NOT realize this was wrong' ones, will be edited/corrected later. I hope you, the reader, will be able to enjoy this anyway ♥
> 
> (slightly edited/corrected in 03/28/19)

“What if...” Bucky and Sam were discussing, trying to decide where they should meet next time. “...we go to a bar?”

Sam sighed.

“You just want me to pay your drinks,” he said. “And if it goes like it usually does, you’re going to find a girl but I’ll be the one who’ll have to deal with your drunk ass until morning. So no bars.”

Bucky pouted.

It’s not like what Sam said was a lie, but it hurt to hear.

“Where do you feel comfortable?” he asked. “There has to be at least one place.”

“There is. A bar,” he receives a serious look as a reply. “Don't look at me like that. I’m just kidding.”

“Well, I’m not,” he expected Sam to tell him to shut up, but Bucky should have already gotten used to how different their way of dealing with each other was lately. He’s thankful, he really is, but he kind of misses Wilson.

Sam is great, sure, but he treats Bucky as if Bucky were a fragile person or thing, and that has always bothered him so much.

“How are you feeling?”

No matter how many times he tries to convince Sam he’s not fragile, not meant to handle with care, Sam always has the same careful attitude with him. It’s frustrating. Bucky sighs.

“I’m okay,” he answers. Sam raises one of his eyebrows. “I am! I just… gotta figure this out. That’s all. And you’re helping me.”

Sam shakes his head.

“I should decide a price for our therapy sessions,” he murmurs.

“I don’t gain that much, you know.”

“And how I do. I’m just saying… it might be good for me, because _dude_...”

“What do you mean with that?” Bucky asked. Sam refused to explain.

“When the right time comes,” he answered instead. “You shall find out.”

It sounds so ominous. Bucky never expected to hear something like that in real life.

//

When he finished telling Pierce, which he did only because he was forced to, why he hadn't went to work (a family emergency, he told him) and telling him he was sorry (he wasn’t, fuck that guy, but Bucky reminds himself he needs the money), Pierce…

Well, he acted the way he usually did. He never yelled in your face. He never yelled in Bucky's, at least.

“I don’t mind,” he said. “But unfortunately, I can’t allow this to happen.”

“Am I going to need to search for a new job?” Bucky asked. He was hoping Pierce answered yes, but he was hoping he answered no too. Pierce laughed.

“No, no. It’s rare to find a man with values like yours nowadays, I wouldn’t fire you,” Bucky would wonder what he meant, but he agrees with anything Pierce says. So Pierce thinks he agrees with…

Bucky would rather not remember the type of things Pierce says.

“But you’ll need to stay after work. One or two hours, nothing that would make you get home too late.”

 _More work means more stress_ , his mind warned. _Not to mention you won’t gain more to do it._

He knew that, but he could deal with it.

Bucky thought, maybe exaggerating a bit, that he would be less stressed if he were a hitman.

Not so much if Pierce were his boss, though.

//

He comes home late. Stevie's worried. When is he not?

“Are you okay?” he asks. Bucky opens his mouth to answer, but Stevie continues. “Did anything happen to you? A fight? You weren’t answering my calls, and it’s late--“

Bucky puts a hand on his shoulder. Stevie stops talking.

“I’ll need to work more for a while. I’m okay. And I forgot to charge my phone, so...”

Stevie nodded.

“I was worried,” he said.

“Sorry,” he smiled. Stevie rolled his eyes.

“But why do you have to work more?”

Bucky walked in the direction of the kitchen. He heard Stevie closing the door, probably telling him to not let it open, and following him after.

There wasn’t much to eat.

“We need to buy food,” Stevie murmured.

“It’s not so bad yet,” Bucky replied.

He ate cup noodles for dinner.

(Both of them forget about the question.)

//

Bucky finds out he can handle stress better than he can handle Pierce.

“You know, Barnes, I’m not religious,” he was saying. “Personally, I believe more in science. You know, biology is biology...”

Bucky almost stops what he’s doing, but he remembers that Pierce would find it strange if he did and he might discover that Bucky, well, doesn’t actually agrees with him.

“I just don’t know how someone can deny biology,” he kept saying. “One thing is to be gay - I mean, to be like gays used to be back then - but those who think they can change what science has already established… That’s too much.”

Bucky thinks about Tony. He doesn’t means to, but he remembers Tony posting (or sharing) something that said that _science is always evolving, many things have no answer and a lot of things that people think are ‘already decided’ are actually things that we have not truly understood yet_.

But aside from the fact he’d lose his job, he doesn’t knows enough about science to reply.

_Does Pierce knows enough about science to say what he says, though?_

_Probably not._

“You know what I’m saying, right?”

He nods.

He knows that Pierce is talking about transgender people. Honestly, he feels sick just by hearing him talk.

“I really wonder why you’re single,” Pierce changes the topic and, although it’s about his life, Bucky almost thanks every deity there is out-loud, because he couldn’t hear him talk about transgender people on that way for one more second. “I could introduce a girl to you.”

He can already imagine what a nightmare that would be. He clears his throat.

“I met someone, actually,” he says, even if what he wanted to do was punch Pierce or fire himself right here, right now. It’s hard to not do that, to not scream, not reply, but Bucky’s money comes from him, and working, even though it’s really stressing, makes him feel responsible, useful.

Hearing this and not saying anything makes it worse, but at least Pierce doesn’t doubts his heterosexuality.

He’d like to keep it that way.

“You should introduce me to her, then,” Pierce smiles. It’s not a good smile. “She must be a sweet little thing.”

He hates this. He hates the fact he’s actually talking about Tony, and letting Pierce even know of his existence, even though Tony is not a girl. He hates Pierce and his opinions.

But he can’t say anything

“She is,” he replies, instead of telling him no or yes. “She is.”

//

Stevie, once again, said something as soon as he entered their apartment.

Except it wasn’t about Bucky this time.

“Sharon asked me if I wanted to meet her parents,” he said. “What should I do?”

Bucky only had one answer for that

“Good night. How was your day? Mine was good, thank you for asking."

Stevie blinks. He scratches his head. Has Bucky noticed this before? Has he thought about how Stevie always does that when he’s embarrassed? If not, he’s doing it now. If yes, he’s doing it again.

“I’m sorry, but I’m in the middle of an emergency, okay?”

He shakes his head.

“Accept it.”

He locked their door.

Stevie bit his lip. Bucky didn’t paid enough attention to know which one; he was more focused in not making the objects around him too wet.

“What if they hate me?” Stevie continued. Then, as if he had seen Bucky for the first time, he frowned. “Why are you wet?”

“I took a bath on the way home,” he answered. Of course, as he should, he smiled when Stevie seemed angry. “It’s raining and I don’t have an umbrella.”

If he didn’t knew Stevie as well as he did, he would wonder if Stevie hadn’t realized it was raining - it wasn’t strong, but it wasn’t weak - but since he knew him so well, he knew he hadn’t. He always gets too involved in anything that makes him feel too nervous or too excited.

“And they won’t hate you.”

“But what if they do?” Stevie continues. It’s like Bucky didn’t said anything.

“Then who cares for what they think?” he shrugs. It’s the obvious choice for him. “What matters is if Sharon likes you, which she surely does -- by the way, is your guys’ rhythm like that to already be on the meet-the-parents level or have you hidden her from me for longer than I thought?”

Stevie lowers his head, like a child who did something wrong.

“The latter,” he whispered. Yeah, that’s what he thought. “But you… You have no right to talk.”

“I sure don't. I’ll take a shower.”

“I have more to say,” Stevie complains.

Bucky shakes his head.

He wishes he had met Tony before.

//

After showering, he felt better. Still stressed, but not so much. That seemed to be his normal lately.

“What do we have to eat?” he asked.

“Cup noodles,” Stevie answered. “We’re really running out of food.”

“Yeah, I know,” cup noodles is more than enough for him, though. “It’s your turn to go, right?”

“It’s always my turn. That’s not fair.”

“Well, I’m the only one who has a job,” Bucky pointed out. “But I don’t complain about that, do I?”

Stevie smiles. Bucky frowns.

“What?”

“I’m going to call your mom. You’re turning into her.”

//

Sometimes it’s better to accept what Stevie says so he can end the discussion.

By that, he means he agreed to, for once, be the one who buys groceries for the month. Better than hearing Stevie talk about how Bucky needs to go out more, and all that bullshit.

He’s lucky Bucky likes him.

He decides to go on Saturday, because he knows he wouldn’t be able to do it and work in the same day without being late again.

Meanwhile, Stevie had no progress in his decision about meeting Sharon’s parents.

It’s an important step for a romantic little guy like him, so Bucky understands it.

He has already picked some cup noodles when he hears a familiar laugh.

Tony.

It’s Tony. Tony’s laugh.

He stops right where he is, looking around, and finds Tony, who’s only some steps away from him. Judging by the food in his cart, he’s healthy. Really, really healthy.

(Bucky feels bad about his own choices for a second there.)

To his surprise - a real, unexpected, _what the fuck?_ type of surprise - Natasha walks in his direction, the corners of her mouth lifted.

“Tony?” he blurts out. He can’t tell if it was accidental or if he did it on purpose. Both Natasha and Tony stop, and while Tony’s smile widens, Natasha’s dies.

“Bucky!” Tony waves.

“You know him?” Natasha asks, frowning.

Yeah, he can relate. He remembers, vaguely, Sharon saying something about Tony and Natasha being friends. And, look, Bucky won’t stop her from being friends with anyone, including his own friends. But their relationship went sour, like, really sour. So...

It’s not like they feel happy whenever they see each other.

“Yes, I do,” Tony looks to Natasha. “I told you, remember?”

“I don’t think I’d forget if you had told me,” Natasha says. She smiles, then, too sweet, looking in Bucky’s direction. “Hey, Barnes. Didn’t knew my roommate knew you.”

“Roommate?”

“Yes,” Tony answers for her. “We share a room.”

“Apartment,” Natasha corrects him.

“That thing. Anyway, I think we should save this conversation for later. The three of us are busy and I feel like I’m the only one in the mood for this.”

Bucky nods. Natasha nods too.

Well, this went better than he’d thought seeing Natasha, in any place, would be like.

“Bye, Bucky,” Tony says.

“Bye,” he smiles.

They walk past him.

“I didn’t meant to turn it into a fight,” he hears Natasha saying. “Me and Barnes just have a… complicated relationship.”

Bucky holds a laugh. She’s not lying, but he feels like that’s a euphemism.

Roommate, though. He hadn’t expected that. He’s not quick to assume he’s jealous in this case - Natasha’s involvement makes him aware that their break up, and the state their relationship was by the time it happened impact in his judgment - and it’s, obviously, not a betrayal, since Stevie is also Natasha’s friend, just like Sharon and Sam. It was just… unexpected.

He wonders what type of roommate Tony is.

//

“Why didn’t you said to me Tony was Natasha’s roommate?” Bucky asks, after each and every bag is in their living room’s floor.

Stevie looks up from his phone.

He looks to him in a way that makes Bucky think, almost completely sure, he’s saying _because it’s none of your business_ without actually using words.

And he hates to admit it, but he’s right.

“I know you and Natasha had a... bad break up,” another euphemism. “But I didn’t thought _that_ detail was important.”

It’s not. Not really.

He sighs and shakes his head. He wishes he could relax.

“Can you help me with the groceries, _Steven_?” he asks.

(Maybe a bit angry.

Just a little bit.)

Stevie pouts.

“Come on."

“Okay. Jesus, Bucky.”

 _That_ detail isn’t important. It really isn’t. But Natasha and his relationship with her make him stressed, and he has felt stressed enough lately.

If he could, he’d take another day off. Or find a new job.

//

He didn’t meant to read Pride and Prejudice on that night, but he read one or two pages by accident.

Natasha, he remembers, likes Pride and Prejudice too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have the minimum idea of what to put here, in the end notes. Maybe I'll put something later. Maybe not.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky hits his limit, feels nostalgic, receives an important call and celebrates his birthday.
> 
> In the span of days. Well, he's a busy adult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is unrevised, unedited, a lot of things. There's a chance I'll rewrite it later. But I think it's better to post this right now because it has been a while without anything.
> 
> I don't know if it's because of my anxiety or something but my creativity died a bit. I hope I'll still be able to write this and post often because. Anyway.
> 
> I'm sorry if this is too bad. I hope anyone who reads it is able to enjoy anyway. Any mistakes will be corrected later, as soon as I feel better.
> 
> I love you guys <3
> 
> (slightly edited/corrected in 03/28/19)

Steven Grant Rogers and silence in the same phrase is not suspicious by itself.

Steven Grant Rogers, silence, and Bucky - or anyone else he has known for that long - is a different story.

He pauses _What To Expect When You’re Expecting_ (he blames Tony), and stares at his face.

“What?”

Stevie moves. Bucky wanted to laugh because of how quick he looked to the floor, but he held his laugh.

After living together after all those years, he knew that once you laugh, Stevie doesn’t takes you as serious as he would.

“Do you, uh. Are you…”

He does wait, a little, but today, he has no patience for Stevie.

“Spit it out.”

“Are you dating-- are you dating someone, Bucky?”

And he could complain about the total lack of privacy he has in this house. Not like he would, but he could, and he simply thought it was nice to remember that detail.

“No, I’m not,” he answers. “I suppose you already knew that.”

Stevie should know that, at least.

“Sure,” he clears his throat. “It’s just that, hum, I won’t judge you if you are, okay?”

“You wouldn’t judge _what_?”

Stevie takes a deep breath.

“I just want to let you know I won’t judge you if you’re,” he shrugs. “You know.”

“Dating?”

“No. I mean. Yes. If you’re dating Tony… I just want you to know I won’t judge.”

In a way, Bucky knew that, sooner or later, this would happen. But he hated every second of this conversation despite that.

He takes a deep breath.

“Okay,” he replies, and unpauses _What To Expect When You’re Expecting_.

He’s almost sure Stevie expected him to react in a different way and, honestly, he’s glad to disappoint.

//

(Bucky gives the movie a six out of a ten.

He has no actual idea of how that system works.

 _it was cool and i’d rewatch it_ , he tells Tony, _and i felt like it was realistic._

_**why the six, then?** _

_it’s not mamma mia  
and i have a reputation to keep_)

//

March 10 is coming.

Bucky has already received some messages from relatives who will be busy, but wish him the best.

He can’t actually remember who they are so he does what everyone else does and thanks them, knowing it’s unlikely they will talk in any date but holidays and his birthday.

He’s a bit nostalgic. Homesick, to some degree. So when his mom follows her yearly tradition of calling him days before his birthday, he’s really grateful.

“How have you been, little bird?”

 _Little bird_.

He has a relationship of love and hate with that nickname.

Hate because it’s kind of embarrassing. Love because it’s his mom and she has the right to embarrass him.

“Fine,” he answers.

Mom hums.

“You don’t sound fine,” she says.

It’s amazing, Bucky thinks, how she can hear the tiredness in your voice, know when it’s rough because you’ve been crying and recognize when your laugh is unnatural because you’re drunk and you’re going to get grounded when you come back home.

Yeah. He kind of knows how the last case feels from a personal point of view.

It’s not cool.

“Maybe I’m a bit stressed,” he sighs. “I can handle it, mom.”

“You know I worry about you.”

“I do,” of course he does.

“I miss you,” she sighs, like he did. “Rebecca misses you too. She has a boyfriend.”

“Since _when_?” he’s smiling, but tries to make his tone sound slightly angry, for the sake of the _angry overprotective brother_ joke."

“Last month,” she continues. “You’re single, right?”

Which is totally ignored by his mom. Wouldn’t be if he were Thomas. Sure, Thomas is almost Rebecca’s age and not an adult like him, but still.

“Not really,” he says. “I would rather not talk about it.”

“Your privacy is your privacy, sweetheart. As long as you’re happy I’m not going to invade it.”

He chuckles.

“Thanks, mom.”

“You’re welcome. How’s Steven?”

“He has a girlfriend now. Made me go on a double date with them.”

The change of topic feels natural for him, and he supposes it’s the same for her.

If Bucky really likes Tony, and if Bucky’s, well, not straight, he’s not sure he’ll… come out.

He doesn’t wants to be treated in a different way, especially by her.

When the call ends, he feels good, still a bit nostalgic. The week, surely, will be good.

//

Until it won’t.

//

He finally hit his limit.

No, he didn’t fired himself. Neither did he punch Pierce. Instead, he accumulated stress and a normal day became too much.

He didn’t fired himself nor punched Pierce, but right now, he has a headache that’s worse than the hangover headaches he usually has. As soon as he comes back, he goes straight to bed.

“What happened?” Stevie asked.

 _Regret_ , Bucky thinks about answering. _Regret happened and regret is happening. I regret accumulating so much stress._

“Nothing,” he murmured instead.

“You sure?” he nods, weakly. “Okay. You, hum, need anything?”

“ _Nothing_. Just silence.”

Stevie keeps quiet for the rest of the night.

//

The headache is still there, but far better, when he wakes up.

He feels nostalgic, too. Bucky remembered talking to mom and began to think.

He thought about Romanova and his relationship with her, back then when they didn’t fought, when a break up didn’t even seem like a possibility. About how they met, when Stevie introduced them to each other.

(Later, Stevie told him he did it because she found him interesting, and Bucky’s curiosity and attraction for her was _kind of_ palpable.)

Romanova hadn’t been his first girlfriend nor his first love. As far as Bucky knew, he hadn’t been her first neither. The thing was that they had an intense dynamic that wasn’t easy, assuming it was possible, to forget.

Romanova used to be the shoulder he’d complain, not cry, never cry, on. She heard him and she was direct. And she felt safe enough to not wear masks when she was with him.

But he didn’t managed to work and live when he was with her.

Because of that detail, especifically, their relationship began to make both of them feel bad. Not sad, but angry. He knew it was unlikely that they’d be able to have the same dynamic they once had.

They broke up after too much yelling. They never told anyone the whole story, though. Which is why Stevie thinks their break up was bad and not disastrous.

He thought about the Howling Commandos. About soccer. He missed both.

But he never had an opportunity, or time, to play and he assumed that while they could call each other _friend_ , their friendship is not as strong as it used to be, since they barely talked.

And never met.

He thought about his childhood. He might not miss having to sleep in the same bed two of his siblings did, but he missed going to McDonald’s as his birthday gift.

Bucky decides to talk to Tony, wanting to share his nostalgia with someone. Maybe then, it’ll pass.

 _Is that your answer for everything?_ , the voice in his head asks. Or maybe it’s his own thoughts. Bucky ignores it anyway.

He types _do you ever miss your childhood_ and sends. In his defense, it’s 4am, he went to sleep four hours ago and he has a headache. So he’s not the greatest decision-maker to ever exist right now.

_**Not really.** _

_**I mean** _

_**I guess I miss some bits of it but as a whole** _

_**it’s kind of a bad part of my life** _

_Bad?_

_**Yeah, bad. Like actually bad.  
Are you missing yours?** _

_Kind of. How did you knew?_

_**Lucky guess** _   
_**and it’s also 4am and our last conversation was about you trying to trick me into watching a horror movie, which has nothing to do with your childhood** _   
_**so I supposed you’re thinking about this** _

Oh. Yeah. He was suggesting movies for Tony to watch. He hadn’t as many suggestions Tony had, not even close, but he sent them after Tony said five or less from him counted more than fifty from anyone else.

And, yes, he got soft, as people said. Not like anyone would ever know.

_**What are you missing, specifically?** _

He thinks, carefully, about his question. One minute. Can’t do more than that, since he wants to answer fast.

_I guess it’s the innocence_

_like… being aware of bad things_

_but not having to deal with it_

_being less lonely_

_**you’re lonely?** _

_Yeah_  
_I know I shouldn’t be, since I have stevie and my family and you_  
_but I am_

Tony takes a while to reply.

_**I am lonely too.** _

//

Advil and water makes a great couple, Bucky decides, minutes later.

//

Tony has calmed him down enough, purely by talking to him, so Bucky fell asleep quickly.

He did warn him he was going to sleep before doing so, though, which he counts as a win.

He wakes up at 10am. An unfortunate side effect of staying awake for longer than he should. But the headache has disappeared.

Finally.

“Happy birthday, Bucky,” Stevie murmurs when he goes out of the room.

“Shut up,” Bucky replies. He smiles when Stevie pouts.

“Sharon’s coming,” Stevie continues, changing topic. “for, you know, your birthday.”

“I swear that if you make me a surprise party I will kick you out of this apartment.”

“It’s just Sharon,” he smiles. It’s highly suspicious.

Bucky nods. Okay. He’ll act like he believes him.

//

He should have made a bet, he thinks.

While it’s not necessarily a party, Tony comes with her.

He waves. Bucky notices he’s holding a bag.

It's a McDonald’s one, and Bucky’s mind, for a second, concentrates only on that.

He walks in his direction, not hearing anything else.

“Is that what I think it is?”

“Yes,” Tony smiles. Bucky takes the bag from him, opening it.

It’s a Big Mac.

With soda.

And _fries_.

He almost cries.

“You’re an angel, Tony,” he blurts out.

“Sharon has something for you too,” Tony replies. Bucky looks up and sees he’s smiling, slightly blushing.

He shouldn’t have looked up. He looks to Sharon as fast as he can. Maybe Tony won’t notice he also blushed if he does that.

“I must warn you that my gift is not nearly as good as Tony’s,” she says. She’s smiling, but she looks shy. See, this is why Bucky thought, when he met her, that she was going to be as shy as Stevie. She gives the bag she’s holding to him.

There’s something - looks like a sweater - inside.

“I knitted it for you,” she murmurs.

“It’s beautiful,” he replies. “I love it.”

//

A part of him still wishes he were alone, but Bucky’s actually grateful Stevie invited Tony and Sharon. Their presence is not overwhelming. In fact, it makes him happy.

Calm.

Excited.

They eat. As it should be, while Stevie and Sharon eat a healthy sandwich made by Sharon herself, Bucky shares his Big Mac with Tony and Tony only.

Tony chews, chews, chews and chews for an eternity. He swallows.

Bucky shouldn’t be staring. He’s aware of that.

“That was… interesting,” Tony murmurs. “I like the fries better, though.”

“Anyone with _common sense_ does.”

If he said it loud enough, so Stevie was able to hear, it’s a complete coincidence. Truly an accident.

He eats the rest of the burger and gives the french fries to Tony.

Slowly, Tony eats them all.

//

The night comes sooner than it should.

Sharon says she’s sorry for not noticing it earlier.

“You can stay,” Bucky replies without thinking twice. “You two can stay. I mean, if you want to.”

She smiles.

“A sleepover sounds good, but there’s no space.”

“You can sleep with Stevie,” he shrugs. “Tony can sleep in my bed. I can sleep in the couch.”

After a few minutes, Sharon agrees.

It’s going to be nice.

Plus, sleeping with Sharon and Stevie in the same room…

He’s sure nothing would happen, but he doesn’t wants to risk seeing it.

//

Bucky tries to sleep but fails. It takes him thirty minutes to realize it’s because he hasn’t read Pride and Prejudice yet.

Right when he’s about to stand up and go inside his room, a bit afraid of what he’s going to see, Tony comes out of it.

He’s holding Pride and Prejudice in one hand and a blanket in another.

“...You’re awake,” he murmurs, looking to him.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Kind of.”

They look to each other.

“Are you going to read that?” he asks. Tony nods.

“I was,” he answers. “Why?”

“Oh. Hum. Nothing.”

He breathes.

“It’s just that I, hum, read it before I go to sleep.”

Tony clears his throat, walks in his direction and gives him the book.

“I see. I was just curious.”

Bucky looks from the book to Tony.

“It’s ok,” he smiles. “You can read it with me if you want to.”

Tony agrees.

That is how he ends up falling asleep with Tony caressing his hair while reading the book, out-loud, for him.

It’s not Jane Austen, he supposes, that catches his interest. It’s Pride and Prejudice, specifically.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Important questions - not the one you're thinking! - are asked, important people are met and important decisions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning! How are you all? I hope you're well.
> 
> I'm happy, and thankful, for the fact you guys like this. Comments are appreciated by me, I won't say they aren't, but I'm happy and thankful for having you guys as readers, even if you have only left - anonymous or not - kudos.
> 
> The ones who have not left kudos or comments are a little bit more complex to me, because I'm not sure if it's someone who's reading this or just someone who tried once and never again, but I'm thankful and happy for having your guys as readers too.
> 
> I love you all! <3
> 
> I think this is the biggest chapter I've written for this. For now. I'm also wondering if this should be tagged as self-discovery. But I don't know. Does anyone thinks it should?
> 
> That aside, the warning for this chapter is: Bucky, drunk.
> 
> I think this is not that much of a spoiler? Well, if there are more things that need a warning, feel free to tell me!

So. 

Bucky realizes he should tell Tony "Thank you," even if only in thought.

 _Thank you for what?_ , you may ask. While there’s many things he could tell Tony “Thank you,” for, he was talking about a very specific event that happened only once.

He realizes he should tell Tony “Thank you,” because he hadn’t noticed, or even thought about, how embarrassed he would have felt if he had been awake before Tony had left.

Before Tony had left on the day after they watched Mamma Mia together.

And, man, it was embarrassing.

Maybe the fact he was holding Tony as if he were a teddy bear (not that he ever had one, but that’s not important right now) made it worse. Or maybe that fact _was_ worse than the fact they were in the same bed.

Which is a couch.

Which is smaller than his bed.

Bucky tried to sit and tried to be as delicate as he could while doing so.

It was useless, he assumed, since Tony woke up anyway.

“Sorry.”

“For what?” and Tony smiled. It was just a tiny smile, but it was stupid. It made Bucky feel shy, on top of being embarrassed, so it was stupid.

“I was holding you as if you were a teddy bear, for a start.”

“You looked like you felt good,” Tony shrugged.

 _So what_ , Bucky thinks. He has experience with sleeping together with people, aside from his siblings. Women have laid on top of him - which is _not_ romantic at all, Hollywood, thank you very much - and he has been held as if he were a teddy bear too, and that made him feel constricted. Like he couldn’t breath. _So what, enduring pain for me shouldn’t be allowed. At least not for someone like you._

“It’s not a comfortable position.”

Tony’s smile widened.

“I’m used to it,” he said. “I’ve had a cat before.”

Bucky blinked, not sure if he had just been compared to a cat or not.

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable."

“You didn’t. You made me feel the opposite, actually.”

Silence.

Bucky had no idea of why, but after staring each other’s face for seconds, in complete silence, both of them broke and began to laugh.

 _Maybe I’m searching for reasons to make this a bad thing_ , he thinks, _when it’s not._ But that would ruin the atmosphere, so he ignores that thought.

Slowly, they stopped laughing. Still smiling, Tony asked:

“What do you eat for breakfast?”

He makes a face. He remembers the food Tony bought, on the day he (unfortunately) saw Romanova again. The healthy food. It made Bucky think of elaborated, healthy meals. Even though Tony didn’t ate much in front of him - maybe 'much' is not the word, but he ate in a slow rhythm - nor Stevie.

“You’ll be disappointed in me if I tell you.”

Tony raises his left eyebrow, obviously doubting him.

“I’m not sure that’s possible.”

“It is. I don’t eat a full breakfast.”

“Yeah, not possible. My breakfast is coffee. There’s no way you can disappoint me.”

Coffee?

Now that he thinks of it, Tony reminds him of those jokes about studying in unhealthy ways - too much study, too little rest and too little food. It would make sense.

“Cereal. Cereal and milk.”

“That's not disappointing at all. Congrats,” he smiled, shyly. “I’ll make you a bowl of cereal.”

“Why?”

“Your birthday was yesterday,” Tony said. “I feel like we didn’t celebrated enough.”

The Big Mac was more than enough celebration for him.

But he does see an opportunity here.

“I accept it. But only under one condition.”

Tony looked to him, curious.

“You’ll make yourself a bowl too.”

Tony nodded.

“That’s fair.”

Yesterday, they ended up sleeping together. Today, that was how Bucky ended up watching half of an episode of _Queer Eye_ while he ate cereal together with Tony. Tony ate it faster than he usually did. Bucky was surprised.

Happiness does not lasts forever, though, so Stevie comes out of his room with Sharon.

Is he mean if he forgot they even were there?

“I told Natasha we were here,” Sharon announced. “we better get going.”

Tony nodded and stood up, walking until he was past Sharon, and left his bowl in the kitchen sink. Stevie kept quiet. Bucky couldn't tell if he was watching everything or if he had zoned out.

“Bye, Bucky,” Tony smiled again, coming back to the living room. Bucky stood up. “See you later.”

"See you later," he replied. Tony hugged him.

The movement had been natural, and Bucky hugged him back without thinking twice (maybe stronger than he meant to), but it felt really intimate. Bucky felt warm, safe, like he wanted to put his head on Tony's shoulder - he's aware Tony is not that tall - and stay there. Tony smelled nice, too. So nice.

He had to hold himself to not do something stupid, like say _I love you_. Or cry. What? He just woke up and Tony gives a real nice hug.

“See you later,” he repeated. He had a feeling his voice was a bit hoarse, and that he had whispered. Bizarre. He let Tony out of his embrace.

Sharon, who was within his field of view, looked to him and then to Tony. She seemed curious. Tony shook his head, as if he were answering 'no' to something she asked. She tilted her head, slightly but repeatedly, in Bucky's direction. Tony took a deep breath and crossed his arms. She raised both of her brows. Like she were impressed, or had heard surprising news. Then, she smiled.

Bucky had, from the bottom of his heart, no fucking idea of what he had just witnessed.

“You seem like a good man,” she told him. “I hope you’re aware of that.”

He is not. But he nods. It seems like the right thing to do.

“Thanks?”

She chuckles.

“Bye, Bucky,” she looks to Stevie. “Bye, love.”

“Bye, honey," Stevie replied. "I love you.”

“I love you too."

She waved to both of them - Tony, behind her, did the same - and she closed the door.

The atmosphere felt cold, now, not as warm as it was seconds ago.

He should go get ready.

Stevie follows him to their room. He has not opened his mouth once, aside from when he told Sharon 'bye'. While Bucky would rather ignore any possible source of stress, specially since he's feeling pretty good today, he can't fully ignore the fact that this is not a good sign.

When the chihuahua stops barking, you never know what will happen next.

Bucky has lived with Stevie for years now, so undressing in front of him and things like that are natural for him, but he feels uneasy having someone that quiet stare him while he undresses. So he gives up.

“What do you want?"

“Nothing. It's none of my business.”

Again?

He can tell Stevie does try to not talk about this, but he can also tell he does not understand the situation Bucky is in, at all.

He feels like they're in a loop. Stevie asks him about it, despite the fact he's trying to not do that; Bucky answers something (something which would be considered rude, if they weren't close like they are); Stevie accepts; Stevie sees or hears something that reminds him of it and they're back to the start.

"Just say it, dude."

"Okay. You, well, slept with Tony, right?"

Well.

Yeah, he did.

He can’t say he didn’t.

“Yes. We just slept, by the way.”

“I-- I’m not saying you two did more than that,” his best friend has, at least, the decency of sounding embarrassed. Meanwhile, Bucky is now putting his least favorite pants on. “But… you wouldn’t do this if he were Nat.”

“Uh, yeah, I wouldn't. Nat and I broke up, in case you missed the last two years.”

Stevie huffs.

“That's-- that's not what I mean, okay? I'm saying that back then, when you hadn’t confessed to her yet, at this point you'd be flirting with her. Or you wouldn’t have slept with her. But you slept with Tony.”

Almost finished.

“It was an accident, you know.”

“It’s just--" aaand he's being ignored. Great. But Stevie is in his Question Everything mode, so he understands it. "I know, and I mean this, I know this is none of my business," oh. Oh. They're going there. "But you... you look so happy when you're with Tony, and it makes me feel frustrated to-- it seems like you don't accept he's making your happy. Why do you struggle so much with it? Usually, you’d have accepted you liked someone if you had gotten to this point with them.”

He does not answer.

It's not Stevie's fault, not his fault that he's asking Bucky this. Bucky might feel angry, but he thinks Stevie is right. And he's worried.

Bucky supposes he should be the one asking himself that.

 _It's because Tony's not Natasha_ , he'd answer, if he could.  _Tony's not Nat. Tony's not one of my dates. Tony's not a girl._

 _It's not only that_ , he'd continue.  _Tony makes me happy. But I can't tell if I'm attracted to him._

Because Tony's pretty, but everyone - even Sam - talks about very defined labels. Bucky does not fit in  _straight_ anymore, but he's far from fitting in  _gay_. He could be bi, or pan, like Sam is, but neither feel like him. None of those seem to fit. And if he can't fit in gay, bi or pan, he can't feel attracted to Tony.

 _Tony does not label himself_ , he remembers. But he just... feels like he's in a different level than Tony. A level that is not worthy of a choice.

That... that was pretty hateful, wasn't it? Bucky does not think he can fit in stereotypes about self-hating, but sometimes he has those thoughts.

It has lifted a weight from his shoulders, though. Allowing himself to think that makes him feel slightly lighter. As if he were venting.

Venting to no one but himself, but well, that happens.

He finishes putting each piece of clothing. The shoes look pretty old. Interesting, he never realized that.

“I’d love to chat about my life with you, Stevie, but I better go now, or I will be late.”

(He does admit that while he didn't ran, he walked slightly faster than he usually would. But, hey, Stevie stopped complaining as soon as he got out of their room, so…)

//

While the conversation he had somewhat twenty minutes ago has made him uncomfortable, it did, like he thought, made him feel better too.

Maybe it was not the conversation per se, but his own thoughts. The point is that it didn't ruined his mood like it usually would.

Putting what he thought and what Stevie said aside, he feels better than he does most mornings. He knows - at least, he assumes - it’s because of Tony. It makes him want to smile, or maybe call Tony, but he can’t do either, not right now.

Not even Pierce can ruin his mood.

Maybe that is not as good as he thought it was, given the fact that Pierce notices it.

"You look like you had a good night," he says.

He shouldn't have been surprised that Pierce assumed he had sex, but he was.

If he - and that's a _bad_ thought, but - if he were Pierce, he would have assumed he had a date, and not sex.

Sex can be wonderful, but a good date does wonders to his mood.

"Yeah," he mumbled. "Yeah, I had."

Should he tell Tony about Pierce? He wants to avoid making Tony feel bad, just like he wants to avoid letting Tony know about his... his thoughts and feelings about him, but he feels he owes Tony that.

"Well, tell your girlfriend I'm grateful. Whatever she is doing is making you better. You've did better at your job since you told me about her."

_What?_

_No, really, what?_

Bucky nods, slowly.

Pierce leaves him alone, so he can do his job.

He is embarrassed, and he feels guilty. But he's still slightly positive.

Not even Pierce could fully ruin his mood.

//

Today was a good day. To celebrate, he goes to a bar.

He has no special reason to go to one. Because when Bucky does that, it’s usually because he’s stressed. And he’s not stressed today. But he wants to celebrate. And he wants a drink.

Rebecca would say this was meeting was written in the stars.

She would say that because as soon as he enters the bar, he sees - and hears - Sam, laughing.

Sam is enthusiastically talking to a man.

So Sam, dating.

Or not.

It seems that Sam also sees him, since he stops laughing. Sure, he’s still smiling, and sure, he gestures in his direction, pointing to where he is, and sure, Bucky does walk until he’s closer to them, but he’s sure he ruined a date.

Or not.

Bucky doesn’t wants to assume anything just because Sam isn’t straight.

“Hey, Bucky,” Sam hugged him. “This is my friend, Rhodes. Rhodes, this is the Bucky I told you about.”

_Rhodes?_

That name... That’s Tony’s best friend's name. Is this the _Rhodes_ he talked about?

“Hey, man,” Rhodes greeted him. “Sam has told me way too much about you. I’m surprised you’re not smaller.”

Bucky frowned. His wish to drink is forgotten, for a minute, at least. 

“Smaller?” he asks, looking to Sam, who laughs, visibly uncomfortable.

"It was a joke."

“A joke,” Bucky missed those jokes. “Smaller. Me.”

“I mean... you’re not that tall, man.”

“Please, no bar fights today,” Rhodes interrupted.

Sam and Bucky are quiet, looking to each other without even a hint of a smile in their faces, until Sam cracks and smiles. The three of them laugh.

“So,” Rhodes continues, one or more minutes after. Bucky didn't counted. They're still smiling, but he has stopped laughing. “I'm having a déjà-vu.”

Bucky heard Sam stand up.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Sam said.

“I think I’ve heard you name before,” Rhodes answered.

“That’s weird. I’ve heard yours too.”

They look to each other. Bucky decides to be the first one to ask.

Both because he’s curious and because he doesn’t wants to be the one without any control in the conversation.

“Just to be sure, is your name James Rhodes?”

Rhodes nods. His suspicion was right. It's Tony's best friend. How does Sam even knows Tony's best friend?

“And your name’s James _Buchanan_ Barnes.”

The emphasis in Buchanan…

Oh, well, this is not how Bucky thought he’d meet him. He didn’t even thought they’d meet one day.

“Where did you hear my name?” Rhodes asks.

_Fuck you, Sam._

“I had a...”

“A…?”

Bucky is not sure whether he should call it a date or not.

This... this is...

This is the 'overprotective older brother' situation.

It's happening.

Oh lord, it's happening.

_Stay calm, stay calm._

“I had a… double date,” yeah, that’s okay. Right? “I told… my… date… my name was James, and he told me he had a best friend with that name,” who is Bucky trying to fool? He has lost all control of the conversation. _Fuck you, Sam._ “Where did you heard mine?”

“From my best friend,” Rhodes said. “My best friend, who was talking non-stop to someone in his phone, eating more and complaining about someone named Bucky not wanting to watch a rom-com.”

There is a tense silence for a while -  _stay fucking calm -_  but then, Rhodes’ smile widens. Bucky lets the breathe he knew he was holding out. That was scary, he'll admit.

“It’s good to meet you, man,” Rhodes said.

“Good?”

Rhodes nods.

“Anyone who puts a smile in Tony’s face is someone I’m willing to give a chance to.”

Oh. Bucky nods, too.

That's a really nice thing to say.

“I think I can relate to that.”

Sam comes out of the bathroom. That is, if he ever went there, in first place.

“Did I miss anything important?” he asks. Both Bucky and Rhodes shake their heads.

“I don’t want to interrupt you two,” Bucky says. “So I’m going to leave.”

“Interrupt what?” Rhodes frowns. “We were just talking about things while we drink, man. You’re not interrupting anything. In fact, I’m thankful you showed up.”

“Hey,” Sam complains.

Okay.

Bucky is still unsure if this is a date or if it’s not. Or, better, this doesn’t looks so much like a date, but he’s unsure what is the relationship between those two.

“If you insist,” Bucky murmurs. “How did you two meet?”

“Natasha,” it’s always her, isn’t it? Like, seriously. “She introduced me to Rhodes some months ago.”

Natasha, the matchmaker. Bucky remembers when he used to call her that, because she thought it was interesting to introduce her friends to each other, and a lot of times her friends ended up dating after a while. Seems like she still deserves that title.

The bartender looks to him and shakes his head. Judging, like always.

“Did she thought you two were compatible?”

“Yes,” Sam answered.

“And she was right,” Rhodes continued.

Bucky, instead of drinking to celebrate like he had planned, drinks to distract himself from Rhodes and Sam. Maybe that was his mistake.

//

You may ask why that would be a mistake. It would be a mistake, because later, Bucky would be very drunk.

 _"That bartender,"_ a very drunk Bucky would say. _“That bartender hates me. Judges me every time I come here.”_

 _“Who, Thor? Thor-- Thor_ _worries about you,”_ a less-drunk-but-still-drunk Rhodes would reply. _“He worries about-- the… the possibility you gotta an addiction. I know that look.”_

Not-that-drunk Sam would stay quiet, just helping Bucky and Rhodes walk. And judging them, probably. Like the bartender does.

Unfortunately, very drunk Bucky tends to forget things like that.

//

Drinking is the worst thing he has ever did. In his whole life. Worst than the shit Bucky used to say and do when he was younger.

Seriously. The worst. Bucky hates it, he totally hates it. He hates it almost as much as he hates Pierce. Sure, some drinks taste good. But. A hangover. He hates hangovers. He killed his own happiness, ‘cause instead of celebrating it sober like he should he decided to drink and now he had a fucking hangover. He hates hangovers.

The bucket near his bed has vomit inside of it. His cheek is wet and he seriously hopes it’s because he’s drooling.

Stevie opens the door. Why does he have to be so loud?

He hates hangovers.

“Did you knew you groan when you begin to wake up?" he asked. How is Bucky supposed to know that? He's usually busy waking up. "I mean, when you have a hangover. Here.”

He’s holding Advil in one hand and a glass of water in another.

Bucky drinks, fast.

He sighs.

“What time is it?”

Stevie doesn’t answers, not at first.

Oh.

Oh.

Bucky is late for work.

“I called your boss. Told him you were not feeling well,” he answered. “He said he hopes you will get well soon,” he added bitterly.

He has a day off.

He hates hangovers. Did he already said that? Or thought? 'Cause he hates them. So. Much.

“Why do you sound like you don’t believe him?” he asks, whispering. “Of course he does. Me being healthy means I work more which means he gains more money. Of course he wants me to be as healthy as I can.”

Stevie doesn't answers that. Not 'not at first', he doesn't answers that at all.

Bucky sighs again.

“Do you know if he’s gonna punish me for not going to work again?”

“Didn’t sounded like that,” Stevie mumbled.

Yeah. With Pierce, you never know.

Bucky nodded.

“I’m going to leave you to rest and I'll be on the living room, so call me if you need anything. And I’ll let you borrow my laptop.”

He says as if it’s a big thing. As if Bucky doesn't owns that laptop as much as he does at this point.

But Bucky murmurs a ‘thanks’ anyway. His parents raised him to be polite, after all.

//

He spends the rest of the day in the bed, watching Queer Eye. A part of him is guilty for not going to work. The other is thankful.

When the night comes, after he has went to the living room, to eat dinner, he notices Stevie is more quiet than he would normally be. And, in addition to that, that he’s been staring Bucky for a while.

“What’s it?” he asks.

“I said yes,” Stevie answers.

Bucky frowns.

“To what?”

“More like to who," is it just Bucky or does that sounds like Stevie agreed to marry with someone? "To Sharon. I said yes. I’m gonna meet her parents.”

Oh. Oh, damn.

Stevie’s smiling. Bucky can feel his insecurity.

“They’re going to love you,” he murmurs.

“You can’t know that.”

“If they’re anything like her, they will.”

Although he would rather not have a hangover, and not feel bad for the rest of the day he will say this has been a pretty positive week start.

He’s so happy he could quit his job.

(Which he won’t do. But that’s how - maybe not happy, but positive? - happy he is feeling right now.)

It’s a really light feeling. While Bucky feels like it could be lighter than it is and knows that like _other_ emotions, it can’t, unfortunately, last forever, it’s a really light feeling anyway, especially if in comparison with how he has felt lately.

He really likes it.

It’s like he’s hearing Tony’s giggle mixed with hugging his mom and eating McDonald’s fries.

Unfortunately, he's not feeling well enough to read Pride and Prejudice, and he won't, ever, let Stevie read it for him.

No Pride and Prejudice for him today. Though, maybe he had enough - in a good sense - of it on his birthday.

Maybe. Who knows. Certainly not him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rhodey has a déjà-vu and i've just been in this place before
> 
> sorry. I had to.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What starts as Bucky trying to find his old diary so he could try to talk about his feelings for Tony ends with an important and honest conversation between him and Steve and a discovery about himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going to edit and revise this until the end, but i'm tired, so i'll post and continue that later. if you notice mistakes, words that don't mean what you know/think they do, phrases that don't make sense or anything like this, it'll be edited later.
> 
> i think there are no warnings to be given in this chapter, aside the fact that the word 'queer' is used. not as a slur, but in case someone who is reading this needs this warning, i'm putting it here. if you notice anything else that need a warning, in this chapter, in the future ones or in the past ones, and i've not warned for it, [feel free to] tell me! often, i'm not sure about what i should warn/tag for, or if something needs a warning, which is why i ask for help.
> 
> having said that, hello again. good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night. i took longer to write this than i usually do, but as i said (i think i did, and if i didn't, i'll be saying it now) before, i don't want to abandon this story, even if i don't know what to write sometimes. i'm sorry for making you guys wait!
> 
> thank you all for reading this. i appreciate you guys' comments, no matter what type of comment it is, how long or small it is, how detailed or not it is. i also appreciate you guys' kudos. i appreciate you all! i don't know you, but i'm thankful for having you as my reader. i hope you all like this chapter!
> 
> (slightly edited/revised on 04/17/2019. it might still contain mistakes though.)
> 
> (slightly re-edited on 05/03/2019)

He searched for it, while Stevie was looking to him, suspicious and curious.

“What are you searching for?" he asked.

Bucky didn’t answer.

There is this detail about him: once he is interested in a topic, even if he, in reality, dislikes it, his determination - or his stubbornness, depending on context and point of view - makes it... hard. Hard for him to let it go.

It’s why he, even if he tried to avoid it, kept coming back, sometimes subtly and sometimes direct, to the topic of Bucky’s relationship with Tony and the topic of Bucky’s sexuality. Bucky supposes that could make anyone else in his situation upset, and it did made him uncomfortable, but…

And that ‘but’ is the reason he’s picking up each book in the shelf, searching for the one who might not even be here.

“A book.”

He could hear Stevie's sigh.

“I guessed that. I meant which book. We have many, you know.”

And whose fault is that? It's not his. Bucky can be sure of that, at least.

But it would be too out of character for him to be so sure about more than one thing; to continue the routine, he's unsure, because of his usual embarrassment, if he should answer Stevie's question or not. He decides to answer, but in an evasive way.

He stopped his search and turned to Stevie.

“You remember when I said I'd stay with you for a while, don’t you?”

He didn't answer. Bucky waited for his answer, but after more seconds of his silence, Bucky guessed he was quiet because he didn't remember, and not because he was sad.

"I don't," well, he guessed it. "I mean... I think I do, but I'm not sure."

 _Welcome to my life_ , he thought.

“I said I'd stay with you for a while," he repeated. "I said that because you didn't wanted to bother my parents -- as if that would bother them -- by staying with us," Stevie nodded, but he was frowning. Bucky didn't wanted to talk about this. "It was after your mom… you know.”

Mentioning Mrs. Rogers’ death was always an uncomfortable thing for him, even though talking about her wasn’t. He wondered if it was because he didn’t wanted to make Stevie sad or because of his aversion to death-related topics.

Stevie, despite the fact he avoided talking about it for a year, never found it as uncomfortable as Bucky did.

Now, it rarely comes up, but before, after said year, he made many drawings that would later disappear. He also watched horror movies, most of them focused in ghosts, and he’d wake Bucky up at 2am, with his cheeks red, asking if he could sleep in his bed.

 _I had a nightmare_ , he’d say, or _I am having a panic attack_. Bucky believed it the first time. The second as well. The third, he got suspicious. But he always accepted Stevie in his bed, even before he found out what he was doing, before he could imagine why. Because he loved him, and Stevie was his brother from another mother, like they used to say.

Does Bucky changes the focus of his thoughts constantly, or does it only happens when he’s uncomfortable?

“Ohh. Okay. I remember it now. Why?”

He ignored his question and continued. “What about the bag I brought with me?”

“Your school bag?” he asked. Bucky nodded. “Yeah. You didn’t planned before coming and you ended up with only seven pair of clothes for two months, so you had to borrow Dum Dum's clothes. I think some of them are still here.”

The way he spoke, and the memory of the clothes, would make Bucky smile if it weren't for his focus.

“You remember more than I do," he sighed. "So you probably remember the things I brought.”

“Aside from your school material and... and what I think was a toothbrush, I remember there was a hot pink flip phone and a diary.”

“Do you have any idea of where the diary might be?”

“On top of the shelf."

Why hadn't he thought of that before?

"Thanks," he mumbled.

His first two attempts at picking up the diary went wrong. The first book he picked up was a bible and the second was a sketchbook. Thankfully, he found it in the third attempt.

“Not to invade your privacy...” Stevie began. “...but I got two questions.”

“No.”

“I didn’t even said anything--”

“Still no.”

Stevie crossed his arms, sighing, and pouted. The pout would continue for the next five minutes, when he’d get tired of it and would come back to whatever he was doing with that FireAlpaca thing.

Bucky put the thing inside of his drawer, and followed with his Saturday.

He talked to Tony:

 _**there is this book I want to read  
it’s not available ** _ _**on english tho. I have no idea of what to do.** _

_Learn the language?_

_**I thought about that, but im not sure I have time for it** _

_Lol. I know how that feels :(  
So you wont read it?_

_**Im too curious for that. i’ll use google translate. As questionable as it is, at least its something.** _

_Good luck, dude_

And he talked to Sam:

_**I have a…** _

_**offer.** _

_I see…_

_my answer is no._

_**You don’t know what it is. How can you know you’ll dislike it without even trying it?** _

_It’s not you, it’s me_

_**I hate you** _

_I love you too  
but hey, i’m being honest. Its not you… offers from other people rarely get me excited_

_**thats bc you always want it to be ‘more money’ and not ‘a lifetime emotional opportunity’** _

_what can I say? Money is happiness for me._

_**It is for most people who aren’t somewhat rich, even if they dont notice.** _

_ok. that was fun while it lasted, but we gotta say goodbye, etc etc, that bullshit from child’s cartoons. What is it?_

_**Careful, barnes, with such a sour taste, one might think you’re spoiled milk. Poor cartoons.** _

_**Me and jim were talking** _

_Jim?_  
  
**Rhodes**

_oh.  
ok. What do I have to do with that?_

_**We were talking about you  
about, maybe, adding you to our chat. I promise you no lewd messages. Jim is interested on knowing you.** _

_Because he likes you?_

_**Because he likes tony.** _

_Why would he want to know me because of that?_

_**you’re either kidding me or drowning in denial  
**_ **_he’s a good fried, let’s leave it at that._**  
**_Friend._**

‘ _fried’_

_**shut up. Do you want it or not?** _

He thought, carefully as he could, being given only minutes to think. Well, Sam didn’t said he had to decide right away, but Bucky felt like he had, so he only let himself think for minutes.

The way he was treating him wasn’t necessarily weird. Sometimes, Sam gets playful, which has led to conversations like _if you tell me you don’t like pineapple pizza I’m not your friend anymore_ between them. But at the same time, this is not how he has been treating him lately.

Sam, with the best intentions, Bucky noticed, treated him… not like he were a child, as he thought before, but like he had a sign in his forehead that said ‘fragile, handle with care’. It started after he… It started after he told Sam, subtly, that he might be attracted to Tony.

Either because he was feeling playful, because he changed his mind or something else, at least for now, he - they - was back to normal.

He decided. He said _yes_.

//

Later, when Stevie was already sleeping, after he told Tony _good night_ and after he muted the notifications of the group chat Sam put him in, Bucky finally decided to pay some attention to his diary.

Nothing he did with Tony, not even the times they freeze when they hug each other or accidentally touch each other, would be as embarrassing as the few pages in which his younger self spilled some parts of his soul.

The first page had a little drawing of a dog that Bucky decided to do. It was ugly, but he remembered smiling while he drew it.

 _I don’t know how to have a diary_ , he wrote. _So I’m going to talk about dogs._

_I’ve always wanted one, or a cat, or both, but my mother won’t let me because she says taking care of a dog is like taking care of a child that doesn’t speaks. I used to think that she should let me have one, then, because I was good with children. Now I know that she told me that because she thought we didn’t had enough money to make the dog comfortable. I still wonder how it’d be like to have a dog. I’d name him something silly like Dr. Paw, because that’s a classy name for a dog._

The embarrassment and the nostalgia are both feelings he's having to deal with right now. If Dr. Paw appeared, what, next day, as a puppy left on his door, Bucky probably would name him Dog.

_My father gave me this diary as a gift for my eleventh birthday._

He stopped reading, and remembered.

While teenager Bucky wrote some things too, after reading that, he remembers that he gained this when he was a child. It surely explains why the page is about a dog and not about girls, Natasha or bottled up anger. At that age, unless the topic came up from his classmates, Bucky, most of the time, didn’t thought about girls so much. Instead, he thought about his family and, well, animals.

_I didn’t wrote anything because I didn’t knew what to write, but I found it some days ago and decided to write something. Dad said that everyone should be careful with their money. He said to me and Carol that we should only pay for things that we need or that we really, really, really want._

_I asked him if he really wanted a diary and he told me that he didn’t, but that he thought that I could let my feelings out and still have privacy, and he said that was important. Dad is a very wise man. I wished I were Carol, so I could tell him I love him and mom a lot._

Bucky, embarrassed as he was, smiled. While he thought those things he said were kind of pathetic, he couldn’t help but want to hug his child self, as if they were different people, and give him the bad and good news, that he won’t be as cute when he grows up but that he’ll be as charming.

He had searched for the diary because he thought that maybe he could talk about his feelings for Tony and his feelings as a whole. But now, he's curious about what his past self wrote. Or, maybe, he feels like he needs to read it before he can write. He’s not sure.

He puts it back inside of his drawer, not because of embarrassment, but because his eyes are watery, and aside from not being sure if he wants or if he needs to read it, he’s also not sure he can continue without crying.

So he turns around and tries to sleep.

//

To both his and Stevie’s surprise, Bucky finishes Pride and Prejudice on Sunday. The last line is what he thought, when he began to read it, what the rest of the book would be like.

_...Darcy, as well as Elizabeth, really loved them; and they were both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who, by bringing her into Derbyshire, had been the means of uniting them._

The ending, he thinks, is a little rushed. But it’s possible - likely, even - that it’s not, and that Bucky only thinks that because he wanted more before the end.

And, since not admitting something is more embarrassing than the contrary, and no one but Bucky has access to his thoughts, he admits that he’s feeling envious of Darcy and Elizabeth, even knowing he shouldn’t be, because he likes to live in this time period well enough, thank you very much.

But it’s just that he has made comparisons before. Elizabeth’s opinions, firmly held, somewhat sharp, had made him remember of himself when he was younger and not as tired because of work. The way she rejected Darcy's proposal - which was beautiful, he’d like to point out - made him think of being rejected.

Bucky, of course, had been rejected before.

Women have told him that they didn't liked men, that they were married, that they were someone’s fiancee or girlfriend. Or that they weren’t interested right now, that they didn’t wanted anything and once or twice a woman told him she was asexual.

It was a surprise, but today Bucky knows what it means.

Unless the woman is someone Bucky is emotionally invested on, being rejected doesn't makes him sad, or embarrassed. He goes on, flirting with other women.

After so many years of dating and one-night-stands, rejection itself has become normal for him. He thinks that everyone, no matter their gender or who they are attracted to, should, for their own good (to avoid broken-hearts) try to look at it this way too. Not everyone will be attracted to you, or like you, and it’s not because of you, but because of their own preferences, thoughts and somewhat because of chemistry.

Having said that, Bucky deeply feared rejection from women he  _was_ emotionally invested on. And right now, when he thought about Tony, when he thought about confessing, he deeply feared rejection too.

He wouldn’t blame Tony, not at all, but even knowing Tony doesn’t labels himself, Bucky would have to gather all the courage he knows he has and hasn’t to confess. So being rejected would be a shock.

He did say, before, that it was to both his and Stevie’s surprise, didn’t he?

Well, he did. Bucky felt surprised because he had a hard time reading books, and while it took him a considerate amount of time to finish it, it was less than what he assumed it would be. Stevie, though, had a completely different cause for his surprise.

“You, James Buchanan Barnes,” he said, looking like he was having fun, and he probably was. “who hates Jane Austen--”

“I never _hated_ Jane Austen. I just thought her books were boring. I was a moody teen, Stevie, anything related to romance, especially something older than my parents, was boring to me,” he corrected, and explained, but as he expected, he was completely ignored.

“--who said you were into her as much as you were into men--” Bucky could hear a silent emphasis on _as much_. “--finished Pride and Prejudice, her most famous work, and the source of your hate for her?”

He stopped himself from correcting him again.

“Yeah.”

“And you liked it.”

“I did.”

“I’m gonna quote you, Bucky. _I’m into Jane Austen as much as I’m into men_ \--”

“Things can change.”

“--you said that in high school, and Morita and Falsworth are my witnesses.”

“Things can change,” he repeated. “Besides, I was a teenager who knew little, if anything, about myself.”

Stevie closed his mouth.

Bucky cleared his throat. That didn’t sounded like he thought it would.

“I mean--”

“You’re talking about the book,” Stevie interrupted. He nodded. “I know, I understood.”

“Stevie,” he sighed. “You are so fucking lucky I like you.”

“I know,” Stevie replied. “I mean, if it bothers you--”

Bucky decided to be direct, instead of simply replying it didn’t.

“Don’t worry, because it doesn’t. And don’t change, because right now, you...”

Stevie looked to him, curious.

“I…?”

This is why he hates to be direct about those type of things.

He sat next to Stevie, basically dropping himself in his bed, already used to the movement to the point he didn’t even looked before sitting to make sure he wasn’t about to sit on his legs.

“When you… when you...” he shook his head. “When Sharon accepted you -- when you confessed to her. What did she do? How did she react?”

Stevie moved. Bucky supposed his cheeks were red, but because of his own embarrassment, he was looking down, to the floor.

“She said ‘I like you too’,” he answered.

Bucky nodded.

“How did you feel?”

“Weird. And happy, but...”

Stevie didn’t continued.

“If you were used to dating women… would you feel as weird?”

“I’m not sure. I guess I wouldn’t.”

Okay. Yeah. That was good enough.

“Your normalcy had been messed up.”

“That’s a dramatic--” look at who’s talking! “--way to put it, but maybe it had. A little. Not so much.”

“And you’re straight, aren’t you?”

“I might not be as open to flirting with women as you are, but yeah, I am.”

“So, you, how would you -- and I mean, how would you truly feel -- how would you feel if Sharon were a man? And you still liked her like you do now?”

Stevie fell silent.

“Oh,” he finally said. “ _oh_. Oh my God. Why didn’t you told me that before? I could have a total different approach if you had, and--”

Bucky looked to him, frowning.

Stevie fell silent again.

“You, uh,” he said. “You… were feeling like your normalcy was messed up.”

He nodded.

“I was. I am.”

“That’s, hum, what I meant. If you told me that… I’m not sure what I’d do, but I wouldn’t do what I was doing. I was… this is weird.”

Bucky smiled, uncomfortable.

“Very.”

Stevie took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, as if he were the straight-man-who-liked-another-man.

“Okay. Can I go first?”

“Feel free to. The floor is yours."

“Okay. Okay, thanks. I’m not gay, so I’m not fully comfortable talking about this.”

It was… understandable. Bucky told his thoughts to stay quiet, since both _well, you could be bi_ and _well, you could be trans_ popped up in his head.

“And, hum, by that, I don’t… you know. It’s not because I feel uncomfortable with LGBT people, but because I’m not sure if I should talk about this, since I’m not...”

“Queer?” Bucky offered. He liked the word queer.

“Yeah. I didn’t wanted you to think I loved you any less because you weren’t… because you liked Tony. There are so many news and people talking about how they were kicked out of their houses, how their friends stopped talking to them. I didn’t wanted you to think I didn’t accepted you, or that I’d do something to you. And I guess I wanted to reassure you that you were… you were normal, because I don’t think this makes anyone abnormal.”

Bucky nodded.

That made enough sense.

And it was heart-warming, even if incredibly unnecessary.

“But?”

Stevie took another deep breath.

“But I think I was… not considering that you would want me to treat you as if you had said you ate omelet for dinner.”

He chuckles, because of the bizarre analogy. Thankfully, Stevie chuckles too.

“Yeah,” Stevie says. “I think I’m finished. Do you want to…?”

Bucky shrugged.

“I don’t know. Guess I don’t,” he answers. “But… well. Sam treats me as if I were fragile. Tony is someone… new, I guess. My family doesn’t lives that close, so you’re the only good type of normalcy I have.”

Stevie nodded.

“If talking to Sam isn’t working,” he began. “I seriously think you should talk to Tony.”

“I can’t,” Bucky replied. Stevie shook his head.

“I’m not telling you to confess, if you’re not ready,” he explained. “but that you should talk to him about this, because he’s better at this than me, and he’ll treat you as he already does.”

“He’d figure out why I’m asking,” Bucky said.

“Look, Bucky...” Stevie looked as if he were about to say something, something Bucky wouldn’t like, but he shook his head again and gave up. “trust me, he wouldn’t. Again, I _seriously_ think you should talk to him about this. He knows so much more about what you’re going through than I do, and as I said, he’ll treat you as he already does. He won’t treat you any different. I mean it.”

“Are you sure?”

Steve looked to him. Bucky, although serious, had to hold his smile. He supposed they liked to annoy each other.

“Look. I’ll be honest with you. You’re my best friend. Sam and Sharon are people I also consider my best friends. And Tony is, too. I’m _twenty-five_ , Bucky, and I’ve known him since I was nineteen. That’s six years. Sure, we weren’t friends at first, but… Six years, Bucky, six years! Of course I am sure.”

That was too much. He burst out laughing.

Stevie, somehow, managed to stay serious and look angry, with his arms crossed.

When Bucky, with tears in his eyes, stopped laughing and looked to him, he was smiling.

Bucky got a hiccup, which, even if truly annoying, was worth it.

//

Sunday had been a good day. He tried to not get suspicious of what the next days would be like.

He cooked dinner. They had plenty of food, but not that plenty of ingredients, so he decided to make an omelet. Sunday was a free day almost every week, but Bucky’s motivation was not as constant.

Stevie looked happy. He decided not to ask him about it. He was happy, too.

Bucky finished reading Pride and Prejudice - which he unexpectedly liked, unexpectedly related to and unexpectedly seemed realistic - and he was a little prideful of himself for it. And that talk, embarrassing as it was, that he had with Stevie was…

It was important. For him, at least.

After eating dinner, talking to each other and watching _The Emperor’s New Groove_ on Netflix, Stevie goes to sleep. Bucky closes the tabs and turns his laptop off for him. There’s no real space for it inside their room, so he puts it on the table in the living room.

He comes back, and he finally has time for himself. His first thought is _Tony_.

Then, it’s a question. _Since when does Tony dominates my mind?_ , and it’s not Bucky’s first question that doesn’t has an answer, probably won’t be the last, but right now, it’s the most important. He can’t remember when that happened. He can barely remember when Tony stopped being a fun friend he met in an unusual situation and began to be more, even if he were, still, his friend. He can’t remember when or how those things happened.

But they happened.

To be honest, he thinks about many things. He has his questions on complex things, his questions on simple things, his doubts, his nostalgia and his worries. But Tony. _Tony_. Lately, as he thought, Tony has dominated his mind.

Bucky wants to talk to him. He wants to know what he thought about this movie, this book, this series, this food. He wants to know what he thinks about this person, about this topic. He wants to hear Tony talking about his interests, he wants to hear Tony ranting about things, he wants to hear Tony’s complaints, he wants to hear _Tony_.

Has he ever felt like that before?

The answer doesn’t takes long to come to his mind: _yes_.

Yes, he has.

He has felt like that before. With his first girlfriend, Kate. And a small number of women. And Natasha.

 _Oh_ , Bucky thinks. If those are the only people who made him feel like that - the women he dated, and the women he didn’t but wished he had - and Bucky has never felt like that with a friend, not really, not in that way, maybe…

Maybe…

Maybe, just maybe, Bucky is, actually, into Tony.

Like. _Really_ into Tony. Not a one-night-stand into - which is good, which Bucky likes better than relationships because it’s easier for him, but which is different too - but _really_ into.

In an attempt to, at least for now, ignore it, he picks up his diary from his drawer, and continues to read.

The second page is a bad, embarrassing, slightly good drawing of an anchor with flowers around it. The drawing is colored - the anchor, he guesses, he colored with his pencil, and the four flowers around it were colored with orange, yellow, red and blue, in that order.

Below, he had written:

_This is a tattoo and one day I’m going to have it. I’ve decided it’s going to be on my left shoulder. Dad said I just had to wait until I grew up, and mom said that I had to think well about it._

Unfortunately - fortunately, for him, already an adult - his plans didn’t became true. Bucky’s blank body, free of ink, with some scars, is a proof.

He flipped the page.

_I like Full House. It makes me think of my family, but I have a mom and our house is not nice in the same way. My favorite character is Uncle Jesse._

Bucky blushes. This is not the last thing he said about this, but he stops there, remembering this… thing. He remembers liking Jesse too much. He continues to read it.

_I like the way he dresses and I like his long hair. I wish I were him and I want to be like him when I grow up. He’s good with women._

_He’s handsome. I think I’ve never seen another man who looks good like he does. Carol thinks that too._

He remembers this… detail. He remembers imitating Jesse, getting fixated on him, wanting to dress like him and to grow his hair so he could have Jesse’s hair.

It was Bucky’s biggest obsession. As embarrassed as he is now, he has a feeling that his younger self was more. He remembers blushing when he wrote it too.

He puts the diary inside of his drawer, where it was and where it should stay, as if it were a cursed object, and turns around to sleep.

Instead of sleeping, he spends twenty minutes or more thinking about this.

He remembers. The fixation, the admiration, the healthy obsession.

Bucky is almost one hundred per cent sure of what it means. But right now, he wants to run away from it.

He manages to fall asleep.

//

Earlier, after his talk with Stevie but before dinner, Bucky had thought about reading another book written by Jane Austen. The title was Sense and Sensibility.

Like he said, things change.

Even if slightly, even if twice and not anymore, Bucky might be into Jane Austen as much as he is into Pride and Prejudice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess i'm going to add more tags, but i'm not so sure about what i should tag. if you have a suggestion, tell me!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a week in Bucky's life is without Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS
> 
> SPOILERS
> 
> NOT SURE WHAT YOU GUYS CONSIDER AS A SPOILER
> 
> IS IT EVERYTHING THAT IS RELATED TO A NEW MOVIE, EVEN THE TINIEST DETAILS
> 
> OR IS IT JUST THE BIG THINGS?
> 
> BEWARE, (ENEMIES OF THE HEIR) THERE'S ONE (1) SPOILER IN THE END NOTES/HERE WHICH IS A CHARACTER'S EXISTENCE
> 
> you can just ignore the notes if you don't want to see it though :-)
> 
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .
> 
> can you tell i really don't want anyone angry with me
> 
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .
> 
> yeah i think that's enough
> 
> i watched avengers: endgame and as the good marvel fan (somewhat shipper) i'll ignore everything that happened in it. but i guess i might include morgan in a work. she's one of the good things from the movie!
> 
> this is the shortest chapter yet, i think. i'm not sure there are any trigger warnings aside from getting drunk being mentioned? if you notice something, tell me.
> 
> i'm not exactly proud of this BUT i wanted to put something out there to signalize i am alive. plus, i can always edit it later, i guess.
> 
> things have been slightly rough? lately. i think it might be influencing my creativity? not sure.
> 
> i hope this chapter is not as bad as i think it is. love y'all!
> 
> (this is not fully revised/it's unrevised & unedited)
> 
> (not a warning that i edited this or anything but there's a... questionable line in there, which is not questionable for its content but because no matter how many times i edit it it'll never be bold & italic. you'll recognize it when you see it. i can't get it right and not for lack of trying. just a warning)

One week is not supposed to make you feel like Monday is the first day of the month and Friday is the last.

Yet, that is how Bucky is feeling - or better, how he felt - since Tony left him. _Left_ is too much of a dramatic word, and he’s overreacting a little, but…

But... But...

He can’t defend himself.

He _is_ overreacting.

Tony had sent _**hey**_ which was followed by _**some stuff happened, so it’s likely i won’t be online so much this week**_. Bucky guessed _so much_ meant he wouldn’t be online at all.

 _Good luck_ , he replied, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

 _ **Thank you**_ , Tony sent. There was the heart emoji again.

Bucky knew what it was like when some stuff happened, so he kept himself calm. And it worked on Monday.

As the week progressed, it… it was not so good.

Pierce choose to bother someone else - Bucky didn’t cared enough to find out who - and his work-hours were more tolerable, despite being the same, but he felt sad.

He opened the group chat Sam had put him in, the one with James Rhodes, the one he muted, and sent _does anyone here wants to pay for my drinks?_ not bothering to check the context. He thinks they’re both trustworthy, but there’s something about group chats that bring out the worst in people.

 **you’re drunk in the middle of the week?** Rhodes sent back.

 _...no_ , he answered, _I just want to be_.

 _ **Why?**_ Sam sent.  _ **Something good happened?**_

_The contrary, actually. i’m feeling lonely and I could use some distraction._

**Lonely?**

_Yeah. So, no drinks?_

Both Sam and Rhodes agreed. No drinks. But they distracted him, even if he was still sad.

//

Around 9pm, Rhodes sent him a message in private.

_**Lonely, then?** _

It’s the same he sent earlier.

Maybe he didn’t meant to send it.

_Yeah. I kind of am? Or was._

_**Would you mind if I told Tony that?** _

_I mean, I don’t see why_ , he really didn’t, _but no, I guess I wouldn’t._

 ** _that’s great because I already did and sam was bothering me about keeping ur privacy_  
**  
That seemed like a thing Sam would do.

_**Tony told me to tell you he misses you, too.  
And that he loves you. Idk what type of guy u are, barnes, but this is the best tony has ever dealt with things in a long time. Thanks.** _

He’d send ‘you’re welcome’, but he’s not sure he should.

But he blushes, thinking about that. It’s nothing but friendly, but it makes Bucky feels as if there might be one tiny butterfly in his stomach. (Is it just him that thinks how disgusting and disturbing a butterfly in the stomach would be?)

Tony likes him enough to say he loves him, even if it’s not more than friendly affection. And he misses him and while it doesn’t makes the whole sadness go away, Bucky’s next day is more tolerable because of it.

//

Stevie is going to go to Sharon’s parents house next week (also known as, he’ll go out around 5am on Sunday and he’ll come back either next Sunday or Saturday). Bucky’s loneliness comes back in full force because he’s too used to having someone he can turn to and say “Sam thinks pineapple pizza is bad, what should I do?”.

But he’s a good friend, so he helps Stevie with his things. Stevie has decided to only take _appropriate_ clothes with him, aside from things he needs.

How come he has so many drawings with different themes and styles, only to dress like a boring old man?

“Stop looking,” he tells Bucky once he realizes he’s being watched as he chooses clothes. “I want to make them think I’m good enough for Sharon.”

“You are good enough for her,” not a lie.

“They might not think that,” Stevie replies. He sure has an answer-slash-reply for everything, damn.

Bucky sighs.

“And you?” Stevie asks. Bucky looks to him, confused. “Do you have any plans?”

“No,” he answers, honestly.

Stevie nods.

“I see. Well. Just don’t do anything in my bed.”

Bucky frowns; Stevie doesn’t answers.

He finishes helping him with his things.

Bucky is still confused, and Stevie is still not answering.

//

The last day of the month arrives. With that, comes Tony.

He sends a message before Bucky wakes up that Bucky doesn’t sees until after he comes back from work and takes a shower.

 _ **I missed you**_ , he says. _**More than I thought I would.**_

 _Same_ , Bucky replies, because he’s not so good with his words when he feels that happy.

_Did you... took... care... of whatever happened?_

For two minutes, he only sees a 'Tony is typing' bubble. It's a curious thing, since the answer is... short.

_**You could say that. You might have motivated me.** _

_Me?_

Him?

_**You.** _

_But I didn’t do anything._

_**You kind of did.  
Even though we didn’t even talked, I just… wanted to… solve it. Look, explaining the logic behind my thoughts is pretty hard. Sorry.** _

_Don’t be, I just felt surprised._

Very surprised.

_**My birthday is going to be in a few days. Are you free on may 29?** _

‘ _A few days’ seems to be kind of longer than I’d thought it was, but I guess I am? Or at least I’ll be._

_**Then i’m inviting you to my birthday party already.  
i’ll send you the address when I decide it. Consider yourself lucky, because you’re the first one to know about that.** _

He did.

Tony couldn’t even guess how much Bucky considered himself lucky.

 _And i’m accepting your invitation already_ , he replied, keeping the tone of the conversation.

Has Tony ever been this open with him? Not necessarily in telling details, but the way he’s talking…

Bucky’s probably overthinking.

 **you’ll be the honor guest  
** I need to go tho, rhodeys saying soon or later i’ll drop the phone or myself if I focus on it instead of in walking  
**good night bucky. See u later. I love you ;***

_I love you too._

He means it more than Tony does - at least, in a romantic sense - but it feels good (and embarrassing) to say it anyway.

He still thinks there might be something slightly weird in the way Tony types, but maybe he’s drunk. And he might not be. Bucky’s overthinking.

He goes to sleep while thinking about him, instead of while reading something. It’s a nice thing to do. Bucky missed his thoughts. Tony is in many of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did anyone else looked at morgan and thought 'winteriron love child'? because i did.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Sunday. Sharon and Steve leave for her parents' house, Bucky makes Tony cry (in a good way!), Tony invites Bucky to dinner and everything is fine until it's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM ALIVE I SWEAR
> 
> this chapter was finished since... days?? ago but my perfectionism made an appearance so it took me this long to actually post it. i slowly convinced myself that for now i'm kind of exhausted because of writing and trying to rewrite it and that right now, that will keep me from being able to rewrite it even if i want to, so i got the courage to post it. i don't actually know what to write here. this month has been... weird. rough? and i'm just... tired.
> 
> i hope that this is. readable. that it makes sense. i'll edit it later - even if i won't rewrite it - because there are chances i let some mistakes appear. writing when tired and posting it when you're tired: we die like men.
> 
> this fic is getting longer than i thought it would get. it's like... a fake slow burn.
> 
> anyway. i'm probably not making much sense. i'm tired.
> 
> i think that, for this chapter, the warnings are toxic relationships, mentions of yelling matches, implied fighting, ~bad~ words, i think that a panic attack. as said in the chapter's summary, everything is fine until it's not.
> 
> also. this was meant to be like the last chapter, but longer. but sunday just... stole the spotlight.
> 
> (if you see anything that needs a warning but that i haven't warned for, feel free to tell me!)
> 
> i hope you, who chooses to read this, will like it! ♥

In only twenty minutes, Stevie has gone from eating breakfast - omelet and orange juice. Bucky isn’t sure if they have eaten anything but cereal and milk or omelet and orange juice for breakfast this year - without a hint of anxiety in his face, saying something along the lines of, “You know, mom used to say I was easy to like,” to tapping his foot against the floor and saying to Bucky that, “They’re going to take a look at me and they will see no more than a friend. Either they will hate me or they will think _you’re nice, but we don’t want you as the father of our grandchildren_.”

He repeated that process more times than Bucky can count. The words he uses change, and so does the intensity of the way he talks, but the base continues the same. Bucky, who has dealt with this before, replies to a good amount of what comes out of his mouth.

“You are,” he replies, when Stevie talks about being easy to like. “I mean, it gets hard to deal with your thick head after a while, but I bet only me and Sharon know that.”

“Shut up,” Stevie says, but he smiles. “I have other friends, you know.”

“I know you do. What I bet is that only we have to deal with that thick head for longer periods of time, so we notice it more than others.”

And Stevie laughs. He tries to look angry as he does it, so Bucky gives him a 10 for effort, 0 for the execution.

When Stevie talks about not being seen as Sharon's boyfriend, he replies too.

“They will like you and think of you as their daughter’s boyfriend, Stevie, because you’re easy to like and because you _are_ their daughter’s boyfriend,” he says. “And slow down there, okay? You barely met her parents and you’re talking about having children with her,” with a tiny smile, which might or might not be a bit mischievous, he continues, “Unless you have something to tell me.”

“What?” Stevie asks. “I, uh, no, I mean, I guess not-- Sharon would tell me if she were, we use condoms…”

“You’d be an awesome dad,” Bucky chuckles. “But wait until you meet her parents, and try to plan it first.”

“Don’t do that,” Stevie frowns. “You’re in my head now.”

“You should thank me. At least something good is filling that empty space,” Stevie throws one of the couch's cushions in Bucky’s direction. Bucky ducks and avoids it. Stevie was never good at aiming things anyway. “How bad is your anxiety right now?”

“Bad?” he answers, but it sounds like a question. “I mean, having to deal with you being an asshole made it a bit better. I think that’s only coincidence, of course.”

And that is what the last minutes have been like, over and over _and over and over_ again. Bucky regrets pointing out the child thing with a joke, because Stevie begins to plan the non-existent child’s existence. _We’d have her when we’re thirty, is what I’m thinking right now._

“You do realize that’s only five years away from now, right?” Bucky asks.

“I… had not realized that,” he clears his throat. “Thirty five, maybe? What do you think?”

“Thirty five is a perfectly acceptable age to have a child, if you want that and if you’re ready.”

Once he gives Stevie’s question an honest answer, Bucky decides to humor him and give him suggestions of what to name the child.

“If you choose to have children one day,” Stevie says him after ten different suggestions. “I beg of you - let the other person choose the name.”

That’s just a few minutes away from the conversation filled with _I agree with you but I think you’re wrong_ and _maybe you’re right and they’ll like me_ they had, but when Sharon arrives, Stevie is not as anxious as he would have been.

Bucky pats himself in the shoulder for it (metaphorically, of course).

Stevie goes to their room to pick his bag. He takes that as an opportunity to give her a warning.

“He was having an anxiety attack some minutes ago,” he tells her, and feels a little guilty despite not having control over the situation because her face is full of worry as soon as he tell her this. “So, uh, I might’ve pointed out something he said to distract him.”

“What was it?” she asks.

“He,” he sighs. “He really wants your parents to like him. He said he feels like he’d be the guy your parents think of as your friend, not the father of their future grandchildren. I pointed out that last part wasn’t close to happening unless he had something to tell me and I might’ve got into his head.”

She giggles. It's loud. It makes Bucky want to laugh too.

“That’s how he is,” she says. There’s warmness in her voice. “It’s okay. Even if you got into his head, we discuss those things, so we can talk about it until he forgets.”

“I just…” he sighs. “I didn’t wanted you two to have a misunderstanding in case you don’t want to have kids. Or something like that.”

“Thanks for worrying about us,” she smiles. “You didn’t had to.”

“You’re a good person and I like you,” Bucky says. “And you’re my best friend’s girlfriend, and he likes you a lot, so… I get worried anyway.”

Both of them hug him - Sharon hugs him for longer, surprisingly - before they leave.

When they leave, Bucky closes and locks the door, just in case, and goes back to the bedroom.

He searches for something warm, because it’s kind of cold this morning, and he finds a sweater. The one Sharon knitted him.

He puts it. It’s warm enough for this weather, and he had been waiting for the right weather to wear it, after all.

He goes back to sleep, wearing it.

//

He wakes up at 10am. Tony sends him a message when he’s finishing his breakfast.

_**so steve is finally going to meet sharon’s parents?** _

_y_ _eah_ , he answers. The way Tony asks might not have any real meaning, but Bucky wonders how long have Sharon and Steve been together. He has a feeling he was the last person to know. _wait, who told you that?_

_**sharon.** _

He should’ve guessed it.

Tony sends him an image of a group chat called _girl talk_ , which has an emoji of a lipstick after _talk_ and of nail-polish before _girl_. Below the group’s name is written _sharon carter, natasha romanoff and tony stark_ and it’s not really a group he would expect Tony to be in.

The background is a picture of red roses.

_sharon carter:_

_toni, can i ask you a favor?_

_**tony stark:** _

_**do you even have to ask? ofc you can** _

_**god, i’ve been waiting for this moment for so long** _

_sharon carter:_

_don’t get too used to it. i’m also not going to be any less protective with you because of it!_

_the thing is, steve and i are going to be away for some days…_

_could you take care of my house for me?_

_**tony stark:** _

_**being all alone in your house… now that is a scary thought.  
do you still have that creepy porcelain doll in the living room?** _

_sharon carter:_  
i do. also she’s not creepy you’re just easily scared  
_i assume that is a yes tho_

_**tony stark:** _

_**you know me, of course it’s a yes  
i mean now that i know i’ll have to be alone in the same house as that doll i’m tempted to say no but it’s a yes** _

The messages have been sent some time ago.

 _ **didn’t got to include it in the pic**_ , Tony continues, _**but sharon told me more details abt it after that. so th**_ _ **at’s how i know about it**_ _ **.**_

__you’re house-sitting?  
that’s as unexpected as you being in a girl talk group._ _

__**you doubt my capacities?  
And, also, it’s not a girl talk group. We just call it that so no one pries if they see a notification pop up.** _ _

__**Like, you know, if you see a group called that you'll expect things about make-up and romance, right? Because for many people, that's girly. It's the stereotype and all that. So we can talk about important things... without people noticing they're important.** _ _

__of course not. just didn’t expected them. tho i probably should have.  
and, damn. maybe it's just me but that actually makes sense?? you're a genius_ _

__**well, 'you' in this case is 'we' bc it was something the three of us came up with together, but thanks ♥** _ _

_**how’s steve dealing with this?** _

_he was anxious when he left. thinks sharon’s parents won’t like him._

_**they will** _

_**sharon’s parents are really nice people. steve’s like, if anything, the son-in-law of their dreams.** _

_really?_

_**yeah. he’s all they’d want in a son-in-law.** _

_**he’s respectful of sharon and he appreciates her and he won’t hurt her.** _

Bucky blinks.

That seemed to be…

 _really?_ _that seems_ _such… low expectations. like, what you’d expect from anyone who will date your kid._

 _**they like me, buck** _ _**y.** _ _**they’re not known for having high standards** _ _**or high expectations** _ _**.** _

It feels wrong to read that. Someone with low standards liking Tony seems likely, but that’s just because he _is_ awesome and not because of their low standards.

 _w_ _ell,_ _i_ _am_ , he replies. a _nd you fit my all of my standards,_ _and you’re just what I expected_ _._

Tony doesn’t types anything at first.

But some minutes after Bucky’s message, he sends him _ **i can’t believe it.**_

He sends Bucky a picture of himself. He’s in his bed, and his hair is perfect in a way it shouldn’t be when you’re in bed and his skin looks so soft in a way it shouldn’t look when you never talk about how you take care of your skin but the worst thing about it is that he’s crying. Tony should never cry.

_**you made me cry.** _

_:(_

_**don’t be :(** _

_**be :D** _

_**i rarely cry because of good things.** _

They keep talking to each other for the rest of the day.

 _ **i was about to start cooking dinner, but then I thought about something and uh. i’m not sure about asking it but.**_ _ **a**_ _ **re you up for eating dinner with me?**_ , Tony sends at 6pm.

 _My place or yours?_ , Bucky sends without the same hesitation he’d have if this were happening some time ago.

_**i’m alone and this will be my last day in my home for a week** _

_**and i’ve gone to your place before, so maybe you should come here.** _

_**maybe.** _

_maybe._

_give me the address._

_**i could give you the address  
but i also could pick you up ;)** _

He feels like keysmashing, or yelling or banging his head in the wall. Maybe all of those. His heart screams _oh my god oh my god oh my god_ and he’s a teen again, going to his first date with a girl he really, really likes.

 _i don’t want to bother you…_ , he sends, though, before saying yes, because he’s not sure it would be polite to just say ‘yes’.

_**you’d not bother me at all.** _

As if that were a sign of the deities that meant that everything would be okay, Bucky replies _then you can come. i swear i won’t be late._

//

Bucky takes a quick shower, just in case, so he's not sweaty when Tony arrives. Stevie might have told him that Tony couldn’t care less for that, but it doesn’t really helps Bucky when he’s faced with the chance that Tony _might_ care a little.

He takes his time choosing his clothes, but tries to keep his choices casual. Tony invited him to dinner at his house, not at a fancy restaurant, after all. So he ends up with an old gray shirt - it’s not like anyone will see it anyway - and he keeps wearing the sweater Sharon knitted him. And his second favorite leather jacket, since the first one is really only for special things.

And a pair of jeans that he randomly picks because he hears a notification sound from his phone and when he checks it, Tony just sent him _**i think i’m getting there**_ followed by _**i remembered where u live! that’s new for me**_. The shoes are something All Star-ish he has had for, maybe, he’s not sure, the past three years?

Bucky is not much of a fashion guy.

He hears a knock on the door and he almost destroys the apartment in his way to open it, but he gets there unharmed without a trail of destruction behind him.

It’s Tony, like he guessed - hoped - it was.

“Hey,” he greets him, smiling.

Tony looks to him and smiles.

“Hi,” he says, softly. His voice sounds a little hoarse. “You’re wearing the sweater Sharon knitted you,” he says. Bucky chuckles.

“Yeah. It’s comfortable.”

Tony’s smile widens, and he holds Bucky’s hand. He looks - acts - as if he’s about to pull Bucky and lead the way, but then he stops smiling.

He blushes and lets his hand go.

“Sorry,” he mumbles. “I’m just-- it’s a habit I have with people by now--”

Bucky, blushing and unsure of his actions, takes Tony’s hand in his own.

“Don’t worry,” he replies. He squeezes, lightly, Tony’s hand, as an attempt to make Tony understand that it’s okay to hold his hand. “Your hand’s nice to touch, so…”

Tony nods.

Bucky closes the door behind him and, when Tony seems like he won’t, he leads the way himself.

“Your hand is nice to touch too,” Tony says, as they begin to walk down the stairs. Bucky feels a warm sensation in his heart. “How are you?” Tony asks, changing the topic before Bucky has a chance to say ‘thanks’.

“I’m fine,” Bucky answers. “And you? I mean, you look like you had a rough week...”

“Well, I kind of had, but I feel better now,” Tony shrugs. That is, Bucky guesses he shrugs, because he feels a movement while holding Tony’s hand and he’s not looking to him to be sure. “Some things happened and it was too much, so… I coped with them in an unhealthy way.”

Bucky nods.

“I was kind of worried,” he mumbles. “By kind of I mean, like, a lot. About you.”

“You were?” Tony asks him. He sounds shocked. So far, Bucky is not sure Tony’s self-esteem is good. That shouldn’t be allowed. Big assholes like Pierce have good self-esteems, and then someone like Tony doesn’t? That _shouldn’t_ be allowed. It’s unfair.

“Of course I was. You’re my friend. I worry about my friends.”

Tony is quiet, but then, as they approach the end of the stairs, he gets closer to Bucky. Bucky looks to him, hoping to go unnoticed, but Tony is looking to him and smiling and…

It’s just-- it’s a view that brings him such positive feelings, even if behind Tony a neighbor he used to fight with a lot is walking to her apartment, so he smiles back.

“You’re my friend too,” Tony says.

They get out of Bucky’s building. Judging by the weather, it seems like it’ll get colder later. But it’s comfortable enough right now.

//

In the way to Tony’s place, Bucky takes some time to look at what Tony’s wearing.

It’s a sweatshirt. There are two cats curled up together, one being black and the other white. His hoodie has cat ears (it’s very cute). And the pants he’s wearing, they, hum...

They… Value his... thighs. Bucky looks away from Tony’s thighs hoping there’s nothing happening in his body right now because that’d be _really_ embarrassing.

“About the things that happened,” he says, weakly, trying to focus on another thing. “I mean, what happened to you. At least you solved them.”

Tony nods. “For now.”

He frowns.

“For now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “It… it’s a long story. It’s complicated,” he shrugs again. “But long story short, I saw my ex again.”

Bucky remembers of that day at the groceries store, when he and Romanova saw each other again.

An unpleasant experience.

He squeezes Tony’s hand, in an attempt to show him support.

“She was an asshole when you two were together?” he asks.

“Well, she’s actually a he,” Tony corrects him. “But yeah, he was. It’s nothing new, though.”

“That doesn’t means you should have to deal with him,” Bucky says.

Tony lets go of his hand and begins to hold his arm. Bucky looks to him, losing his focus on the anger he just began to feel at whoever that asshole is.

Tony looks ready to say something now, too, but he doesn’t. They stop walking, slowly, and they begin to stare at each other.

If Tony liked him back, Bucky would, without hesitation, without a doubt, without any fear, kiss him right now.

As if time began to pass again - as if he clicked the ‘play’ button in a movie he was watching - Tony shakes his head, then, and goes back to walking, leading Bucky.

“Don’t get angry,” Tony says. It’s a whisper. “He’s not worthy your time.”

“But you are,” it comes out of Bucky’s mouth. Bucky is not sure he’s actually saying it or if it’s just in his head. “And I’m angry on your behalf.”

Tony doesn’t says anything for a while, and when he does, he’s changing the topic to something entirely different.

“So, I was wondering... what do you think about trans people?”

He’s not really sure of what to answer.

“I think trans people are real?” he tries. “I mean, they’re valid. And real. Why?”

“I. Uh. I watched a movie,” Tony says. “And I was wondering about it. I think they’re valid and real too, by the way.”

“Glad we agree on that,” Bucky says. Tony nods. He changes the topic again.

Bucky sees that his cheeks are a bit red, as they’ve been since he said that Tony was worthy his time and that he was angry on his behalf.

So maybe he said something good.

//

They arrive some minutes later. They take the elevator.

“We live in a high floor,” Tony explains. Bucky’s mind focuses on _we_.

“We?”

“Yeah. Nat and I. We live together.”

Oh.

Yeah.

He forgot.

“Is she home?” he asks, nervously.

“She wasn’t when I left,” Tony answers. “Why?”

Bucky crosses his arms. He sighs. More specifically, breathes. More specifically, takes a deep breath. More specifically, tries to not let any negative feelings ruin this-- this thing he’s having with Tony right now.

“We don’t get along,” he says. “We make each other angry, I guess.”

The elevator stops, and the doors open. The hall-way has many door. It looks fancier than the hallways in Bucky’s building. They step out.

“I don’t want to invade your privacy,” Tony says. “So you can tell me to fuck off, if you want to,” they’re walking to the door of his apartment. Bucky is just following. “But why? Steve used to say you two were great together.”

Bucky shrugs.

Yeah. They were. No one really knows about it. To be honest, Bucky’s not even sure that he or Romanova can explain it to anyone.

Maybe she can, though. She was good with her words back then. Knowing exactly what to tell people.

“I’d never tell you to fuck off. She never told you about it?” Bucky asks.

Tony opens the door of his apartment, and they enter.

“I’m not sure she ever told anyone anything,” he answers.

Bucky breathes.

“There’s not much to it,” he says. Looks around. He feels Romanova’s presence everywhere. It makes him feel hotter than he was feeling moments ago, and not in a good way. “It’s just… I wasn’t in a good place some years ago, I guess. We went from talking about marriage in a way that was critical of it - like, you know, talking about how it was just a way to waste money - despite thinking about marrying and wasting money in the future to fighting about everything.”

They’re quiet. Tony pulls the sleeves of his sweatshirt up.

“I know how it is,” he says. “Having a good relationship that turns sour.”

Bucky is not sure of it, but he thinks his arms look thinner than they looked like some time ago.

As always, he looks, but doesn’t asks. He pries, but not so much.

“It sucks,” Tony continues. Bucky agrees. It sucks. Then, Tony asks him, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

He seems uncomfortable - he can’t help but feel like he made Tony uncomfortable, and it’s really not nice, especially since he looked so comfortable some _seconds_ ago.

“I don’t mind,” he answers. “I guessed from what you told me that you hadn’t cooked anything yet, and I’m not hungry.”

“I wish I were you,” Tony sighs. “What do you think about meat?”

“I like it,” he answers. “I don’t mind it if you’re a vegan, though.”

Tony chuckles.

“I’m not,” he says. “I’d be, but food is not really something I like - not as much as other people, at least. It’s kind of,” he shrugs. He has nice looking hands, aside from the fact that they are so nice to touch. “Hard enough to cook and eat what I can find anywhere, so...”

“I get what you’re saying,” Bucky says. He thinks he does. “Need to point out you do like McDonald’s fries, though.”

Tony chuckles, louder, and it’s a really nice sound.

“They don’t count. They’re God’s work, not normal food.”

As Tony cooks, Bucky’s focus goes from how good his hands look when he holds a knife - it’s as, hum, interesting to look as Tony’s thighs are - to his own thoughts.

Romanova is everywhere. He’s not sure why that surprises him, since she lives here.

There are a good amount of pictures of her with Tony.

But that is not _everywhere_.

 _Everywhere_ is the way the apartment looks smaller than it is because there’s a lot - and still, it feels a little empty - of things there. _Everywhere_ are the shirts on the couch. _Everywhere_ is the matryoshka doll Bucky remembers giving her years ago, on top of the coffee table.

Everywhere makes him think of not smiling anymore when she tells him how her day was. Not feeling like he couldn’t wait when she tells him she’s gonna sing, _and you can come if you want to_ , in this bar or in that karaoke.

(“I’m going out with some friends. You can come if you want to. You used to like it when I sang to you.”)

But dealing with Pierce and work was even harder back then, since he wasn’t used to it, and he was always exhausted. And slowly, coming home wasn’t easy anymore because it only would make him more tired. And Bucky’s exhaustion always leads to anger.

Everywhere doesn’t makes him think of _everything_ but it makes him think of enough, at least for today. He takes a deep breath and concentrates on Tony’s hands again.

“It smells great,” he says, as he watches Tony cook.

Tony smiles.

“I hope it tastes great too.”

“I’m sure it will,” he clears his throat. “I’m not sure why, but I didn’t really expected you to know how to cook, by the way.”

“Most people don’t. But I learned it when I was younger,” Tony replies. “My mom worked a lot and my dad wouldn’t cook, so I had to learn.”

It sounds like by younger Tony doesn’t means something like when he was a teen but something like when he was… younger… than a teen. But maybe… maybe Bucky interpreted it wrong.

“I kind of learned to cook for the same reason,” Bucky mumbles, changing the topic. “Except my dad would cook as much as my mom did, but they both worked a lot.”

“I wish I were you,” Tony repeats.

//

Just as Tony is finishing what he is cooking, Romanova enters and Bucky’s bubble of happiness burst.

She and Bucky look at each other, in silence, not really moving.

“I know,” she says, looking to Tony. “you warned me and I said he could come, but I didn't expected to see this anyway.”

Bucky can hear the _I didn't expected_ _to see this outside of my nightmares and in real life_ in her tone. He smiles, overly sweet, to her.

“Natasha,” he greets. “How nice to see you.”

“It’s very nice to see you too, James.”

Her tone and her smile are as sweet as his.

Tony clears his throat.

“Dinner’s ready,” he says.

The food is hot - broccoli and beef and rice.

“I didn’t cooked it for three people, but it’ll have to do,” he says. _Miraculously_ , there’s enough - and a lot - in each plate.

Romanova’s smile is more genuine when she looks to Tony.

The same happens with Bucky’s smile.

(It’s probably childish, but for a moment, he hopes she will just get a plate of food and go to her room. She doesn’t, though.)

They eat, in a silence that is tense, but somehow, it’s oddly comfortable. Bucky ignores the existence of Romanova and she ignores his existence too. They’d never be able to do this if Tony weren't there. Not even for Stevie.

Tony finishes eating some minutes after they do. There is no food left in his plate.

“It’s getting late,” she mumbles.

Bucky nods.

Despite Romanova’s belief, he can actually recognize it when he’s not wanted somewhere.

He feels tempted to stay, but he has made her be polite when she doesn’t wants to for long enough. Plus, he doesn’t wants to get Tony involved if they fight.

“It was a nice dinner,” he tells Tony. “Your food is delicious.”

Tony’s smile is nice in most ways - not so much when it doesn’t looks genuine, though - but this is the nicest smile Bucky has ever seen yet (probably will stop being the nicest as soon as he smiles in a different way again, but right now, it is).

It’s not so wide, neither it’s just a tiny trace in his face. He looks happy, and more than that, comfortable.

“Thanks,” he says. “Nat helps me with it.”

Bucky looks to her, and she looks to Tony - her effort to not look to Bucky is obvious, but it seems as if only he notices it.

He nods and looks back to Tony.

“You’re house-sitting, right?” he asks. Tony blinks, at first not understanding his question, but then he nods, probably remembering what Sharon told him.

“Yeah,” he answers. “Why?”

“I could take you there,” he says. “It _is_ kind of late, after all.”

Tony giggles.

“Thanks for the offer,” he replies. “But I’ll have to decline. Nat already offered to take me there. And she has a car.”

He doesn’t sighs. He also doesn’t looks at Natasha and sees the hint of smugness in the corners of her mouth.

“Well, if it makes you comfortable, it’s okay for me.”

He puts his own plate in the sink, and walks to the door. Tony comes with him.

“Today was,” Bucky begins. He loses himself in the shine of Tony’s brown eyes and the pink of his mouth for some seconds. If he stared for just a little longer, he’s sure that he’d… maybe not kiss him, but get close enough that their noses touch. “Really, really nice.”

“I agree,” Tony replies. “Being with you made me happy. Made me feel better.”

“And you needed that,” not a question. Tony nods. “Well, if that ex-boyfriend of yours ever appears again, you can tell me and I’ll make sure he won’t bother you anymore.”

Tony chuckles.

“If you say so,” he replies, smiling playfully. “But I told you before, don’t bother doing that. He’s an ass, just ignore it.”

Tony hugs him and Bucky hugs him back. There’s a sensation in his cheek that feels like a very light kiss. He blushes.

Natasha takes a deep breath, and he can hear it from where he is. She stands up and disappears into where Bucky assumes is her room.

Bucky looks to her, but shakes his head and decides that he has gave her enough attention for today.

"See you later, Bucky," Tony says.

Bucky kind of wants to smell Tony's hair, but he stops himself from doing that because it'd be weird.

"See you later, Tony."

//

Bucky is walking down the stairs, which he chose to do because he needs time to think or to just _not think_ now that he’s not near Romanova again, when he hears her voice.

Just his luck.

“Barnes,” all the anger - disgust? - that neither she or him would show in front of Tony appears, but it’s just in her tone of voice. Bucky looks to her. She’s holding a leather jacket that is too big for her, and clearly - since she’s taller than Tony - too big for Tony.

She throws him the jacket. He catches.

It’s his jacket. He probably took it off without noticing it. He doesn’t thanks her.

“Don’t catch a cold,” she says. “It’s cold outside, and Tony would get worried about you. He hardly eats when he’s worried.”

He nods. Look at this. They’re being a little civil with each other. Stevie would be proud.

“Forced politeness is not a good look on you,” he mumbles, putting the jacket on.

“Neither on you,” she replies, louder than him. “But it’s what made you stay in Pierce’s good graces, right?”

He begins to feel a mixture of angry and anxiety. This is just like they’re dating again and Pierce comes up after they had a good day and they begin to fight.

Again. He never thought he would feel like that with her again.

“Well, my job happens to depend on that.”

“So you’re still working for him? I don’t know why that surprises me.”

“It pays the fucking bills, so yeah, I do.”

He looks to her and she looks to him. His anger is beginning to grow. He wants to yell and to offend her and he has _lived_ with her long enough to know she wants to do the same. The air around them feels so thick, it begins to intoxicate him and her.

Just like it used to.

But they can’t have a yelling match here. Her neighbors are so much more likely to hear and to care than they were some years ago.

And it would make Tony worried.

She walks down the stairs until she’s near him.

“Whatever,” she says. Her voice is low, and that’s almost _worse_ than a yelling match. “Whatever you want to do with Tony, if you ever yell with him or anything like that because you have no fucking idea of how to deal with your anxiety just like you used to do with me, and because you think you’re too good for therapy, I swear that you will wish you had never met me.”

“Oh, trust me, I already do.”

His heart beats fast and there’s not enough oxygen in his lungs. He’s about to have a panic attack, or already having one. He knows that she’s in the same situation. But god, right now, he can’t bring himself to _care_ for her. For a moment, he thinks they’re about to fight, or maybe that she’s about to throw him down the stairs.

But then she smiles, overly sweet, again.

“It was nice seeing you again,” she says.

Bucky nods.

She walks back to her apartment. He just wants to get out of here as fast as he can.

//

It’s easier to breathe once he’s out of the building, as if there had been toxic air inside. Bucky inhales and exhales the chilly air of the night. He’s so angry he wants to cry.

He walks back home, thinking about today. He doesn’t regrets accepting Tony’s invitation, but god, he wants to-- he wants to  _yell_ until his voice is hoarse. He’s not sure anything else would make him calm.

As soon as he’s back home and inside of his room, he falls on his bed. He goes to sleep sooner - or later, he doesn’t knows - than he usually would.

Natasha’s words keep repeating themselves in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this was good. in other news, i'm hearing saturday night's alright for fighting by elton john and i still think avengers: endgame was a mess and i still want to ignore most of it.
> 
> i love you, reader! thanks for reading! ♥♥♥


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Monday. Pierce makes Bucky angry, Steve overshares, Tony sends Bucky a video of his robot and Rhodes gives Bucky a shovel talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :^)
> 
> different from the last chapter, i managed to write this one quickly. i think that my perfectionism not being as strong with this might've helped.
> 
> how are you guys? i hope you guys are well.
> 
> things are still rough, but they're getting better, i think.
> 
> i hope.
> 
> this has been revised and edited. Hey, Here's A Fun Fact, i revise and edit most of those chapters. i just say i don't because by the time i end i'm a little tired, so i feel like mistakes might've escaped from being noticed by me. and i'm tired today too.
> 
> does anyone knows what a fic needs to be considered a slow bur--
> 
> HEHE no discourse just me slightly oversharing and being annoying in the notes. sorry about that by the way
> 
> now, about the warnings. Trigger Warning for: transphobia and homophobia. if there's anything else that needs a warning, feel free to tell me.
> 
> i hope you guys enjoy this chapter. love you! :^)

Bucky has two new messages when he wakes up.

 _Two_ is subjective. There are a lot of new messages, if he includes the ones from the group chat Sam, Rhodes and him are a part of, but it’d take a few minutes to count every message they have sent each other while he didn’t checked the group, so he’d rather not include them in _new messages_.

(It’s not that Sam and Rhodes are talkative, he thinks. He can’t be sure about Rhodes, since he’s not really more than a friendly acquaintance or an almost friend to him, but Sam has been his friend for long enough that he knows Sam can talk for a long time, especially if the topic he’s talking about is important to him or something that he knows well, and he’s not shy to talk to people, but Bucky can’t see him as _talkative_ , just…

Friendly.)

The messages are from Tony and Stevie.

Tony sending him messages is kind of an important part of his routine now, something that makes his day be brighter, happier. Before they began to talk to each other, Bucky spent most of his free time watching things on Netflix, sleeping or lying in bed, not feeling happy or wanting to do anything but keep there, in his bed.

But Stevie sending him messages is rare. Living together makes it unnecessary, most of the time.

Tony sent him two images.

One of them is a picture of a porcelain doll. The doll’s skin is white, white like a paper sheet, with pink circles (which, he guesses, is her _blush_ ; they might be a light tone of orange, too, Bucky’s not sure) in both of her cheeks. Her eyes are blue, her short curly hair is blond mixed with light brown and her mouth is a vibrant red. She has a pink dress, which looks a bit old, despite not looking dirty.

Bucky thinks that he has never, not since he became an adult, paid so much attention to a doll. He didn’t cared for it or spent minutes staring at it and thinking about its details, but he stared at it for more than a second, which is something unusual for him.

Unusual. A lot of unusual things have happened this year, and it’s only May.

The other image is a picture, too, of the same doll, but it’s not taken from somewhere near it.

_**don’t wanna sleep in sharon’s room for my own reasons, so i’ll have to, like, sleep in the living room. with this doll. you know what. i’m not gonna sleep i’m just going to pray that i’m not going to die for the next hours and drink some coffee** _

Tony had sent that ten minutes before midnight, at 11:50pm.

Bucky is not someone who is easily scared, and he’s not afraid of dolls, but he pities Tony.

And he’ll admit that having to be alone somewhere with a porcelain doll like the one from the picture, all porcelain except for the dress, small but not too small, isn’t something he would want to do.

 _i hope you didn’t die_ , he jokes, _and that you slept, at least a little._

His thumb is hovering above the _send_ button when he decides to type a few more words before sending.

_why does sharon keep that doll in her living room, though? it genuinely makes me think of something from, i don’t know, 1910s. she can’t be a collector, right? i mean, if she were, there would be more. (i guess, not sure)_

He sends it.

Stevie was anxious when he left, so Bucky chooses to stand up and get ready for the day instead of reading his message. Not because he’s not interested, though, but because sometimes he expresses his anxiety through real life and through text in the same way. Long messages. Bucky can be a little bit late, Pierce won’t mind, but he’d like to avoid it if he can.

After eating breakfast, the classic bowl of cereal and milk, and changing his clothes, he reads it.

 _Long, long messages_ , Bucky sighs, scrolling up the chat.

 _ **Okay**_ is how Stevie begins. _**a lot has happened since we’ve arrived here.**_

_**First of all, their home is nice. Really nice. You’d be envious if you were there.** _

_**I told them that their home is nice. They said they cleaned it because of me?? THAT MAKES NO SENSE** _

_**So I told them the thing that anyone should tell the parents of their girlfriend. ‘I’m honored to meet you, ma’am/sir. Sharon told me a lot about both of you’. Then they reply ‘ohh, steve, sharon has told us a lot about you too’ (that was her mother but shh)** _

_**then sharon says that ‘steve’s not only my boyfriend, he’s tony’s friend too!’ and they. bucky, they. like, they were already looking happy, but then they look like they’re shining.** _

_**the thing is, bucky, that they really like him. you’d like to be in my place bc you’d have people who understand you. But that aside I think tony just saved my life** _

_**ok. ok. that’s not all. In fact it’s not even CLOSE to all.** _

_**sharon’s room, and I don’t know why that surprised me, doesn’t looks like a child’s room or a teen’s room?? but it’s lovely bucky I could see both of us there. God I wish I knew her when we were teens** _

Bucky might act like he doesn’t, but he likes to read this. Even if it makes him late.

_**They tell me that we can sleep there** _

_**in her room** _

_**and I get like. Well. Look, I don’t talk about this so much because I just… would rather not talk about it, but you know that doing. The thing. The adult thing. The thing that adults and teens do. That thing. Is not something new for me. Or sharon. And for both of us as a couple.** _

_**Ok it’s a bit new for me because she was my first but you know what I mean.** _

_**I get like ‘shouldn’t we sleep in separated rooms?’ and sharon’s parents. They look at me as if they know what i’m talkin about. sharon’s dad asks ‘will you do anything we should worry about?’ and I think I died a bit there. But I answer ‘NO!!!’ bc WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO HOH M,G OD** _

‘ _ **well, you can do that if you want to. it’s your choice’ says her mom and they’re so? nice? To me? I dont know if I understand it like I wouldnt be nice to my daughter’s boyfriend At All.**_

_**Ok, not like I wouldn’t be nice unless I thought he was treating her badly but you know what I mean about this too right** _

‘ _ **but’ her mom continues ‘we’re not too religious’**_

_**her dad laughs as if he just heard the euphemism of the century. i’m not sure if this means they’re atheists or just… really not strict but whatever it is. i’m thankful for it. I can sleep alone well enough but whenever I have the opportunity I like to be sharon’s little or big spoon. She has nice arms and they make me feel protected, so being her little spoon is really nice and holding her makes me feel strong and like I can protect her.** _

This is fun and, again, Bucky can be a bit late, but he didn’t really needed to know that.

_**And don’t you dare get like ‘ew I didn’t needed to know that!! *vomiting*’ when you read this because you, my friend, have done so MUCH worse with the women you dated.** _

_**So, we continue. They talk to me about a lot of things. We talked about you, by the way, and I told them you’re Tony’s friend too and they said they’d like to meet you one day.** _

_**They showed me some pics of sharon’s childhood and her teenage years. They were cute. But there are two specific pics i’d like to show you** _

After sending that, Stevie sent the pictures he mentioned.

The first picture is of Sharon, he guesses, although she looks different. She looks no more than six years old.

She’s frowning. Her hair is shorter, shoulder-length. She’s wearing a black t-shirt with a drawing of Donald Duck in it, purple shorts and-- _there it is_.

She’s holding the porcelain doll Tony took a picture of.

The second picture makes Bucky’s heart skip a beat.

It’s a picture of Sharon and Tony.

He recognizes Tony, because those are the same smile and the same eyes. His hair is longer, though, and it looks brown, which he hadn’t expected.

He seems like he’s wearing a dark green sweater and he’s hiding the rest of his body behind Sharon. Sharon is smiling, wearing a dark green sweatshirt.

Sharon is taller than him.

_**I thought you’d be interested in the second.** _

Stevie thought that, and he was right. Bucky was. It made him smile.

_**Her father cooked dinner. It was really good. They told me they already like me.** _

_**I’m not sure of what to think about this. You know, i’m not sure they actually like me, or if they’re just being polite. But I feel comfortable and nice with them.** _

_**While I don’t want to be sure only to find out, later, that the contrary is going on, I think that right now i’m not so scared of the fact that they might not like me. i’m scared of the chance i’ll do something wrong and they’ll begin to not like me.** _

_**I just wanted to let you know that i’m fine, that we’ve arrived, that we’re safe, that we weren’t stopped in our way there… and all that. everything’s fine with us.** _

A few minutes after Stevie had sent that, he also sent:

_**OH and sharon and I talked about the child thing and we both agreed that my anxiety was not a trustworthy source.** _

_**We also agreed that we’re gonna plan it before it happens and that, hey, you could be the kid’s uncle. Or godfather. But you’re going to stay away from names, middle-names and you’re in thin ice for nicknames.** _

_**Sorry.** _

_**Don’t be an asshole.** _

He’s a little late, like he guessed he would be, now. Maybe he woke up later than he should or usually would, too. Maybe.

He should go, before he’s really late.

//

Bucky is not as lucky as he was last week and, this time, Pierce chooses to bother him. He was almost getting used to not have to deal with that.

“Barnes,” Pierce smiles. “You’re late.”

He nods. He _is_ late, after all.

“Girlfriend wanted you with her?”

No.

Bucky has no girlfriend.

“Yeah,” he says. “She did.”

Pierce laughs.

Bucky’s already feeling uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here last week.”

“Don’t be,” he replies. He hopes Pierce doesn’t notices the bitterness in what he said.

(Pierce seems like he doesn’t.)

“Well, I’m. Someone from another department needed… advice.”

“Advice?”

There’s no emotion in his voice. Sometimes, Bucky gets too angry by being near Pierce. Sometimes, though, the way he talks and acts is something numb, which only obeys, like a robot.

It's what is happening now.

“Yes,” Pierce answers. “He said his son told him he’s gay.”

He was in a mostly good mood, thinking about Tony and the dinner they had and how, despite Natasha’s presence, it had been enjoyable, but this makes him forget that.

It’s just that Bucky… Bucky knows how Pierce is. He’s a disgusting man in most aspects - no one escapes his words, to be honest. Even if you ignore the prejudiced things he has said and only considers another things, he’s still disgusting and overall someone Bucky would avoid if he could - and his disgust is more of trans people than gay people, but he’s still disgusting and it doesn’t makes him less of an asshole to focus his disgust on a group of people.

He hopes none of his friends think like Pierce in any way.

“His son is gay?” he repeats.

Bucky is _not_ gay. He has felt attracted to women (Natasha, yes, but plenty of other women) in romantic and sexual ways. He has been in love and he, well…

So, not gay. But sometimes he wonders how Pierce would react if he ever found out about Tony.

“Yes,” Pierce answers. “But he said his son is not effeminate, you know, that he’s masculine since he was a kid. Like a normal man.”

When Pierce says something like _being gay is one thing but rejecting biology is another_ he means more than one thing.

He means that he thinks that trans people are unacceptable - even when it’s his way of thinking that’s actually unacceptable; if Bucky didn’t needed this job and if he knew he could do it without any legal consequences, he would punch Pierce, the hardest he could without caring for how old he is (and Bucky can punch really hard), see if he likes it when what he wished would happen to trans people happens to him - more than he thinks that gay people are unacceptable, but he also means that he thinks that you can accept a man if he’s gay but you can’t, in any circumstance, accept that man if he’s feminine.

“So I told him ‘then treat him like he’s normal’.”

Bucky nods, in silence.

He wishes that he didn’t had to work here, that he could work somewhere else - because Pierce… Pierce’s prejudices, they can be quiet, but they can be loud, they can be _violent_ , and Bucky thinks that any form of prejudice is bad but the loud one, the violent one, those make him angry and scared on behalf of the people he knows, people like Sam or Tony or Morita and Falsworth - but he can’t do that, because this is what pays the bills, this is what pays the rent, the taxes, the food. This is what pays everything that they need to pay and if he gets out of this job, man, he and Stevie are going to be homeless.

And they will have to depend on the favors of other people, which will make both of them feel humiliated.

He really hates Pierce.

Before Pierce can continue, there is a sound coming from his phone. The sound that means someone sent him a message.

Suddenly, Bucky is back in his work, back in the world, not concentrated on his anger, despite still feeling it.

“I’m not sure if I ever heard that sound from your phone while you were at work,” Pierce laughed. “Who sent it?”

His heart begins to beat faster. He thinks it’s anxiety. Because what would _Pierce_ think if he saw any conversation Bucky had with one of his friends?

But he has worked here long enough to know that unless you want to make Pierce more curious, it’s better to not avoid replying, to just tell him what he asked you about.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and unblocks it.

The message comes from Tony. It’s what he feared. Pierce can very easily lean, and Bucky’s not sure what he would think.

__**i didn’t died, but that doesn’t means i won’t.  
like, you know how in most horror movies, if the protagonist is murdered, it happens near the end and not in the start?  
thanks for worrying about me tho ♥ and yes, i did sleep.**

_**on why this creepy ass doll is there, as far as i know, it was a gift from her grandmother. but even sharon dislikes it even if she acts like she likes it, because she keeps it there so she won’t notice it as much.** _

“So?” before Bucky’s thoughts can be distracted from this situation, beginning to think of Tony trying to sleep and trying to ignore the doll’s presence in the living room only to stare at it again because of questionable curiosity soon after, Pierce’s voice calls his attention to this situation they’re in. “Who is it?”

Who should Tony be?

He’s a friend. He’s more than a friend, too. More than a crush, maybe.

“It’s,” he tries. “someone I like.”

That answer is honest enough.

Pierce laughs.

“Your girlfriend, then,” he says, and Bucky doesn’t corrects him. He never does. “You know, you can talk to her, I don’t mind. Not with you - you’re like a son to me, the proof that there’s hope for your generation.”

He thinks this is what he has been for Pierce since he began to work here.

He needed money and he had never worked, not for real, before and so many things were happening in his life. Then Pierce appeared and…

Bucky learned how to adapt to him.

He tries to not frown, or take a deep breath, or any other action that could make Pierce think he’s anything but peaceful and content by being near him.

“I,” he might be angry, but he can’t let it show. “I’d rather not do that,” he clears his throat. “That would be disrespectful to my workplace.”

Pierce sighs.

“You see, that’s exactly what I meant. You’re polite to people who are older than you and you’re so correct as a person. There should be more men, more boys like you out there.”

Maybe Pierce is right, at least about that. Maybe there should be more men and boys like him out there. But if that’s true, it’s not in the way Pierce thinks.

Bucky doesn’t knows him, doesn’t knows who he is as a person, doesn’t even knows if he has any prejudices, but he hopes that the boy who told his father he’s gay, the boy Pierce mentioned, will be fine.

//

When he comes home, he’s exhausted and he wants to sleep.

Before he can fall on his bed, though, there’s a sound coming from his phone.

Notifications. To be more specific, notifications of messages.

Three new messages.

They’re from Tony and Steve, like earlier, but one of them is from Rhodes. He opens Tony’s first.

 _ **I was missing someone**_ _**and I thought, hey, why not go and visit him**_

He’s tired and exhausted, so his decisions aren't as logical as they'd be if he were full of energy. In other words, when he reads that, he almost feels jealousy and sadness.

Almost, because he chooses to watch the video Tony sent him together with that message.

“ _Okay_ ,” Tony says. “ _this is my bot, Bucky._ ”

The camera is filming the floor, but he slowly - dramatically, honestly - lifts the camera.

It’s a robot. A robot. A fucking robot.

Tony has told him about this robot before, he thinks.

“ _Bucky, say hi to Dummy_ ,” Tony says. He touches the robot’s, Dummy’s, claw and Dummy closes his claw around Tony’s hand. But Tony doesn’t curses, groans or moves his hand, so Bucky thinks it’s not hurting him. “ _Dummy, your turn. Say hi to Bucky._ ”

The robot beeps.

Tony giggles.

“ _Dummy can react to touch and to voice. In little ways, but he can._ ”

As if to prove Tony’s point, Dummy beeps again.

Tony giggles again.

“ _I can’t take him home with me because the space isn’t big enough, but he’s here_ ,” Bucky is smiling. Tony’s laugh is so nice to hear. And this, this is a robot. A real robot. A real robot, damn. “ _Sometimes I come here when I feel sad and I look or interact with him. He’s the best._ ”

The video ends.

 _ **And**_ , Tony sent after sending the message with the video, _**I’m eating dinner today**_

The picture, sent together with that, is a picture of bow-tie pasta being cooked.

It looks tasty. He tells Tony that.

_It looks good._

_**I hope it also tastes good**_ , Tony replies.

_After eating your food for the first time I bet it is_

Tony sends him a emoji of a smiley face, except it’s blushing. Bucky’s feeling better now.

The other message, from Rhodes, is sent in private.

_**Can I talk to you, Barnes?** _

Bucky is tempted to send _you already are_ , but receiving such a message from Rhodes - who is someone he hasn’t really interacted with that much, and who also is Tony’s best friend - is a bit…

It makes him feel a bit uneasy.

 _Yes_ , he answers, _what’s it?_

__**Not much, don’t worry.  
I was talking with Natasha, you know, Natasha Romanoff. She mentioned you and we talked about you.  
So I wanted to ask you something, if you don’t mind answering it.**

Is he going to die?

 _You can ask me anything you want to_ , he sends.

A few minutes pass before Rhodes replies.

__**She told me you’re really interested on Tony.  
Tony is my best friend, as you probably already know.  
Are you interested on him?**

_Is it that obvious?_

__**Yeah, it is.  
And even if it weren’t, you’d have just made me know it's true with that question.  
I wanted to ask you what are your plans with him.**

He thinks that there’s a chance that Natasha convinced Rhodes to talk about this with him. But Rhodes, as Tony’s best friend, has enough reasons to give Bucky a shovel talk. He doesn’t needs someone to convince him to do it.

It’s just that it seems like something Natasha would do after yesterday. Maybe because she’s worried, but both of them have moments in which they just want someone to agree with them.

The moments in which he wanted to have someone telling him that both of them are guilty, and the fault isn’t entirely his. And she, she probably wants someone to see that he’s not perfect.

But Bucky never thought he was. And he can’t know if that’s what she wants for sure. She’s back to using masks with him, hiding what she genuinely thinks most of the time.

He thinks about what she said.

 _No idea of how to deal with your anxiety_ , _too good for therapy_. It’s not that he thinks she’s right - he might get anxious sometimes, but he’s not like Stevie, so it’s not a big deal, is it? And he doesn’t thinks that he’s too good for therapy, he just doesn’t sees a need for it - but he doesn’t wants to yell with Tony or fight him because of it.

He doesn’t wants their relationship to turn sour. Even if they’re not dating, even if they probably won’t date, Tony _is_ important for him. He brought so much happiness to Bucky’s life in the little time they’ve known each other, a type of happiness that he hadn’t felt for a long time, and he has calmed him down and made him smile in times he’d, without Tony, cry or lie in his bed the whole day.

Each little thing about Tony makes him happy, even if he doesn’t really notices or knows every single thing about him.

Hearing his voice, reading his words, talking to him, seeing him happy… all of those things make him happy, even when he’s exhausted because of his work, like today.

 _I want to be his friend_ , he sends, _I like him. I think of him as a friend. I’d like to continue being his friend._

_**Is that all you want with him?** _

No. It’s not.

Bucky…

Bucky wants more.

He wants to touch Tony’s face, memorizing his features in a physical way. Feel how soft or not his skin is, see how wet his mouth is. He wants to kiss Tony’s forehead. Or his eyelids.

He wants to trace his finger over Tony’s nose. Smell his hair, the way he can only do when they hug, maybe find out what he uses to keep his hair smelling and looking so good. Touch his shoulders and trace them until he’s holding his hands. Slow dance with him to old songs. Dance, not slowly, to songs like Take On Me with him. See how good this thighs look again.

Talk to him, hear him talk, hear him laugh, hear him sing. Hug him. Watch movies with him and read things with him.

Kiss him. Touch their foreheads.

Be the reason behind a bright smile appearing in Tony’s face. Try to protect him. Try to make sure that he won’t cry.

Or, maybe, he thinks with embarrassment, maybe just sit by his side, in silence, not doing anything. Holding or touching his hand.

Just… being there, with Tony, in a happy or peaceful day or after a long day of work.

That would be enough.

But that’s just him, fantasizing, especially since Tony probably wouldn’t want to do most of these, because most of these are things people don’t do unless they’re more than friends.

And it would be unfair, it would be wrong, if he tried to do anything with Tony, because Tony doesn’t likes him that way.

 _I think it is_ , he answers.

_**Well, ok then. I don’t actually believe it but I’ll content myself with that answer for now.** _

_**Look, Barnes. I’ll be honest with you.** _

_**While I’d not hesitate to fight someone who hurt anyone I like, or was unfair to someone, I’m not a fan of fighting. I don’t hesitate to do it, verbally or physically, but it’s not something that I enjoy doing and it’s not something I search for.** _

_**Sam and Tones… both Sam and Tones like you and both of them trust you. I trust Sam’s judgment for most things.** _

_**I try to trust Tones’ judgment too, but I know from experience that he tries to see good in everyone. So sometimes he sees more good in a person than how good they actually are.** _

_**I want to trust you, though. You’ve not given me any reason to not do that yet. Tones likes you a lot and you make him happier and, believe me, healthier. So I hope you’re proud of that.** _

_**If you don’t mind, I want to tell you one or two things.** _

_I don’t mind that._

Healthier? Happier?

Bucky likes to think his self-esteem is not low. He can see how his presence would make someone else, an old friend or a relative, happier and healthier. But Tony… Tony has a lot people in his life, right? Why would Bucky, of all people, be the one that makes him feel the way Bucky himself feels because of Tony?

_Feel free to tell me anything you want to._

_**I’m happy we’re agreeing so far.** _

_Me too._

_**Ok. the thing is, Tones has dated people before. Some of those people were wonderful, like Pepper, who’s a friend of his and of mine until today. But most of them, though, most of them are people I’d rather avoid, because otherwise, i’ll fight with them. I don’t want you to be one of those.** _

_**What makes me specifically worried about this is what happens when Tones lets himself go.** _

_**When Tones lets himself go… when he lets himself fall for someone, he tends to just try to look for the best in them even more than he usually would. I don’t want you to take advantage of this.** _

_**There’s more that I could tell you, but you gotta talk to him to know about it, because it’s not my place to tell you about it.** _

_**In addition to that: respect his choices!** _

_**Don’t treat him badly. And if you ever have a bad day, don’t you dare to take it out of your system by hurting him.** _

_**And whatever you do, whether you confess or not, whether you two begin to date or continue to be just friends…** _

_**be there, when you can.** _

_**You matter for him as a friend.** _

_**That’s not because of attraction. It’s because he likes you.** _

_**So I don’t mind if you choose to date him or anything like that, because that’s your choice and because he likes you.** _

_**Just… don’t hurt him.** _

_**He has had enough assholes treating him as something fun but not thinking of him as an actual person. I really don’t want you to be one of them.** _

Bucky expected a shovel talk.

But he thinks this is the best one anyone has ever given him. The best shovel talk anyone has ever given, maybe.

Who could do that to Tony? He thinks about Tony’s ex, but there have been more, judging by what Rhodes said. Who could do that to _Tony_?

He can’t bring himself to think of any of the shovel talk jokes he was thinking of when Rhodes sent the first message. He’s… emotional. Angry, on Tony’s behalf.

The tone that Rhodes used is not threatening, at least not in the way Bucky interpreted it. It’s hopeful, but wary.

Bucky takes a deep breath.

Rhodes might be seeing something that is not there - the chance that Bucky’s thing with Tony might be mutual - but what he said… it makes Bucky wants to be there, something he already wanted, and it makes him hope that he won’t ever hurt Tony in any way.

 _I was not expecting this_ , he sends Rhodes, once he’s recovered enough of his emotional reaction. _But thank you. I know I’m the one who this was directed to, but I agree with everything you said._

_**you’re welcome.  
Things like that make me want to like you. You seem like a good one.** _

_**And, not as serious, i need to ask you a favor** _

_Ask and you shall receive_

_**Ok** _

_**if sam asks you don’t tell him that I gave you a shovel talk without showing it to him first. He’ll get worried about how I worded it.** _

_Yes, sir, I won’t tell him that, sir._

The third and last message, the one from Stevie, is shorter than the one he sent yesterday.

 _ **i’m exhausted**_ , he says.  
_**All of us went out and ate at a restaurant  
they still like me**_

_**I bet your life is uninteresting now that I’m not there to entertain you with my amazing appearance and handsome personality** _

Bucky smiles.

It takes him a few more seconds to reply, though, because he’s still thinking about what Rhodes sent him.

 _Keep telling yourself that_ , he sends. _And I think you switched words._

He can’t think of any joke about the uninteresting life Stevie thinks he’s living now that he’s not there. Not after that talk.

//

It takes him a while to go to sleep. That means he goes to sleep later than he should, because he talked to Tony for some minutes and to Steve for the same amount of time until both of them went to sleep.

Tony reminded him to eat dinner, which he did, though, and that was good.

Then he checked the group chat. Sam and Rhodes were fighting over how interesting movies about heroes were. One of them thinks it’s a very interesting side of fiction and the other thinks they’re all boring.

(Bucky read the messages they were sending each other, and he’s still not sure of _who_ thinks _what_.)

After he did that, Bucky…

He didn’t talked to anyone. He just lied on his bed, thinking about the shovel talk he received, thinking about what Natasha told him.

He might not agree with her when she talks about his _anxiety_ and the _therapy_ thing, but he can relate to the ‘so you’re still working for him’ part of what she had said, full of anger and disgust and a bit of shock.

Natasha has never liked Pierce.

The first time she expressed her dislike was when Bucky came home too late for the first time. When she asked him where he had been and he answered that Pierce made him stay after work hours so he’d correct a mistake he had committed.

But he told her what the mistake was, and she thought it was too simple for Pierce to do that. She thought Pierce was being a perfectionist, or just wanting to be displeased.

“He can’t do that,” she had said. Her anger was aimed at Pierce, back then. Her anger was on behalf of Bucky, not because of him.

The situation got worse as coming home late became normal, a part of his routine, and not having time or energy to think after or before work became normal for him too.

That was when he started to tell her about Pierce. About the things he said.

“You shouldn’t work for someone like him,” she said. She got really angry over that.

That had been their first fight, somewhat, although they didn’t yelled. And they didn’t kept their voices low.

They just…

Discussed it.

She was right, and he agreed with her, more vocal on his opinions back then, but both of them were younger. They were ingenuous.

Nostalgia is a feeling he’s used to having when he thinks about the past. A little bit of sadness.

Years ago, in this day and in this month, Natasha and him wouldn’t need to think about being civil to each other because that would be natural for them.

They’d tease each other. She’d be singing somewhere and he’d be watching in the crowd, singing together or drunk and laughing.

But that’s the past.

He was in a bad place, back then, when things started going downhill. Pierce and the stress he began to feel because of work and because of Pierce are part of the reason, he thinks.

Bucky has plenty of reasons to not like Pierce. He guesses this is only another reason to dislike him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure what to put here. is anyone ever sure of what to put in the notes?


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's Tuesday and Wednesday are... interesting.
> 
> He writes in his diary about his crush on Tony. He does something he really shouldn't do with his hand. And, hum. He might have a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello.
> 
> I decided to post this chapter today because I felt like not posting it would... just... not help me in any way? It's a bit small. What can I say, I like writing them (never plan how big it is and I just accept the ending result after a while). I've rewrote it two or three times, not sure, and while I'm not entirely happy with it, sometimes you just need to accept what you wrote because it's the best you could do at that moment, right?
> 
> Plus, I felt like not posting it would not help (like I said) because there was a chance I was just going to take longer to post something similar or this because rewriting takes time. Yeah. I could live without being a perfectionist.
> 
> The warnings for this are: implied NSFW themes. exactly what you're thinking. i mean, i don't know what you're thinking, but if you're thinking what i'm thinking, it's exactly what you're thinking. and also, mentioned drinking. but you might already be used to that? Bucky kind of drinks many times, doesn't he. aside from that, the usual: this isn't revised, there might be spelling mistakes, it might not be good. Also, should I change the rating? I'm not sure if I should...
> 
> I might think this because I haven't slept for a while now, am more sleep deprived than Bucky is as we speak, but I think it's funny that I was staring at the notes thinking 'what else to put here' and I just remembered what I was going to say LOL.
> 
> Happy pride month!
> 
> Happy pride month to any lesbian, gay, bi, pan or trans (non-binary, a trans dude or a trans woman!) reader I might have. Also happy pride month to any asexual/aromantic or intersexual reader I might have. Also happy pride month to queer or questioning readers and readers who would rather not label themselves.
> 
> I hope you'll have a bright month.
> 
> And I hope this chapter is enjoyable too.

Understanding how his life turned into what it is today is not an easy thing.

January had looked like the beginning of a normal year, not much different from the past two years. Well. He _thought_ it was going to be a normal year.

Back then, he saved his time and energy for important things. Working, cooking, buying groceries, paying their rent, things like that.

It was the responsible thing to do, as far as he knew. But he missed being able to use his free time to do other things more often.

Stevie helped. To be honest, Bucky wasn’t pleased, but he (sometimes) could recognize it - recognize the fact that he wouldn’t be able to do something by himself – and he let Stevie help him.

Besides responsible things, he used his free time to think. Or drink. Maybe watch something in Netflix, maybe log in Twitter or Instagram if he was in the mood for that. See what his friends have been up to, find out that Morita and Falsworth adopted _another_ cat.

Or maybe he’d go out and try to find a woman to spend the night with. Have a one-night-stand that could last some days, but not more than that.

That was when it happened.

Between the responsible things to do and the other things he did with his free time, he met Tony.

And Tony… Tony was someone entirely new in every way possible.

Bucky thinks that his heart was stolen by Tony on the day they met, stolen by the smile Tony gave him when Bucky asked if he should call him Anthony.

And his life has not been the same since.

In a - very - good way. He is happier now, happier then he had been for years, happier in a way he didn’t thought he’d be, at least not so soon. He had more energy and more motivation too.

Tony made him feel better about life and everything in it.

A **bad** day didn’t meant feeling like it was the end of the world anymore, because Tony was there and Bucky could distract himself by talking to him.

If he had to explain the way that Tony made he feel, one way he could explain it was by saying that it’s not about feeling anything but happiness since he met Tony; it’s about being able to see, to believe in, something other than darkness when he wasn’t happy.

Not about being instantly happy when he had a bad day and talked to Tony, but about being able to smile or laugh in a bad day because of Tony.

( _I think I’m in love_ , he writes in his diary. Delicately, slowly, as if he could destroy what he touched if he were too strong in the way he expressed it.

His handwriting is neutral, neither neat or messy. There is no approval in it, but there is no judgment too.

The diary is similar to a person. But better, in a way. It has no ears, but it can listen better than most people can without making him feel too uncomfortable about it.

And Bucky can reread what he wrote later, judge himself for his ~~crush~~ fixation on John Stamos or for the childish way he wrote when he won a soccer game for the first time.

 _I’m not a boy or a teen anymore, though_ , he continues. _I’m an adult now. I work. I cook for us. I clean the house. More than I did back then._

He pauses, looking at each letter and the words they form in paper. This is bizarre and embarrassing, writing this as if anyone but himself is reading.

And he’s tired, too. Which means that his brain to mouth – brain to fingers in this case - filter isn’t working well. It also means that the part of his brain that considers seriously, even if only for a moment, the possibility that this universe is a simulation has been set free.

He really should go to sleep.

_But I’m in love and it makes me feel like I’m younger. Maybe a bit dumber too._

_I want to date Tony. I want to get to know him. I want to kiss him._

Who even writes about their crush in a diary? Bucky isn’t sure anyone does that in real life. It feels more like a thing limited to Disney movies.

_But I plan to keep quiet about it. I don’t want to make our friendship feel weird, and I don’t want to lose our friendship in case it gets weird._

That’s enough. It should feel like enough. He’s even a little bit relieved for writing this, honestly.

But there’s something missing.

He takes a deep breath. It’s okay. No one will read this.

 _But_ , written with an unsure feeling and slightly shaking fingers, _I’ve been thinking about confessing to him lately._

Once he has written that, he decides that he’ll ignore this diary’s existence - this little bit, specifically - for the rest of, maybe, his life.

//

It’s Wednesday.

To the surprise of exactly no one, he’s talking to Tony.

He won’t risk being late because of that, though, since it’s early. Too early to be awake.

 _tony_ , he types. He’s tired, because he went to sleep too late yesterday and he woke up too early today, but he’s used to that, so he focus on other things. _I need your help._

_**You need me to do something for you?** _

_Yes_

_**Like… a favor?** _

Bucky assumes, from bits of information here and there, that Tony’s not used to being asked favors. He sees his friends - Rhodes, Sharon, Natasha and possibly others he hasn’t met yet - as people who protect Tony in their own way, and for some reason, it includes not asking him for things too often.

Or maybe they just don’t have a reason to do that often. All of those people, even Natasha, are people that he doesn’t knows too well. Natasha, for example, has changed (or at least her masks have changed) and now she’s just somebody he used to know.

_Exactly._

_**I will do anything** _

Bucky giggles.

He can imagine Tony, determined, a different shine in his eyes. Like a cartoon’s character.

_It’s not anything serious._

_**It’s still something you’re asking me to do for you**_ , Tony replies. _**It makes me very happy to know that you trust me, even if it’s for something small and silly.**_

Reading this makes Bucky smile. It’s true. He does trust Tony.

The things that he wouldn’t have enough trust in him to tell him are things that he rarely has enough trust in anyone to tell them. Only his parents.

Or only himself.

 _I trust you more than you think I do_ , he types.

But he erases it. Instead, he jokes _I never said it was something small. I’m between life and death right now._

_**Has anyone ever told you that you have talent for drama?** _

_No._ _But I thank you for recognizing it._

_**Of course I recognize it, you’re awesome at it.  
What do you need?** _

_Your opinion._

**that’s  
that’s not something i’m used to having people ask me  
but i’m willing to give you my opinion on anything. Not sure that it’d help in any way though**

_i’m sure it will_  
I need to eat breakfast but i’m not sure of what to do and i’m hungry (VERY) right now.  
And you’re a good cook

_so_

_can you. I dont know._

_Give me any tip on what to eat?_

_**That’s an unusual question, Mr. Barnes.** _

_**Of course I can.** _

_I’m an unusual man_ , he types. It takes him a few seconds to finish typing it, because he’s trying to remember Tony’s surname. _Mr. Stark._

_**Oh, call me Mr. Carbonell. Mom’s surname is prettier and Mr. Stark is my dad.** _

Carbonell sounds Italian. Bucky never thought Tony would have an Italian surname.

 _As you wish, Mr. Carbonell_ , he sends. _What do you usually eat for breakfast?_

_**Oh, no, you don’t want to eat what I eat. My meals aren’t something you want in your life  
but, on tips… you could eat sunny side up eggs. Maybe with bread. Or maybe scrambled eggs and bread. Easy and quick.** _

_That seems good._

Bucky stares at his phone screen. He shouldn’t even think of it, but it’s too late. He’s already typing.

_Can you guide me to make sure I don’t do anything wrong?_

_**I’m not a good teacher**_ , Tony answers, _**but I can try.**_

//

Tony is a good teacher.

And Bucky really really _really_ likes his voice.

He wouldn’t give up on texting him, but his voice - there’s no comparison, not really.

It makes Bucky a bit uncomfortable.

He feels awkward.

He--

He…

He’s horny, okay? It makes Bucky horny. There it is. The truth. The embarrassing truth.

He can concentrate on his breakfast and on talking to Tony, but once neither are there to distract him because Tony’s showering and Bucky has finished eating, he’s forced to face the truth.

He’s horny.

He feels guilty as he goes to the bathroom (genuinely thinking about showering), but he can’t stay like this.

He goes to work with mixed feelings - guilt because of masturbating, pleased because of thinking of Tony’s voice and happy for being able to hear it. It’s so awkward, in a way nothing like that had ever been for him before. But as long as Tony doesn’t finds out about it, Bucky, well, he’s not entirely sorry.

//

Pierce, in an unbelievable act of kindness and mercy, doesn’t bothers him.

It’s good, but it has been weird to work here because of that. Some days he bothers him, some days he doesn’t. He doesn’t knows when to expect it anymore. Which means getting more angry when it happens.

(Bucky thinks of the gay kid he mentioned and hopes the boy is okay again.)

He’s daydreaming for most of the day. Not about Tony, or about punching Pierce. Just about feeling peace. Maybe a break. A break from work, for some days.

A man can hope.

//

Later, when he goes home, Tony’s telling him to not look down on his own cooking skills.

 _ **You’re an amazing cook**_ , he’s saying. _**I mean it.**_

 _Maybe I am_ , Bucky is replying. _But my food isn’t as good as yours._

It takes Tony a while to reply. By the time he does, Bucky’s inside of his building.

 _ **I’m not sure I ever ate your food**_ , he replies. _**Maybe we can compare. You can cook me something, if you don’t mind, and i’ll let you know if you’re permitted to think my food’s better.**_

_you’re going to permit me anyway. it’s terrible next to yours.  
Something like a dinner? So we’re even, since you invited me to dinner…_

_**that sounds like a plan to me.  
Are you free this Saturday?** _

Bucky stops walking.

His thumbs hover over the letters in his phone’s keyboard.

 _Yep_ , he types. _Saturday’s good._

**Yay  
I have to go now. Nat’s calling me to eat  
but i’ll be waiting anxiously for saturday.**

Bucky sends him _same_ , which makes him think of feeling good. He’s not. He’s really not feeling good about this situation right now.

He’s _not_ feeling good.

Because he has a feeling he just got himself a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> those notes are going to be more personal than related to the story, so feel free to ignore them. i'm just talking to myself honestly.
> 
> me, literally any time i get the opportunity to write 'unusual', 'usual' and 'situation' in any chapter: HEHE
> 
> i've been playing the sims 4 and hearing to the beatles lately. some take on me there and some footlose here and also never gonna give you up. never gonna let you down.
> 
> AND i watched i am mother in netflix and i thought it was pretty awesome. (not gonna lie my head kept thinking something like 'ok, but an au [or an winteriron au] in which tony is daughter'. i just can't help but see marvel au possibilities everywhere ok)
> 
> some ted talks too. netflix added some tearjerkers movies and i might've added one or two to my list. also, me? crying at 1am while watching a movie while my whole family is sleeping? it's more likely than you think.
> 
> well. let's not make this note into a twitter thread because most of this would be better left there. in that cursed site.
> 
> in other words: i'm silly, will i have to write that au myself? and i'm oversharing. i better leave this here. good morning/night!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky tries to not panic, fails, and not-so-patiently waits for Saturday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm tired so i'm just posting this part, and the part 2 of this chapter [next chapter], here. any mistake, simple or terrible, any thing that makes no sense, repeated phrases, anything that you see that looks like shouldn't be here will be edited later.
> 
> guess that the trigger warning for this is a panic attack. anxiety. i think that this establishes bucky's anxiety as a real thing that's more than the normal type of anxiety, so i'll add it to the tags. if there's anything that deserves a trigger warning aside from this, feel free to tell me!

Once, years ago, his mom told him to _breathe_ before he _thought_ \- her voice had been soft, as if she weren't talking to her teenage son but to a much younger version of him.

The softness in her voice was something different than the type of softness that's so usually seen, though. Something firm. Harsh, if you will. And yet, it continued to be soft, like a strong warm embrace that slowly but surely wrapped itself around him.

She held his shoulders, her grip firm but not painful, and positioned herself in front of him, forcing him to look at her. ('To focus on her' may be a more accurate description of it.)

She had held both of his shoulders, a firm but not painful grip, and positioned herself in front of him, forcing him to look at her, to concentrate on her.

“Breathe,” she repeated. He did.

What lead his teenager self to be in this situation, being held by his mom in a way he rarely allowed himself to be held, was anxiety. What lead his teenager self to feel enough anxiety to be in this situation was...

Well. His mom would disagree with him, but he thought that calling it silly was appropriate.

He was anxious because of a date.

It was his first date with Kate, who had been his first girlfriend. He had been crushing on her for a considerate amount of time, so he gathered the courage he had and the courage he didn't have, with a few small bits of his confidence, and told her what he felt.

So, when he asked her if she wanted to go on a date with him and she said yes, he felt like he should do something that would impress her. But wanting to do something nice isn't the same thing as knowing what to do. Or what to wear. Or where to go. It was an overwhelming sensation.

And his mom, of course, had noticed it. Bucky could be hiding his anxiety in the best way he could, but she'd notice it. She always noticed it.

She held his shoulders and told him to breathe, then think.

_Breathe, then think. First thing you gotta do is calm down so you can think straight._

(“Understood?” she asked. He nodded. “Good. Do what I do, okay?”

He nodded again. She inhaled and exhaled, slowly. He tried to do the same thing.

It worked, after one or two minutes.)

“Now that you’re calmer,” she said, releasing her grip on his shoulders. “if what worries you so much is what to do, why don’t you try to think of what she likes? So you can decide what to do based on that.”

It happened years ago, like he said, but he can remember how he felt. And he can remember his mom’s words.

Bucky can’t go to her and ask her to do the same she did that day, since he doesn’t lives near to his family, and he isn’t going to call her to ask for something so silly like dating advice.

So he decides to follow her advice once again - it’s old, and maybe she'd tell him something different today, something that could work better, but there’s a lot of potential in it as it is.

Dating is more of a lucky guess than a stable pattern, anyway.

//

He has an idea, and it’s simple, but it’s effective too. It makes things easier, he won't say it doesn’t, but that isn’t always a bad thing.

Before (it has already began, but he’s trying to focus on something else) the panic and anxiety can begin to torment him, because he isn’t sure of what to cook on Saturday, he talks to Rhodes about it.

_Can I ask you a question? I promise it’s not anything weird._

_**Yes, you can. I’d** _ **_tell you to not worry if it’s weird, but then I remembered that Tony’s the person who’s less likely to think that things are weird, while I’m as likely to think that as the average person is_ **

_I see. I’m not lying though. It won’t be weird. I think_  
_I want to ask you what type of food Tony likes_

Bucky’s sitting in his bed, tapping his foot against the floor.

_**I’m assuming what you want to know is what he likes to eat for dinner?** _

_Yes? It’s, like, exactly what I want to know_

_**Good, I wasn’t wrong then. Not like that’ll help, but thanks** _

Bucky can’t help but wonder what he’s talking about, but he replies _you’re welcome_ anyway.

_**Okay, Tony, what he likes. It‘s harder to think of it to tell you than it usually is. Tony’s taste is constantly changing, constantly evolving as he’d say, so…** _

_**I can tell you what he wouldn’t mind eating for dinner, what he could like to eat for dinner and what he likes** _

He could choose the first. He has a feeling that it could save time or money, maybe both. But this isn’t about time or money - it’s about making Tony feel good. Despite the fact that he has told Bucky that food isn’t really something he likes, Bucky thinks that he could be happier eating something he likes than something he wouldn’t mind eating.

 _Tell me what he likes_ , he sends.

_**Spaghetti. You can’t go bad with that one  
I mean it. If you do buttered spaghetti, he’ll like it. If you put vegetables in it, he’ll like it. Meatballs, chicken... He said it’s because he likes the texture and that it counts more than the taste, but you wouldn’t see him eating it with any type of fish done in any way, so I doubt it. Don’t tell him I said that tho.** _

Bucky wasn’t sure if it was appropriate if him, the soon-to-be host, liked the thought of spaghetti more than the soon-to-be guest could. It’s not a favorite of his, but he has always enjoyed it, since childhood. He hadn’t expected it to be Tony’s favorite food - he understands that it might not be, but from the way Rhodes talks, he thinks it is - but now that he reads and rereads the message Rhodes has sent him, it seems only natural for it to be.

 _Maybe he likes the texture_ , he replies, _but he doesn’t likes fish. But I’ll keep your secret_

After all, Bucky can say that he likes Tony and that Tony has a beautiful smile and that Tony is a good person and a good friend, but not that he cares for the taste more than he cares for the texture. He can say that because he can prove each thing, since he sees it and he feels it, but he doesn’t have the necessary information to judge if Tony’s lying.

Even if he is, he’ll admit that he doesn’t minds.

 _Thank you for your help_ , he continues, before he can forget. _But I admit that I was expecting you to wonder why I sent you this. I think it’s not the type of thing someone just says in the middle of a conversation_

Rhodes replies with a smiley face - an emoji that is laughing so much it’s crying tears of joy.

_**I understand why you wouldn’t expect that, but I’m going to let you know that Tones told me about what you two are going to do this Saturday as soon as you accepted what he suggested** _

_I didn’t expect him to text you about it_

_**He called me, actually. He usually talks to me when he’s excited about something. He can’t stop smiling, too. I’m gonna show you something** _

He sends an image of a chat. The contact name of the person he’s talking to is _Tasha_ , and Bucky guesses that’s the same Natasha that can’t bear to be in the same place as him for too long without fighting him. He’ll admit that he behaves in the same way.

_**Tasha:  
I think that Toni’s talking to Barnes.** _

_Jim:_  
what makes you think that? You can hear Barnes’ voice from wherever you are?

 **Tasha:  
of course it’** **s** **not that. Don’t act like you believe it.  
It’s just that he kept smiling the entire day. He ate and we talked and he didn’t ignore me, but every time he ** **and I were distracted,** **when I looked to him, he was holding his phone and smiling while staring at it.  
I’m still not sure about this, deeply, but lately, every time Toni smiles this way i** **t’** **s because of Barnes**

 _Jim:_  
I see. Well, it wouldn’t surprise me if that was the cause  
Be calm, Tasha. I bet that he’s happy and that things between them are good.

  
**Tasha:  
it’** **s** **not how good things are** **right now** **that worries me, but when things will get bad** **and what will happen then** **.**

Reading this makes him feel as if Natasha expects him to mess up.

Bucky doesn’t thinks that he has never messed up or that there were things he could have done better in their relationship, but is he supposed to feel good about her expecting him to mess up?

The sudden, quiet anger only adds fuel to the panic and anxiety, though, so he tries to breathe, to focus on the text Rhodes has just sent him.

_**as you can see, he gets excited about you. He can’t stop smiling and I don’t know if that extends to right now, when he’s alone, but when he’s with us, we see him smiling at his phone a lot  
this feels a little bit like I’m a relative who thinks that there isn’t any other reason to smile at your phone besides this, but I (and other people) began to assume that he’s talking to you when that happens.** _

_**Sometimes he tells us about it, too, and he barely notices that he’s doing that.** _

Bucky can feel the heat in his cheeks. He’s never sure if his cheeks become pink when that happens, but he’s sure that he can feel the sudden warmness.

It feels weird. The thought that Tony can be so happy because of him doesn’t feels real. He can’t help but wonder, too, if he deserves that. He’s not special.

But - and this isn’t unlikely, he thinks. It’s not wishful thinking - maybe he is. Maybe he is special, in a way, for Tony. If Tony’s happy because of him, maybe Bucky deserves it. As long as he can make him happy, maybe he’s deserving of being the reason of his happiness. Not the sole, of course, but a small cause, quiet, in the corner.

He loves Tony, even if Tony doesn’t love him back, at least not in the same way. Maybe one day he’ll tell him that.

_Then I‘m happy that I make him happy. Who’s ‘we’/’us’, by the way?_

_**Anyone who’s a friend of him, to be honest. Me, Sharon, Tasha, Pepper… the list goes on. He talks to us about you. It’s a little funny, because if you interrupted him, it’d take him some seconds to realize that he was talking about you.** _

Pepper.

Bucky has heard about Pepper before, from Rhodes.

He doesn’t knows who they are, but he doesn’t feel jealous, even when thinking that this is someone who dated Tony and is still a friend of his after they broke up.

For a moment, he feels curious of who that person can be, how they might look and act.

For a moment, an even smaller moment, he wonders how things would have been if he kept being friends with Natasha after their break up.

 _What does Tony says about me?_ , he asks, although it’s more to ensure that he’s not too distracted by his thoughts than because of curiosity or something like that.

 _ **Only the good things**_ , Rhodes answers, _**but sometimes he complains about something like having found a perfectly good rom-com but knowing that you won’t like it.**_

//

Bucky’s phone buzzes on top of the coffee table in the living room. He expected it to be the notification of a message, maybe from Tony, but it’s not - instead, it’s a notification from Instagram.

The notification, more specifically, is ‘ **redbluehoodie** just posted a photo’.

The page loads, showing a picture that was just updated by redbluehoodie. It doesn’t looks important, if you don’t know that redbluehoodie is Stevie’s private Instagram account (his public account, **redbluehood** , is where he posts his drawings, if Bucky’s remembers it correctly).

There are, actually, two pictures. The first is a picture of two people holding hands on top of a small, circular table. The second is a picture of him kissing Sharon’s cheek, and Bucky can see other people sitting behind them. He guesses that the hands in the first picture were Stevie and Sharon’s hands. The place they are in reminds him of a cafe.

Bucky scrolls down the page, delicately, not too quick.

 _I think that not many people know about what I’m about to say_ , is the caption, _but I have a special someone, and her name is Sharon Carter. She’s so pretty and she makes me believe on myself, or in human beings, when I feel like I can not. She’s my friend, but she’s much more than that. I don’t write this in order to introduce her to ‘my world’ because she’s already here and she has been here for some time, but because I felt like today was a good day to let people know about this:  
I have a girlfriend, and I love her very much. I hope she feels the same._

Bucky can almost feel Stevie’s happiness.

There are some people who have already seen Stevie’s post, before he did. He can recognize some of them.

The first comment is by _her_0_ , who he guesses is Sharon, since the comment is a direct reply to Stevie’s post.

_You compliment me way too much love. But I’m happy that I make you feel so good. I also love you very much, as a friend and as a boyfriend. Don’t worry, because I feel the exactly same way you do._

The second comment is by _moonritz_ , who Bucky has seen on Instagram long enough to know that it’s Morita.

_@offjack STEVE IS DATING A GIRL MONTY AND HE LITERALLY ONLY TOLD US NOW ABOUT IT WE WEREN’T THE FIRST TO KNOW ABOUT IT. THE FCKING TRAITOR_

Stevie replies his comment, but it’s not enough to calm Morita down.

Even - and this one, this one he hadn’t expected, he’ll admit - his own sister, Carol (his only sibling that follows him and Stevie in their accounts on Twitter and Instagram, because the age difference between them isn’t too big, and that makes it feels less weird), comments.

_She looks like someone mom would like. You should bring her to meet our family!!! And bring my brother too, because he seems to have forgotten we existed._

Bucky ignores her, but for a moment, he allows himself to agree with the feeling behind his sister’s words, and to think that he does miss them too.

It’s not that long of a moment, however, since the lack of contact - although not caused by any bad feelings, but by just not contacting each other so often - is not one-sided: it’s mutual, and it’s unusual for his parents or siblings to talk to him.

But it’s good to know that Stevie is so happy, and if he ever sees Morita or Falsworth in person, he’ll not have to explain anything unusual in Stevie’s behavior.

//

Stevie talks to him – again - on Friday, at 9pm.

 _ **This week has been incredibly good for me**_ , he sends, _**I almost can’t believe it happened**_

 _I assure you that this week was very real_ , Bucky replies, but he can relate to what Stevie feels, because of Saturday.

Stevie continues, before Bucky can ask him to, ignoring what Bucky sent.

_**Sharon’s parents are very nice people and I’m not sure what my reason to be so scared was. They told me that they can’t wait to see me again and that they’re happy that I’m dating her.** _

Bucky was happy for him. Stevie, far more than him, wanted to please people - not everyone, of course, he couldn’t care less for making someone like a school bully or someone with prejudices happy, but… it was something he truly wanted or felt like he needed to do, especially with people like Sharon’s parents.

_**They said they can see that she loves me and that they can see that I’m a good man, so they trust me. A part of me wishes I could stay here, with them and with her, maybe living together or maybe as their neighbors. But I also want to go back home.** _

_**I guess I might be homesick. Their home is nice but I miss my own. I miss the dust in the corners of our apartment and looking to the shelf and seeing my mother’s books. I miss having to sleep in the same room you do and having to wake up to the ugly thing you call a face** _

_last time I checked_ , Bucky replies, _I was not a mirror_

_**I can’t believe you just called me ugly while I, as the good friend I am, was getting emotional about not being in the same place as you** _

_You treat me like that and expect sympathy? Sorry for ruining your speech but when someone strikes me I strike back. An eye for an eye, you know what they say_

_**no. I don’t. And on treating you like that, IS SAYING THE TRUTH A CRIME NOW?** _

_Yes, if the truth isn’t actually true and the only use of it is to slander someone’s image. I believe the name for that is defamation._

_Anyway, I know how you feel. I have plans, so my mind is occupied, but I miss you too. My week doesn’t feel truly complete without your curiosity over my life here to haunt me._

_**I’m busy too. I don’t know why you assume that I got plenty of free time** _

Stevie is typing, but that doesn’t stops Bucky from replying.

_You are jobless_

_**shut up** _

_**let’s go back to what you said. ‘plans’. what do you mean with that?** _

_That’s only for me and the person I have plans with to know. You don’t get to hear about it or to find out, thank you very much._

_**you’re only making me more curious with that, you know. What do you plan to do? Who do you plan to do it with? You’re going to the bar with Sam or is it something else with someone else?** _

_Stevie, let me quote. ‘That’s only for me and the person I have plans with to know. You don’t get to hear about it or to find out, thank you very much.’  
But if you need to know, I’m going to tell you two things: it’s going to happen before you come back home and it’s related to eating something_

_**Wow, okay. I don’t want to hear about it. You know my only rule, don’t do anything in my bed.** _

If Bucky were younger, maybe fourteen, he wouldn’t understand why Stevie replied him this way. But since he isn’t fourteen (and since his interpretation of things is more mature now), he has to stop himself from smiling, because he knows exactly what Stevie thought.

 _We’ll eat food_ , he replied, _I don’t understand what you have against that._

_**YOU WANT TO MAKE ME NERVOUS???? WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SAID THAT  
But who is that person you’re talking about** _

_I already told you, didn’t I?  
I like to keep my secrets._

_**:/** _

_:)_

//

He tries to not panic on Saturday, reminding himself of what his mom said.

 _Breathe_ \- he inhales and exhales, breathing slow and deep breaths, when the sensation of panic is approaching, trying to think of the way his mom talked when she calmed him down, of how she avoided talking loudly most of the time, of how rough her voice could be.

He tries to think of when he and Stevie were younger, before Mrs. Rogers died. Think of the day she said, “My boy sees you as the older brother he never had,” to him, after he and Stevie had a discussion because of something silly.

He tries to think of Tony and of what makes him  _Tony_ , the way he’s so much more than another person Bucky is falling in love with, from the bits he already knows about him to the many missing pieces of the complex puzzle that he is.

 _Then think –_ and, God, today’s going to be a busy day.

It’s early, because Bucky woke up at the time he usually does, so there’s no need to panic. Yet. Nothing implies that today will go badly in any way, but Tony and his relationship with him is such a delicate matter for him that sometimes Bucky can’t help but feel afraid that a step done in a wrong way can make things weird. It’s the reason behind his avoidance of telling Tony what he feels - knowing that it’s more likely that Tony doesn’t feel the same.

 _ **Good morning**_ , Tony sends at 7am.

 _Good morning_ , Bucky replies. He presses his teeth against his bottom lip, not strong enough to be a bite, just a sensation. Will it be creepy if he asks Tony about today? He should know, judging by the amount of dates he had, but he’s not sure. He hopes it won’t be, since he continues, _we are still eating dinner together today?_

_**It’s what we agreed to do, isn’t it?  
I’ll understand if you want or need to do something else tho.** _

No. Of course not. Impossible. Bucky would give up on today only for a real emergency - he can’t let anything ruin today, not even his panic. Tony is a kind person, isn’t him? If something is less than perfect, he’ll forgive Bucky. Why would he not do that? Well, here goes more minutes of this day spent in stillness while he tries to breathe. God damn it, Barnes, do you _not_ remember what dating is like?

(“I do,” he’d answer his own question, if he could just answer a simple question with a complex answer and not look like he’s overreacting while doing it. This question would be rhetoric too. “but a one-night-stand is a calm process for me, while I’m used to feel panic and anxiety before my dates. Most of them need more attention, focus and care. It’s easier to meet a woman at a bar and spend time with her doing sexual things than it is to open up for criticism, because I might have picked the wrong place or the wrong clothes or done the wrong thing and, in advance, ruined the date.”)

This isn’t a date, he tries to remind himself, but it’s useless at this point. He has been thinking of it as one since Tony suggested doing it.

Now that he thinks about it, Tony was the one who _suggested_ , as in invited him. So, if this were a mutual date and not a one-sided one, it would be Tony who asked him.

He does seem to have as much of experience as Bucky does in dating, though more negative than positive, so it makes sense.

Maybe Tony is used to that.

Maybe not.

Bucky finds out something new about him, but then more questions come to light. Tony is a never-ending mystery.

But Bucky wouldn’t mind studying him as long as he can.

 _No, I’m happy enough with doing this_ , he replies Tony’s message. _I kind of wanted to make sure that you hadn’t forgot about today?_

Tony - Bucky does count the time that passes by, for once - takes a minute to reply.

_**I didn’t, and I won’t. I assure you. To be honest, I think this is a funny question, in a way, because I had been wondering if you had forgot about today, and Rhodey had to reassure me you hadn’t more than once since we agreed to do this.** _

He wouldn’t forget about Tony.

The fact that they were fearing the same thing was a funny coincidence - funny in the way _funny_ things rarely are, in a way that admires the soft weirdness of something, not weird enough to be called weird, but enough to not be completely normal or understandable or usual.

_**My memory can be tricky at times but I wouldn’t forget about something like this. And even if I did** _

He sends a picture of a calendar hanging on the wall. Bucky can see, there, a red circle around the date of today.

_**I marked it on Sharon’s calendar.** _

Wow. Something as silly as eating dinner with Bucky is worthy of being marked on Tony’s (Sharon’s) calendar.

_It was more of a personal fear of mine than anything else, but thank you._

_**You’re welcome**_ , Tony replies, _**I still have some things to do here, but I think I’ll go to your house around 6pm.**_

_**If that’s okay with you, of course. I can go sooner or later.** _

Bucky can do enough things until 6pm. At least, it’s what he thinks.

What he hopes.

_It is._

_**Yay!** _

_**what are we eating today?** _

He smiles.

_It’s a surprise. You can only find out if you see it for yourself_

_**Fuck** _

_**you know how to make people curious** _

_**Well, whatever it is, I bet it’ll be amazing.** _

_You have a lot of hope. I hope I won’t let you down._

_**You won’t**_ , Tony replies, _**trust yourself.  
**_Then, he sends Bucky _**I think you’re a good person, Bucky. You’ve made me happier than I was before meeting you. And I’m grateful for that.**_

It’s unexpected.

The type of unexpected that leaves you staring, not knowing what to say.

A good type of unexpected, judging by what Tony said, but… it was so sudden. Out of place, in a way. Bucky decides to not mind that.

 _Thanks._ Then, _sorry, i’m not good at replying to compliments. But thanks. And I feel the same way about you._

The heart emoji ( _ **♥**_ ) is sent once again. Bucky smiles, and sends it back.

//

The grocery store isn’t far from his house. That’s already a good thing by itself, but today, it‘s even better.

Bucky has planned _it_.

The plan can change, and it’s not great. It’s a _first draft_ type of plan, which means that it’s simple in thought, not detailed, but later (now), when it’s put in action, it might become complicated.

He will buy what he has to buy – everything – for today and he’ll clean the apartment. Then, after he’s finished, he’ll begin to cook dinner. In between that, he will eat an unhealthy lunch (cup noodles) and rest, so he’ll have energy. Maybe take a nap after lunch.

And then, he’s going to take a shower and find good clothes.

It might look simple, but you can’t judge a book for its cover.

He’ll not do that with today.

It’s also necessary to remember that he’ll have short crisis of anxiety through today, and there’s a chance that half of what he planned won’t happen because he took longer than he assumed he would to calm down. And that’s the worst. Not knowing what will happen, but knowing what could happen.

He finds the ingredients for a meaty spaghetti, and he has another _almost_ anxiety crisis in a grocery store full of people. Nice.

He takes a deep breath.

After he pays for what he has bought, he goes back home, holding the plastic bags. He’d be exhausted if this were happening in normal circumstances, but it’s not. He has to clean this place, cook a good spaghetti and shower.

Today is an important day.

After all, he has a date.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony tells Bucky something that he has wanted to tell him for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as said in the last chapter
> 
> i'm tired, really tired, so i'm going to edit both this and the last chapter later.
> 
> on this chapter, specifically,
> 
>  
> 
> so. well. I Regret Nothing
> 
> i'm just going to say: i hope the best man i've ever met, my friend, math, will like this chapter. his approval of this chapter, of course, is very important to me.
> 
> 2019-07-04 -
> 
> I had something in mind to write, but I forgot what it was. As usual.
> 
> However, I looked to the notes and thought 'why not?' - it would not hurt to try to write something.
> 
> To anyone who may be reading this: first of all, hello! I hope that you are having a good morning, afternoon or night.
> 
> If you are reading this, and you continue to like this story after all this time, I think that this could look as if I were about to announce a hiatus or a discontinuation. I am not.
> 
> I am not sure if this is noticeable, but I was - like I am, right now - tired when I posted this chapter. The difference is that I was more tired. So, while the chapter itself may not look like a mess, I think that the notes... well. Let's say they were a little bit messy.
> 
> So here I am.
> 
> This chapter, and what is in it, has been in my mind for a long time.
> 
> I began to consider it around the second or the third. It naturally progressed from something that I considered including in this story to something that, sooner or later, would be included in this story. I do not regret it in any way. I think that may be enough to say in the notes - there is more in the end notes, though, so if you are reading this, please consider reading the end notes too.
> 
> I hope that this chapter is enjoyable.

Pasta or somewhat homemade sauce aren’t things that he cooks often - because of that, he figures out that it’s appropriate to be a little proud of the texture (not too soft, but not too hard) and of how the sauce tastes (great). He doesn’t knows if Tony will like it, and that’s another reason to feel anxiety, but he can try to calm himself down, at least, since the food doesn’t tastes bad and it’s ready.

Cleaning the place, though, now that had been hard. Bucky knew it wouldn’t be easy - when is cleaning ever easy? - but it took longer than he thought it would. Which is not his fault, of course. It’s not like he didn’t clean often, too, but a huge amount of mess always found its way back to the apartment, so it was never truly clean.

But he had done it. No matter how long it took for him to do it, he _had_ done it. As boring as it had been, he wasn’t so anxious anymore.

It was 05:40pm now. Which meant that Tony would be arriving soon. Maybe sooner than he said he would. He could’ve been too anxious and decided to come sooner, or maybe he assumed that Bucky was better at doing _stuff_ than he actually was. There were fourteen billion different possibilities that could happen. Maybe more.

Before more time could pass, he entered the bathroom. For once, he _needed_ a shower.

//

Showering and drying his hair, surprisingly (or not), is not what takes more time. No. What takes him longer to do than showering - which he did in fifteen minutes - is finding something to wear. Maybe he should have done that before he took a shower.

Luckily, Tony is a little late ( _ **Sharon’**_ _ **s**_ _ **calling me**_ , he had sent to Bucky, _**so I’ll take a little longer to arrive because I’**_ _ **l**_ _ **l be talking to her**_ ), so there is a chance that Bucky will manage to pick what clothes to wear before Tony arrives. A chance. Only a chance, though.

He feels like a stereotype - the stereotype of women taking too long to get ready (which is not accurate; while some of his girlfriends took long to get ready, he has dated plenty of women who could get ready to go out faster than he thought it was possible), to be more specific - and it makes him frustrated with himself.

 _This is just us eating dinner at home_ , he tried to tell himself, _not a meeting with the president_.

It didn’t work.

He sighed.

He could think that, hey, at least there were not too many clothes. But it felt overwhelming as it was, so that didn’t help him.

The blue denim jeans are always an easy choice. They go with plenty of things.

But what shirt and shoe - especially shirt - to wear… that was harder.

It was 5:56 when he finally decided on what to wear. In the end, his style kept being simple - a black t-shirt, his second favorite leather jacket (though he wasn’t sure about wearing it, because _spaghetti_ may not be a good match for it) and black sneaker shoes, because nothing else that he had could really match with blue denim jeans, a black t-shirt and a black leather jacket.

Tony arrives just as he’s finishing to put his clothes on. He hears the knock. Even if he hadn’t heard it, Tony sent him a message saying **_i’m here!! :D_** so it’s not like Bucky could escape from facing his anxiety.

It’s going to be okay.

Tony would like the food. Tony would like the place. God, Bucky hoped he would.

When he opens the door, Tony is as pretty as always.

He has a feeling that there is something different about him, somewhere, maybe in his posture, but he continues to be very pretty.

He’s wearing a black leather jacket, too.

Bucky doesn’t knows how to explain why he likes leather jackets so much. They… just look nice to him. And Tony, well, he is already good looking by himself, so this is just unfair.

Tony looks to him, as Bucky is looking to him.

“We are almost wearing matching outfits,” he says. “I hadn’t expected that.”

Bucky’s brain short-circuits, and all the preparation he has done today goes down the drain.

“You look good with leather,” he replies, not really sure of how to speak. Tony smiles, brightly. “I-- I mean-- you look good with a leather jacket. Not like you don’t look good without one, of course--“

Tony giggles.

“I understood,” he says. “Thanks. You look good too.”

Bucky smiles, ignoring his desire to beat himself up for being so idiot in front of Tony.

They’re, like Tony has said, almost wearing matching outfits. Both of them are wearing a blue denim jeans, and a black leather jacket. The difference between them is that Tony is wearing a red sneaker and a white t-shirt with what reminded him of a retro logo of Pepsi.

“I’ve been curious about what you were cooking for some time,” Tony changes the topic, after they stare at each other in silence for a little bit too long. “What are we having for dinner?”

“I think you’ll like to see it more than you’d like to find out from me.”

He doesn’t needs to guide Tony to the kitchen. But he does.

The smile in Tony’s face when he sees the spaghetti, and the way he says ‘I love spaghetti’, well, they are better seen and heard - better experienced - from a close range of view.

//

Until they sit at the coffee table to eat - it wasn’t going to happen, since it’s not like the kitchen table suddenly vanished into thin air, but Tony suggested it and Bucky thought that it was a good choice (even if standing up after eating could be hard) – there’s nothing weird happening.

Or maybe Bucky hadn’t been concentrated, before that.

The food is warm, hot, in his mouth, but it’s not burning. Tony hums as he eats it, the type of sound that you make when you’re eating something that you genuinely like. He doesn’t seems to notice that he’s doing it, though.

Bucky would mention that Tony has been eating things, from what he has seen, in a faster rhythm than before. But he likes to believe that he’s a respectful person more than he’s a curious one. _Faster_ also might not be the right word, since it’s still not as fast as most people eat, but it’s faster than before, and Tony seems to be following - he only has today and their last _thing_ as a base for this theory - the eating rhythm of people around him.

Although he’s still eating, and he doesn’t simply _stare_ at Tony, he… he’s concentrated on him, studying him, trying to remember how he is most of time. He looks _good_ , but _fine_ feels not fully true. And that’s not Bucky’s exhaustion from cooking and cleaning speaking, no.

Tony’s smiling. His small, beautiful, genuine smile. But he’s sitting a little more straight than Bucky can remember him sitting in other days. The difference is small, and it’s probably nothing, just a silly detail, but it’s there.

For a moment he does think of asking, “Hey, Tony,” (aiming for a tone that implies nothing but, maybe, happiness) “is everything okay?” but that feels too… Straightforward. As good as it can be to just say what you want to say, there are some cases in which it might not be the most appropriate thing to do. And he’s not sure that Tony would answer that question. So he tries to be more subtle.

“So,” he says, then clears his throat. “How have you been lately?”

Tony was concentrated on eating, the same way that Bucky is concentrated on him right now - maybe thinking about the texture of the spaghetti, while Bucky is thinking about him and about his posture being slightly different than it usually, at least when he’s comfortable, is - and Bucky feels guilty, even if only a little, since he has interrupted Tony.

Tony looks to him.

“How have _I_ been?” he asks. Bucky nods.

“Yes. You.”

It’s not like he consciously pays attention to the way that Tony behaves, physically or emotionally, when he’s happy. This is more of a shot in the dark, since he can’t say for sure if there actually _is_ something wrong.

“Well,” Tony moves his hands away from his plate, letting the fork fall, and puts them in his lap. Bucky hopes this doesn’t means that he won’t eat anything anymore. “I’m fine, but I might be a little tired. Why do you ask?”

Bucky doesn’t thinks, at least not in the context of their friendship and of today, that _why do you ask_ is, in any way, offensive.

But Tony doesn’t thinks the same.

“Sorry,” he says. “That was rude.”

“It wasn’t,” Bucky replies. “I didn’t think it was, at least.”

Tony smiles. His smile is less genuine. It’s not that it doesn’t looks real, but that it makes Bucky think of sadness.

But maybe, just _maybe_ , there’s nothing bad happening. Maybe Bucky is seeing something that’s not there. Maybe he, and not Tony, is feeling uncomfortable because his normalcy was disrupted - this place is too clean (which is his fault, and he’s aware of that) and he had become used to the mess.

“I...” his mind takes a little, only some seconds, but a little nevertheless, to think of something. “just wanted to know how you are, I guess.”

Not the truth, but it’s believable.

Tony moves. His posture is a little less straight. His smile is a little more… happy might not be the word, but it’s a little less sad.

“I’m fine,” he repeats. There’s a little more of truth in it, too. “What about you?”

Bucky smiles, feeling a little more relieved. He still can’t think that there’s nothing happening, no, but he thinks that Tony isn’t so…

Well. He seems to be feeling a little bit better, that’s what he meant to say.

“I’m fine too,” he says. “But I’m gonna say that, so far, today has been the best day in my week.”

Tony giggles.

“I wish I could say the same,” he replies. “But I’m not sure if that would be the truth. This week has been nicer than last week.”

It’s okay. Bucky is aware that, yes, his life could be worse, but it’s not like it’s _good_ right now.

“You just make my day nicer, I guess,” he says. Tony makes a noise with his mouth that sounds suspiciously like ‘aw’. Bucky blushes. “My week, too.”

Tony’s about to go back to eating the spaghetti, when he blinks.

Then he smiles. Both of them go back to eating the spaghetti. It’s a little bit colder than it was before, now.

//

Until the end of this… thing, this date, Bucky doesn’t necessarily forgets what happened earlier.

Instead, he chooses to accept that whatever Tony was thinking isn’t what he’s thinking about anymore, and that Tony’s feeling better. Which doesn’t excludes that there’s a chance that it’ll come back later.

They haven’t talked about many things, but they’ve talked a lot. About Sharon (Tony told him the story of how he picked up something near the scary porcelain doll that Sharon keeps in her living room, only to forgot he did it later and almost faint when he saw that the doll had moved. While Bucky laughed, Tony told him that both of these things happened in different days, so he can’t be sure if they’re connected), then about Stevie. About Tony re-watching a movie, about a movie that Bucky should watch.

About Tony wanting to read something, which reminded Bucky of Sense and Sensibility, which he lost his desire to read in the end.

“Not all books will be read,” Tony had said, while Bucky laughed. “That’s okay. I’m sure that the book will forgive you.”

They’re in front of the apartment’s door and Tony is about to leave, when what he was thinking about earlier come back. It’s not his posture, but his hesitation to leave, that makes Bucky guess that it might be what’s happening.

“Tony,” now may be the right time to ask if everything is okay. Even if it’s not the right time to do that… “Is everything okay?”

Bucky doesn’t thinks that Tony is as small as he’s looking right now.

“Yeah,” he answers. “I’m just thinking,” he continues. Then he adds, “Sorry.”

The door is a little open. Half of Bucky is expecting to see Tony run or walk away, and this - and whatever that he is thinking about - would end here. Maybe neither of them would mention this moment if that happened, and they’d forget.

But the other half of Bucky is expecting, or at least doesn’t thinks that it’d be appropriate if it didn’t happen, to just… find out, from Tony, what he is talking about, and say something.

It’s when both of those halves think that they might have seen Tony’s eyes, and that they look a bit teary, that he decides to talk.

“You don’t have to tell me sorry,” he says. He can feel his anxiety coming back. The idea of Tony being sad makes him anxious. Sometimes it just makes him sad, but lately, when he’s feeling anxious, it becomes a part of his anxiety. Another thing that causes it. “You don’t have to tell me anything, if it makes you uncomfortable, but I’ve noticed that you look sad. And if it’s okay with you, I’d like to know why.”

“It’s...” Bucky can’t read Tony’s mind, that’s correct, but he can try to guess. And right now, he’s guessing that Tony isn’t sure of what to say. “nothing important,” he says, but that doesn’t seems to be the best way to describe it, since he corrects himself as soon as he says that, “I mean, it is. It’s a bit important to me, but it’s nothing.”

Oh, well. Where to begin? He disagrees with this, but Tony, although hesitating, doesn’t. It has been… not hard to see, that Tony doesn’t thinks highly of himself.

“If it’s important to you,” he replies, “then it _is_ something,” Tony still doesn’t looks too sure. Bucky is almost convinced to let it go, but he decides that he has to try one more time. Just in case this is the type of thing that you _need_ to get out of your mind. “Go on, you can tell me what it is.”

 _If you want to_ refuses to come out of Bucky’s mouth.

Tony takes a while, some seconds, but he sighs and opens the door a little more.

“It… it’s something that I need to tell you. I’ve been meaning to tell you a while after we met for the first time,” that-- that’s a lot of time. What could it possibly be? “It’s something really important to me, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk to me, or see me, anymore after I tell you this.”

He can’t even think of something that Tony could say that could make him react this way. He doesn’t hides this from Tony.

“Tony,” he says, aiming for a soft but firm tone, like the tone his mom used with him when he was panicking. “there’s absolutely nothing that you could tell me that could make me not want talk to you anymore. Especially if it’s something important to you.”

Bucky might be panicking, but he doesn’t necessarily regrets that it’s happening. He might not be the best person when it comes to make someone calm down, but he’s happy, in a way, that this is happening here. What could happen if it were happening when Tony was alone, in Sharon’s apartment?

Tony takes a deep breath.

“I...” Bucky would hold his hand, if he could. If he were sure that this couldn’t, maybe, upset Tony more. He has experience with calming Stevie down, and with calming his siblings down, and maybe some of his _old_ friends, but that’s it. He doesn’t knows how to calm Tony down, because even seeing Tony like this is new to him. Though… he can remember that time, when they were watching Mamma Mia, and Tony cried because it reminded him of his mom. Not fully new, then, but this feels different. Tony takes a step backwards, as if distancing himself from Bucky. “What I need to tell you is that I--” he takes a deep breath, again. “I’m trans.”

Oh.

Bucky isn’t going to lie and say that he saw this coming, because he didn’t. Until it comes out of Tony’s mouth, it’s not even a possibility in his head. But as soon as it does, even if it is unexpected, it doesn’t sounds wrong.

And it doesn’t changes anything. Tony is still Tony. Bucky still likes Tony. Bucky still has no idea of how to tell Tony that.

“I...” he isn’t sure of what to say. He wants to say something - something positive, something genuine, to reassure Tony, but he doesn’t knows what to say. He blinks. Maybe his eyes are a bit teary too (can you cry because of panic?). He isn’t sure if he should say this, but it’s the only thing he can think of. “Tony. I don’t love you any less knowing that.”

Tony is quiet.

Bucky is waiting for him to say something, so he’s quiet too. Both of them are quiet. Almost as if time were frozen - since they’re not moving too.

Tony is the first one to move. It’s not more than a hug. A simple hug. The type of hug that you give when you’re telling someone bye. Something quick. Something easy.

But then, as if he suddenly realized what had happened, Tony’s grip around him tightens, and Bucky can hear him beginning to cry (a little more louder), if he pays attention.

Awkwardly, or delicately, he hugs Tony back, wrapping his arms around Tony’s back.

“I mean it,” he continues. Tony’s shaking. Bucky’s panicking, and not, at the same time. He doesn’t knows how to say this, but he’s able to feel it. “I really mean it, okay?”

Tony nods.

Bucky continues to hold him. Luckily, no neighbors decide to walk in the hall, or go outside, while they’re in this position.

Tony breaks the hug first.

His face is wet and he wipes his cheek with his own hand.

“Sorry,” he says. “I got-- I got emotional over nothing.”

Bucky replies, “That didn’t sound like nothing to me.”

Tony nods.

“What did you say?” he asks. “I… I’m not sure if I heard it correctly.”

“I think you did. But I’ll repeat it, because it’s true. I don’t love you any less knowing that. I don’t love you any less because you’re trans,” he isn’t sure if Tony is like him. If Tony would like to keep the normalcy of things around him, after he talks about something personal. Just in case he is (although Bucky might also need to hear this), Bucky adds, “You continue to be my friend. You continue to be an amazing person. Anyone who would disagree,” and he has a feeling that there have been people in Tony’s life who would disagree with what he is saying, which is terrible, but continues to feel very possible. “is an asshole who doesn’t knows how precious is it that they have you in their life.”

Tony smiles, but he’s still not looking like he believes Bucky.

Bucky points to the couch.

“You can leave if you want to,” he says. “but I think you may need to...” _calm down_ or any other thing he could possibly say feel wrong. It feels too much like he’s telling Tony to _obey_ , and not to choose to stay a little more. “wait a little bit. Just,” does he have tea? His mom used to make him tea when he was a little too old for hugging until he stops crying. “do you like chamomile tea?”

Tony nods.

That’s good.

“Okay,” Bucky hopes that his tone is not commanding. Again, he doesn’t wants to make this seem like an order. There’s a chance that, if he weren’t doing this, things would still be the same - maybe Tony would be happy enough with his words. But he wants to do this. It helps his heartbeat to not be so quick, and it helps his breath to be calmer. “I’ll make you some tea, and you sit, if you want to.”

Tony sits.

He also drinks the tea, and after he finishes it, he says, “That was embarrassing. Sorry.”

He looks tired.

“I’ve already told you,” Bucky smiles to him. “that you don’t have to tell me sorry. It‘s okay, Tony. I don’t mind calming you down,” he says. “It’s my choice to do that - not because I don’t think that you’re able to take care of yourself, of course, but because I care about you.”

After one or two minutes in silence, Tony says, “I-- I’m not even sure why I began to cry. You didn’t even reacted badly. You actually reacted better to hearing that I’m trans than a lot of people have done, and… it’s almost as if _that_ made me cry.”

This is another thing that makes Bucky curious. It’s also another thing that he’ll only find out more about when it’s not weird or insensitive to ask, or if Tony decides to tell him about it.

He might be curious, but his parents taught him to be respectful.

“I’d never react badly to you you, or anyone, coming out, Tony. I don’t mind if you cry because I reacted better than other people did, and I don’t mind if you were afraid of how I was going to react. I understand why that happened. But I’d not do that, not to you and not to anyone.”

Tony nods.

They stay in silence for a few minutes, again. And once again, Tony’s the first to speak.

“I have to go home,” he says. “I’m a little more tired than usual. Guess I shouldn’t have cried so much.”

It comes out of his mouth before he can do something about it.

“You can sleep here if you want to.”

//

He’s still attracted to Tony.

That doesn’t changes, of course.

It’d never change in just one day. And it’d never change because of something like Tony being trans.

But when, some hours later, Tony wakes him up because he has been trying but found out that he can’t sleep alone today, when Bucky accepts to sleep in his own bed with Tony, it’s not with his attraction (it’s not with liking Tony, it’s not with loving Tony) in mind.

Instead, Bucky is thinking about giving Tony all the affection and comfort he clearly deserves, and seems to need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter summary plus the 'Trans Character' tag do give away or, at least, strongly hint at it, that I am talking about Tony, and not a background character. But I choose to not just say it, in case someone did not interpreted it this way and would rather not see any spoilers.
> 
> Tony Stark is trans. In this story, at least. I know that this, alone, is not enough information, so I will - of course - write more focusing on that in the next chapters. But, for once, the reason that it did not came up on this chapter is not that I forgot, but the way that I choose to write this.
> 
> I choose to write an emotional scene. Coming out can be a happy experience and the person who you come out to can react in a good way - there are real life stories about trans people who came out to their family and their family's reaction was love, acceptance and support - and it can be a sad experience, too, with the person who you came out to reacting in a bad way - 'bad' can go from ignorance to kicking you out and more.
> 
> Tony's experiences with coming out have been mixed. Bucky would not be transphobic towards him, and on a conscious level, Tony is aware of that - but he is also afraid. He was ready to end their friendship and to run away from Bucky if Bucky reacted badly, because as much as Tony trusts and likes Bucky (as a friend and as a romantic... connection?), he is afraid. This is not about who Bucky is as a person, but about Tony's experiences as a trans person.
> 
> It is also why he says that he would understand if Bucky choose to stop talking to him - not because Tony thinks, in any way, that he would deserve it as a trans person, but because he is trying to prevent himself from being hurt, in case Bucky did react badly.
> 
> Neither Tony nor Bucky have truly thought about or noticed what happened. Bucky is more focused on calming Tony down than on anything else, and Tony is so ready to not receive a good reaction from Bucky that he is overwhelmed by the way Bucky reacts. Of course, this has also been a source of stress/sadness/anxiety for him, so.
> 
> Aside from an emotional scene - that could not have been emotional and just... happy, had Tony's experiences as a trans person been different - I also wanted to make it feel natural. Not always you know what to say to someone who came out to you, but you still want to show them that you support them. I think that this is all, but I will add more to the notes if I change my mind.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes 'not thinking' allows your true emotions to show. Bucky thinks that's really annoying, since his true emotions might make Tony uncomfortable.
> 
> (If only he knew...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hullo. this isn't revised. i'm a little tired (as always) so any mistake will be edited, but later. i hope people still like this fic. but i'm determined to finish it anyways. buckytony deserves a nice ending, after all.
> 
> the end of this story might be near, but like... maybe it's not. both bucky and tony have a difficulty about saying things that they need to say to each other.
> 
> i think that there are no tw(s) for this chapter, aside from some ~bad~ words. if there's anyone reading this, i hope you'll enjoy reading it. i'll probably rewrite the notes later.
> 
> (changed the summary.)

It's because he's half asleep.

There's no careful and detailed though process behind it, though that might not be a good sign, because it makes the situation that he's in more risky. You (Bucky) wouldn't do this to someone who is your (Bucky’s) friend, you know?

But, as big - scary, powerful - as the sensation of shame can be, for a reason that he doesn't knows, for once it's not more than that.

A discussion takes place in his mind, _don't do this_ against _it'll be fine_ and the winner, unconsciously, is the latter.

Because even if he is ashamed, the fear of making Tony feel uncomfortable, as it usually is, being the motive of his shame, he doesn't stops it.

Tony is behind him, his arm - and he's sleeping, so of course he has no idea of what he's doing - holding Bucky’s waist.

It's an uncomfortable position for Bucky, since he dislikes the feeling of weight above any place of his body when he's in bed and not undressed to a degree, and the fact that the weight is from Tony, unfortunately, doesn't changes much.

But he can ignore it, in a way that he wouldn't be able to ignore if it were any other person behind him.

Anyway. The issue isn't with where Tony’s arm is. The issue is with Bucky’s hand.

He's tracing lines over Tony’s hand with his thumb, stroking it lightly.

The worst thing is that it makes him feel better, as if a single touch given to Tony could fill Bucky with the feeling of peace that he longed for, even if it's something platonic and silly.

But enough is enough, so he forces his own hand (his thumb) to stop.

It refuses to. The stroking does get slower, though, and he's aware that this is the closest he'll get to forcing it to stop.

He goes back to sleep soon after, falling asleep to the sound of Tony’s calm breath.

//

His first thought, when he wakes up again, is predictable.

He touches the side of the bed where Tony was sleeping in, only to realize that it's cold. Logically, because of that, the first thing that he thinks - and this thought has a voice similar to Bucky's - is a name.

 _Tony_.

He replies (it's more of a censorship directed at himself than of a reply)  _shut up_ , in hopes that he'll be a little less pathetic, that his mind will hear him, and  _don't complain about this_.

But for many people, him included, there'll always be this part of the human mind that will refuse to hear reason, searching for the truth in emotion instead - and it's that part of his mind that's thinking of Tony right now. It's annoying.

It makes him tired, to think like this, but it's okay. He's not so tired today. A good night rest has became something rare, something to treasure, for him, so that  _is_ a big deal.

Big enough to make him feel like he can't complain too much, at least. Not today.

Somehow, after a while -  _a while_ might not be the most appropriate measure of time to use in this case. The length of time needed for it to happen was small, not even one minute long - he's thinking of yesterday.

He can remember staring, only for a second, at Tony's face when he woke him up. He looked tired, but that wasn't all.

There was a feeling... something in his face that Bucky couldn't figure out, but it wasn't positive. it was only for a second, but a second was enough for him to feel the need of giving him all the comfort he could.

(But the situation is bad: if Tony's face had been playful, his eyes shining with glee and his lips curved in a mischievous smile, even if he didn't looked tired at all, Bucky would still gladly let him sleep in his bed, together with him. That's how bad it is.)

They fell asleep together. Well. Not exactly together - Bucky fell asleep before Tony, but it was only some seconds before.

He could almost feel part of Tony's tension leaving his body, and remembering that is an automatic key to remembering what even led them to be in that situation in first place.

How long, exactly, has Tony been wishing to tell him this?

Has he tried to tell him before? Is there  _anything_ that Bucky could have done that could have helped Tony to feel safer?

He can't help but wonder.

But it's, putting the questioning that comes with it ( _'could I have helped, if I had done something different?'_ ) aside, a good feeling. He never realized, or even thought, that someone would trust him enough to come out to him. Much less Tony.

It's not like it never happened. Sam came out as pansexual to him. Morita and Falsworth told him that they were dating. Hearing 'you're the most straight guy both of us have ever seen, but you're, like, the first one to know about this' made him really happy when he was a teen, but it's still hard to believe, for some reason.

Bucky was never prejudiced, even if he might have been a little ignorant in the past, but... him?

Is it a small thing?

Sam has said that coming out is an act of hope and necessity. That it's important. The text is a little old and Sam has probably changes his mind about a good amount of it, but he said that coming out is, ultimately, an act of trust.

_If someone comes out to you, it's likely that they're doing it because they want to share who they are with you, because they trust that you won't react violently, even if they are a little afraid of your reaction._

He has never even thought about this before.

Is it an act of trust for Tony?

Did he came out because he trusted Bucky? Bucky has so many questions about this, including 'am I being insensitive for having for having so many questions about this?'. They don't stop coming.

He's still not 100% sure about what Tony meant, either.

His first assumption was that he meant that he was a trans man, but now that he's actually thinking about it, he could have meant something different. He could have meant that he was a trans woman, or that he was a non-binary person.

But Tony is still Tony, and Bucky did mean it when he told Tony that he'll love him no matter what.

 _Maybe_ , a suggestion comes to his mind. It's back to Stevie's voice.  _maybe, just maybe, you should talk to Tony about this. Ask him about it instead of assuming things. Ask him so that you won't assume something and then make Tony uncomfortable when you could have avoided that by asking him._

Before he can think a little more about this, a buzz from his phone distracts him from his thoughts. It's only one - the sound of a notification, the notification of a message.

He moves a little closer to his dresser, where his phone is, on top of it. He picks it up. It's a message - like he assumed it was - sent to him by Rhodes.

 ** _so_** , is the start,  ** _i've been told that tones came out to you_**

 _yes_ , Bucky replies,  _he did_ _._

**_and i've been told that you didn't reacted in a bad way_ **

_i believe i didn't. react in a bad way._

_**i'm happy about that. like i've said, you were a good man.** _

Bucky suddenly tries to remember if he saw Tony use his phone yesterday. After he came out to him. Maybe...

 _i'm curious to how you found out about this_ , he types.

**_he just told me about it. Like, not too long ago_ **

**_anyway. I just wanted to tell you that it makes me very relieved to know that i was right when i thought you were a good one_ **

A part of Bucky is tempted to reply 'you have no evidence about this'. Not because he'd hurt Tony, but because he's afraid that he could.

He's afraid that he's not the perfect boyfriend - in a universe where Tony would like him so much - that Rhodes is thinking of him as. Isn't him Natasha's friend? Hasn't he found out how she felt about him?

The thought scares Bucky. A little. He hadn't realized this too, but what Natasha said is still in his mind, hiding between other things. He doesn't wants to believe on the version of him that she created, and that's easy to do most of the time (he _was_ in this relationship: he can remember with clarity that he was also hurt by it) but it doesn't sounds so impossible to think that, sooner or later, he could (would) hurt Tony.

A smaller part of him is tempted to reply 'that's an exaggeration, I'm simply not an asshole'.

In the end, his reply is  _thank you. i'm happy that i haven't disappointed you_.

He's now wondering - hoping - if, maybe, Tony's still here. It'd make sense if he is, because it's a little too early. But maybe he's not.

Rhodes replies  ** _i'm happy that you haven't disappointed me too_** and neither of them sends anything else. He puts the phone back on the top of his dresser.

Standing up, he goes to the kitchen, his mind busy with the thought of breakfast.

The way that he opens the door of the bedroom is delicate. A simple movement, like early, done without much thinking behind it. But it's really good thing that he decided to do it, he realizes as soon as he's outside of his room.

He can hear the noise of cooking, the food in its process of getting ready, and he can see Tony in all of his - he's not sure if he can use 'he' and 'him' when referring to Tony. He makes a mental note to ask Tony about this when he can - glory.

Tony is barefoot.

His curiosity has no time to grow, because a quick look around is enough to let Bucky know that Tony's red sneakers are near the couch, his leather jacket being on top of it.

So he looks back to Tony. Now that he's actually staring at him, the  _how can a human being be so pretty_ fog gone from his mind, Bucky notices his thin arms.

The shirt that he's wearing is nice. It looks good on him, together with the leather jacket, but without it, it's a little...

Too big for his body.

 _That's enough attention gives to someone's body_ , the Stevie in his mind scolds him.  _Yes, sir_ , Bucky agrees.

Tony is humming to a song that Bucky doesn't recognizes. Maybe he's bored. Bucky is thinking of a good way to let Tony know that he's awake and out of the bedroom, but before he can figure out how to do it, Tony turns around.

The humming stops. That's sad. He wants to tell Tony that there's no reason to be embarrassed about this,  _especially when you have a nice voice like you do_ , but it's okay, because even if the humming stops there's a smile in Tony's face.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," Bucky replies, smiling too. This is another movement done without thinking; seeing Tony feeling well is more than enough to make him smile, even if he's not bursting with joy.

"So—" both him and Tony say, at the same time, and something about it is funny to both of them. The glass of tension caused by yesterday, the one that was surrounding them, cracks.

And even if it doesn't, there's a small crack on it because of this moment.

(Sometimes a small crack is enough to crack it all.)

When Tony giggles, Bucky imitates him. Tony’s laugh is weak at the start, but it becomes loud and lovely (it'd be lovely anyway) very soon.

Bucky will never be tired of hearing this sound: it's full of life, even at its simple form. He can't help but sigh, the type of sigh that you only see in TV series or in movies, when - typically a young girl - someone’s situation, as in just how much in love with someone else they are, is really bad.

Well. He guesses that it's truly of no use. He can't deny it anymore. He's in love.

“So,” Tony's the first one to actually say something, as he turns back to the oven. “I hope that you don't mind me using your oven.”

“I don't,” he does consider replying with a question, asking _why would I mind that?_ , but he decides to not do it. He has a feeling that Tony is still tense from yesterday, so he'd like to avoid doing anything that could cause him to feel worse, even if it's not necessarily something negative. “The only thing in this house that I'd recommend you to not use is my toothbrush, because I don't think you'd enjoy doing that. But feel free to cook something for yourself.”

“Ah,” Tony’s voice formulates a not-happy noise. Bucky isn't sure of how to explain it. It's not necessarily sad, or tense, but it's something other than happy. “I was cooking this for you, actually, but I could eat together with you. If you are not bothered with that.”

“Of course I'm not,” he replies. He approaches Tony.

There are eggs and tomatoes.

He's a little behind Tony, and a little besides him. His arms are tempted to reach, but he wouldn't do that, of course. Bucky’s heart wishes it could tell Tony about how precious his presence in Bucky's life is. “You've never bothered me. Besides, this is looking far more healthy than what I normally eat for breakfast.”

Tony turns his head to look at Bucky, his eyes narrowed and his mouth in a thin line. But Bucky can see -  feel - the playful energy in them, so his smile only widens.

His eyes are back to what he's cooking. Bucky walks one or two steps to his side, leaning, holding the counter.

The silence doesn't lasts long.

“Bucky,” Tony mumbles.

“Yes?” he replies.

“About yesterday,” Tony continues. _What about yesterday?_ , Bucky blinks. “I'm sorry about asking to sleep with you. That must've been weird for you.”

Weird?

No, it wasn't weird. Not at all.

(It'd be weird if Bucky had gotten a boner, but the thought, alone, makes him blush.)

“It's okay. You don't have to… ask for my forgiveness, for anything - and I mean anything - that happened between yesterday and today,” and he hopes that this won't make his feelings for Tony too obvious, but it's for the best, to hell with the fear of exposing something he'd rather not expose. “Besides, it wasn't weird to sleep with you. It was…” way too good. “comfortable. I mean, I thought it was comfortable. I don't think that doing these things with you is weird.”

There is doubt in Tony’s eyes when he gives Bucky a quick look.

It makes him a little frustrated - but not because of Tony. He… well, he just wishes that Tony’s self-esteem were a little bit better, that he could believe, that he could _feel_ how wonderful he is to Bucky. But his doubt isn't offensive. And Bucky is aware that he's not doing this because of lack of trust, either.

Again, Bucky can't help but wonder why someone like Tony would have such a low self-esteem when people like Pierce are right there, having the best time of their lives.

“I swear.”

Tony gives him a small smile.

“Alright, then,” he replies. “I believe you.”

And Bucky smiles to him. He smiles because the smell of the food is good. He smiles because Tony is smiling, and Tony’s smile is worthy of thousand suns.

//

What Tony cooked tastes as good as it smelled. The scrambled egg - was it because of the texture? - alone could make Bucky cry. He was so used to eating omelets and not any other type of thing that he had almost forgotten what it was like to eat something else done with eggs.

The tomato was also very good.

His stomach is full, the plates are in the kitchen sink and Tony ate together with him.

(“You know,” he said, a little uneducated, not having finished to eat before opening his mouth. Tony didn't seem to mind it, though. “you cook really well.”

“I don't,” was the reply he got.

“You do,” he insisted. “I mean it.”

Tony gave him a tiny smile. Bucky didn't expect him to do it - he was used to a little more of resistance from Tony when he complimented something he did.

“I don't think that my cooking is something other than acceptable,” Tony said, his left hand in his cheek, his right arm in the table. He looked far more relaxed than he did barely hours ago. “But I trust your judgment, so I guess I'll have no choice but to accept your opinion. Even if I don't agree with it.”

There was something - the atmosphere, the way Tony seemed to feel, the way Bucky felt - really special about that moment, even if it was just a simple talk between two people after breakfast.)

Now, a few minutes later, both of them are sitting in the couch. Tony is typing something in his phone. Bucky has a feeling that he's talking to Rhodes. It would make sense, since Rhodes did say that Tony shared things with him.

But that is the case when Tony is happy. When the thing that he was sharing with Rhodes was nice. At least it's what Bucky interpreted from what Rhodes told him. The point is, Bucky isn't sure if Tony has talked to him about yesterday as a whole. Maybe yesterday wasn't a happy day for him.

Bucky, meanwhile, is sitting away from him, so he can give him plenty of space - Tony's sitting with both of his legs in the couch, more because Bucky insisted he did it when he seemed to want to do it but wasn't sure if it'd be appropriate to do it.

Bucky has logged in Twitter on his own phone - it's almost six o’clock and Sam is already awake, but it's good to see that instead of having to deal with an asshole so early he's talking about re-watching and re-reading series that he used to like, mentioning the possibility of rereading Harry Potter at some point.

That's when Tony’s voice, a voice that Bucky will never feel bothered by, distracts Bucky of what is happening on social media.

“I…” is the small way that he begins. Not unsure, but small. Bucky moves his eyes to stare at Tony. He can see, from where he is, that Tony is putting his phone down, near his right leg. He straightens his posture.

Bucky does consider doing the same, but he chooses to not, at least not now, because for some reason it makes him think that Tony may feel overwhelmed if he does.

“About yesterday - I suppose I should've been a little bit clearer when I told you I was trans.”

Bucky doesn't disagrees, even though he's tempted to.

The temptation comes from beginning to get used to Tony’s low self-esteem, in a way.

He's beginning to get used to the way that his mouth curves around the sharp words directed at himself that comes out of it. The temptation of disagreeing, to be more specific, is caused by assuming that this is connected to it.

But he doesn't disagrees with Tony, verbally: he must hear what he has to say before he does that. After all, he can assume things, but he'll only know if this is an expression of low self-esteem or not after he has heard what Tony has to say.

Like he always is about this type of thing, he isn't sure of what to say, so he gives a weak nod. Nothing firm, just something that can let Tony know that he's paying attention to what Tony is saying.

Tony’s hands, in his lap, are beautiful. He likes them.

“Have…” it's still small. Bucky has a feeling that they are different, lately. Smaller. Both of them. Bucky is tired, and Tony is too. “have you ever heard of non-binary people?”

Yes.

Bucky has.

He thinks, he isn't sure, because his memory can be _not so good_ at times, but he thinks that he first heard of non-binary people through Sam, back when he used Twitter a little bit more. Sam had retweeted a thread of someone who was non-binary themselves, explaining non-binary identities.

It was enlightening, though Bucky wasn't sure if he had ever met someone who was non-binary in person.

“Yes, I have,” he answers. “I've heard that it's an umbrella term.”

“It is. Some people only use ‘non-binary’ as a label to their gender, though,” Tony moved, only a little, but Bucky was trying his best to pay attention, so he ended up noticing it. “And I, you know,” he sighed. “I choose to not label myself when I can, sexuality and gender wise, but ‘non-binary’ does a good job as a label. For me. For my gender.”

Yesterday, when Tony came out to him, Bucky hadn't been expecting it. Right now, this is less surprising.

Well. Not sure if he had ever met someone who was non-binary in person, is that what he thought? Now he can be sure.

“You're non-binary,” it's not a question, of course.

“Yes,” Tony nods. “I am.”

Bucky would like to tell Tony that his smile continued to be lovely, no matter what his gender was.

“Alright,” Bucky smiles. “Should I use other pronouns? With you?”

The tension around them dissipates. Bucky is aware that coming out as a trans person, by itself, is scary - but he has heard (read is a more fitting term) about how it was like to come out as non-binary from non-binary people themselves, so he's also aware that there can be an additional layer of fear, since it's out of what many spaces consider the only real thing, which is the gender binary.

“If you want to,” Tony answers, shrugging. “You can use other pronouns with me if you want to, but it's okay if you continue to use ‘he’ and ‘him’ with me. I… well, if I had to define my identity as something, it'd be something that is mostly masculine - but not in the same way that you or Steve live as men. It's something… different than that. Does that makes sense?”

“Yes,” Bucky smiles. “It does.”

Tony smiles, too.

“You can call me in any way you want to, but if you keep calling me _he_ and _him_ I won't be bothered by it,” Bucky is relieved. He was afraid that he had made Tony unhappy all this time. “Just don't call me Anthony.”

“I won't,” Bucky agrees. He isn't sure if he should use that term, 'agrees'. Using a trans person's deadname isn't something that you can choose to agree with or not. The question, though, comes out of his mouth before he can stop it. “So that's your deadname?”

Before Bucky can feel guilty about it, Tony shakes his head, then continues.

“Depending on the way that you look at it, yes. It's the name in my birth certificate, but no, I don't feel dysphoric because of it,” Tony answers. “I just… would rather avoid it. It's what my mother used to call me. All the time. Sorry, it has nothing to do with what we're talking about, but I thought that it'd be good to mention it right now.”

“There's no need to say sorry,” Bucky replies. “I'm still not going to call you by… well, not sure if you'd agree with me calling it your deadname, but I'm still not going to call you by it.”

“Good. Keep using Tony in any form that you want to and you'll be fine,” Tony’s smile is really bright when he is genuinely happy. It's something that's amazing to see. It's amazing to look at it. “But thank you.”

Bucky can see -  _see_ -Tony’s relief. It's written all over his face, all over his body.

“You're welcome,” he replies. “But you don't have to thank me.”

“Yes,” Tony says. “But I wanted to.”

He really fucking hopes that his face is not getting red right now.

That aside, he gives Tony a bright smile. It's really nice to see this. Tony is beautiful in any way, but when he's not tense, even if he's not bursting of happiness, there's something special in his eyes. It's something that Bucky loves to see.

“If you wanted to,” Bucky replies. “I suppose it's okay, then.”

A weight has been lifted from Tony’s shoulders. It's visible in his posture and in his face.

Weirdly enough, Bucky can feel his own heart being a little bit lighter than it was barely a second ago, too.

//

They've moved. Neither of them noticed it, that is, until Tony’s feet were in Bucky’s lap and Bucky’s right hand was tapping softly against them. (A thoughtless movement.) His left hand held his phone and his mind was in a blank slate as Tony showed him one of his favorite songs, which happened to be an Elvis Presley song.

Bucky is humming to _Can’t Help Falling In Love_. The song has played for two minutes, he thinks, and he has looked in Tony’s direction some times, with the song in the background.

Tony, who smiles and blushes and makes Bucky smile and blush too.

It's almost as if there were a message lying underneath this moment - something that Tony can't say and that Bucky can't understand. Not yet.

Bucky is hearing something besides the song, though. It comes from outside of the apartment. A familiar laugh, but he isn't actually sure who the person laughing is.

Tony can hear it too. But he, not like Bucky, recognizes it.

“That's,” he turns his head to the door, phone in his lap, one foot moving away from Bucky’s lap. “Sharon.”

“Are you sure?” Bucky asks.

It's not that he doesn't wants to see Sharon or Stevie, if Tony is correct. He does want to see them. But… he supposes he wanted to spend more time alone with Tony.

“Her laugh has been the same since she was a child,” Tony answers. “So I'm almost sure, though I don't know why she'd be here.”

A silly joke comes to his mind. _Maybe she found out that you slept here and came to pick you up and take you back home_. Luckily for Bucky, he's good at ignoring his own mind.

Sometimes.

“Well,” but… if he had said it, and the joke made Tony smile, that'd be priceless. Not like it would - it wasn't even good. “if I'm remembering it correctly, when Stevie went to her parents’ home with her, he told me that he'd come back either yesterday or today.”

Tony smiles.

“She's back, then. I'm so fucking relieved to know that I won't have to sleep in the same house as her doll anymore.”

Yeah.

Most of the time, Bucky doesn't thinks about the doll - he has no reason to, in the end - but when he does… he isn't saying that he believed that an object could be haunted, but, well, he does trust Tony. If Tony told him the doll is haunted, Bucky would believe him.

To be honest, even if someone else told him that, the doll _does_ look weird.

The door is opened.

Stevie comes inside, holding his bag, and Sharon comes along with him.

“Bucky,” Stevie’s voice is, seemingly, tired. He does look a little exhausted because of the trip. “I missed you.”

Bucky recognizes the hint of a hug in the way that Stevie’s body moves. Tony takes his feet from his lap before Bucky can delicately move them. So he moves, standing up and walking in Stevie’s direction.

Stevie tightens his arms around Bucky, when he's close enough to do that.

“I'm not saying that I missed you,” Bucky replies. “But I might have missed your constant presence here and I might have missed you annoying me.”

Besides them, Sharon’s voice can be heard, softly calling Tony.

That's when Stevie notices that Tony is here.

Letting go of Bucky, he stares at Tony, giving him a smile.

“Tony,” but he's a little shocked, and Bucky can recognize it in his voice. “I hadn't expected to see you here. Sharon told me you were house-sitting for her.”

Tony smiles.

“She didn't lie,” he replies. “I was. I just… well… yesterday…”

He notices that Tony doesn't knows how to explain yesterday. Neither does Bucky, if he has to be honest, but he tries to do it for him.

“He slept here,” it's an easy and simple explanation. Stevie’s eyes are widening, his mouth slightly open, too.

“Yeah,” Tony blushes, caressing his own neck. “I did. I hadn't - we hadn't - planned to do this, of course, but when I realized it, it was kind of late. So Bucky said that I could sleep here. So I did. His bed is surprisingly comfortable for two people.”

Tony doesn't seems to notice that he said the last part out-loud.

Sharon is nodding, her hand caressing Tony’s inner arm, but she doesn't gives it much attention.

Bucky doesn't needs to look at Stevie to know that he did notice what Tony said.

Sharon begins to talk to Tony - she is telling him about what her parents have said, something related to him, and something funny that Stevie did last night.

And it's so quick, the way that Tony puts his shoes on, the way that Sharon picks Tony’s jacket up. And then, they leave.

“Tony,” Stevie mumbles, after the door is closed by Sharon, who is telling Tony that _my doll is very normal, thank you very much, and she's a gift, so no, I'm not going to throw her out_ while Tony is complaining about how it felt to sleep in the same place as the doll, _I swear, Sharon, there's a demon inside of it, it can't be ‘just a doll’_. “You slept with Tony.”

“Yes,” Bucky answers, because it's the truth. He did sleep with Tony. “I did.”

“In the same bed?”

“Yes,” and he's fine with what Stevie is implying, until Stevie begins to smile when Bucky answers that question with an yes. He had almost forgotten how it felt to deal with this. “Not-- not like-- not in the way that you think. He woke me up in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep alone.”

“I never said that you had another reason to do that,” Stevie should apply for a role. The role of the cat in Alice in the Wonderland, because, good lord, the way that he's smiling is very similar to the cat’s smile. “So Tony was the person that you were going to eat dinner with.”

“He was. But don't look at me like this-- it wasn't a date, okay? And it was only friendly, not romantic in any way.”

“Not romantic in any way? I could hear an Elvis Presley song from outside, but okay. If you say so.”

“That was just Tony showing me a song that he likes.”

“I'm not saying that it was something else, you know, but maybe you should begin to pay attention to the way that Tony stares at you. You might learn something if you do that.”

Bucky stares at Stevie’s face, frowning. He's tempted to ask him _what the fuck is that supposed to mean_ , but his heart is lighter. He has missed Stevie.

“So, was it a date?”

 _Haven't you just asked me that?_ , he thinks. He's about to answer that no, it wasn't, but for some reason, he chooses to answer in a more honest way.

“I think that I could call it that. I, well, I have called it that in thought. But it wasn't. Because he didn't think of it as one.”

A sigh comes out of Stevie’s mouth.

“I forgot how it was,” he says. “Living with you,” he drops the bag in the floor, walking to the kitchen. “I need to become used to it again,” there is a thin line in his mouth. “And, my God, this place is way too clean.”

“Are you seriously complaining about that?”

“You made the place unrecognizable while I was out, so I think that I can complain. Shut up.”

“You can't complain about it. Your mother used to say that she liked to keep the place clean because she assumed it'd be better for your health.”

“My mom might've been correct, but the mess in this place has never killed me, has it? And, Bucky, you never--” then Bucky’s worst nightmare becomes real: Steve pauses, mid-phrase. “--oh my God.”

“What?”

“You-- you cleaned this place _because_ of Tony.”

“So?”

“You cleaned this place. I--” Stevie’s mouth opens and closes a few times. “--look, I am going to eat breakfast.”

Stevie moves, changing his focus from Bucky to making a bowl of cereal.

(Bucky feels a little guilty for not having kept anything from the breakfast that Tony made for him. It tasted really good. But he won't mention it to Stevie, because otherwise, Stevie is going to annoy him about it too.)

Sighing, Bucky's about to walk back to his room when, once again, a thoughtless something changes his plans.

It's a thoughtless look around the living room/kitchen/dinner room. But it makes him notice something. Something that's not supposed to be here.

A phone, on the couch.

And it's not Bucky’s phone. He's aware of what his own phone looks like - besides, it's in his pocket right now. So this isn't his phone.

It's Tony’s.

Tony…

Tony has just forgotten his phone in Bucky’s house.

And Bucky, unfortunately, noticed it too late.

Tony isn't here now.

Oh, God. Oh God.

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

He can't believe that this is happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished reading so you've been publicly shamed by jon ronson yesterday, and i've watched nausicaa of the valley of the wind with two (2) friends of mine some days ago. it was nice. both of those things. and Yes, i am aware that no one cares.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's priorities are a little... incorrect, focusing on Tony instead of giving full attention to his work. That has caused him to be sitting at his table comparing his life to a poorly written rom-com, receiving an invitation to Tony's birthday party, and...
> 
> Tony and Bucky's priorities are not what caused this one.
> 
> ...being introduced to an old friend of Pierce, Obadiah Stane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been hard to post each chapter fast - at first, it's hard to write them; then, it's hard to convince myself that I should post them. This one, in example, I wrote and erased and rewrote and erased again and rewrote one more time. I aim for something perfect because of my perfectionism, then I get frustrated with myself when I don't reach that something.
> 
> Out of all the versions that I wrote for this chapter, this is the one that I thought that wasn't so bad. I thank my best friend, Math, for reading it and comforting me about the quality of this. And remembering what once was my motto, even if this is not perfect - if it's bad - it's the better I could do at the time I wrote this and you only live once after all.
> 
> Besides warning that Pierce appears in this chapter (again), I'm not sure if there's anything I could warn about without giving a spoiler to this chapter so, yeah. (I mean. There's something. I never meant for this to be a long, long fic, or have a plot that was too detailed, or maybe more than... how do you say... two main plots [Bucky's issues and Bucky's relationship (including their friendship) with Tony developing], so this might be ending soon, and the ending might not be perfectly closed because I feel like it would be better that way.)
> 
> If you've read until there, hello, I am one year older today! My birthday was yesterday :D
> 
> This chapter has not been >perfectly< revised/edited yet, so there might be a few mistakes.

After he spent a few minutes deep in thought at work, Bucky realized something.

He had been noticing it, before, and what happened yesterday – the anxiety that hit him when he noticed that Tony had forgot his phone, left it on top of the couch in the living room, is difficult to explain. It’s hard to put it into words, to turn it into an organized thought process and not the messy emotion it was, but Bucky felt anxious because he connected Tony forgetting his phone there to being obligated to use it to find a way to contact Tony to invading Tony’s privacy to making Tony uncomfortable, which, to be honest, might be included in the list of Bucky Barnes’ worst fears right now – served to turn it from something that he was suspicious of to something that he was sure of.

What he had been noticing, or what he had realized, both might work to describe the situation accurately, is not serious. But he still dislikes to think about it.

Bucky - before he met Tony, before he watched one with Tony, before Tony began to recommend movies from that genre to him, before he started to feel, once again in his life, the feeling depicted in those movies - disliked rom-coms.

He tried to be fair in his judgment of the genre, so he thought that, of course, there were good rom-coms. But he just happened to be more of an action/horror/animation/any movie that could distract him from the stress that he felt kind of guy.

He had watched rom-coms before, he thought that they were boring (they never had distracted him from his work or stress; for a while, they actually made it worse, reminding him of his break up with Natasha), and that was it.

And yet, he didn’t knew anyone else whose romantic life was slowly turning into a poorly written rom-com where the relationship between the two people in the main couple was one-sided. Well. He didn’t knew anyone else who felt like they didn’t fit in heterosexual heteroromantic spaces or in LGBT spaces either, so he may be – between all the people that he knows – the first.

It was about the small things.

The details.

He could see, and he has a feeling that he did see it happen in at least one movie, a character forgetting something (not necessarily a phone) in another character’s house in a rom-com, which unintentionally created a reason for both characters to see each other again – Natasha came to get the phone at noon. Bucky ignored her presence and she ignored his. _Tony would come_ , she said, to Steve, _but he_ _can’t, because he_ _’s busy today_.

That had been the clearest detail he noticed.

He had noticed other details, too, but again, he means it when he says that it’s hard to put it into words.

Unfortunately, he had to focus on his work, so he’d soon forget the fact that he had made that comparison.

At least – and this is a very good thing – Pierce didn’t come to bother him.

//

A part of him is focused on his work, like he planned to be. The other part of him is wondering who is the bald man that is walking around the office together with Pierce, someone who seems out of place between Bucky and all of his colleagues – people who receive different payments, but who are still, as a group, not rich.

A soft noise from his phone distracts him from the two men, one who Bucky loathes and one who Bucky doesn’t knows but isn’t willing to like.

Picking his phone up from his pocket, he smiles without even noticing. It’s a message from Tony.

 _ **Do you remember how my birthday is in a few days?**_ , Tony asked.

Tony’s birthday is on May 29th. Yeah.

If Bucky ever forgot it, it would be for no more than a moment.

 _Yes_ , he answered.

_**I hadn’t expected you to answer so quick lol, aren’t you working?** _

The honest answer would be _yeah, I simply find myself not caring as long as I can keep the job nowadays_. But that would sound bitter. Out of place, in a conversation that is seemingly happy.

 _I am, but I don’t mind focusing on you instead_.

Bucky stared at the message, after he pressed  _sent_. It was so obviously something more than friendly. He didn’t even noticed it before he sent. Luckily, Tony didn’t seemed to notice it either.

_**aw. i’d tell you to focus on work bc it’s the responsible thing to do but i’ve talked to you during classes and other stuff so I doubt i’m in the place to scold you =p** _

He thought about replying _I wouldn’t mind getting scolded by you either_ but even his mind, who let things escape his filter of what is acceptable to say, noticed how that would sound.

**Anyway  
I wanted – if you’re free and if if you want to come, of course – to invite you to my birthday party.  
it’s nothing big or fancy and to be honest I don’t really celebrate my birthday so much but a friend of mine’s going to throw a party and I have no choice but to succumb to their will and be there**

He put his hand above his mouth to muffle the laugh that he let escape at how unhappy, yet not necessarily in a bad way, Tony sounded.

_it’s cool that they’ve talked to you about it. You usually see surprise parties when it comes to birthdays_

_**oh, no**_ , Tony replies. _**They haven’t told me about it, I found out on my own. Used my mind and my extended knowledge of them.**_

And, while he is at work, while he is using his phone at work, Bucky’s heart tightens.

It’s so sudden. The conversation is happy, there’s no reason for this to happen.

But his heart… To put it simply, it feels like he has felt before. It feels like yelling to the world that yes, yes, **yes** , Tony is the one for him, and he’ll yell that to anyone and everyone.

Tony has sent him another message.

Bucky uses it as a way to try to not, like Tony said, succumb to his heart’s will.

_**I just… think that if i’m really going to celebrate I need to invite you to it.  
I mean you don’t have to come if you’re tired or not in the mood. I’ll understand that bc i’ve been in similar situations. And if you’re working, too.** _

_**But I wanted to let you know about it. you’ve become very special for me in those few months that we’ve known each other. So you’re invited to it.** _

_Don’t cry_ , Bucky thinks to himself.

He looks around, to check if Pierce is approaching his table with the man besides him, just in case. He’s not. Not yet. Good.

_i’m totally accepting the invitation, just so you know. You won’t be able to un-invite me._

He’s not kidding by this point of the situation he’s in. He wouldn’t mind missing work if it meant spending a special day with Tony. Bucky got it so bad.

_**Good, because i’m not planning on doing that :D** _

Look. Look at this. Of course Bucky got it bad. How could he not?

_**Nat won’t be the one throwing the party as far as i’m aware but seeing that i’ve been told to stay away from my apartment in that day by friends I guess the party will be there  
i’ll pick you up. We could talk in the way there.** _

There, at the mention of Natasha, Bucky can’t help but feel a little insecure about being in the same place as her.

_Am I not going to ruin it for anyone else? I mean, I’m a stranger to most of your friends._

_**you’re not, I swear.  
I feel like you’re talking about natasha tho.** _

The _how did you guess?_ that he sends Tony is genuine.

**i’ve noticed the animosity between you two. Plus she has talked to me about you before and  
I didn’t agree with her opinions, of course, but it’s kind of… noticeable that you two don’t like each other so much  
but you don’t have to worry about that. she’ll be surrounded by people who are our friends. She might not like you being there but she’ll be busy.**

Oh.

_I never noticed that you… noticed it  
I thought we kept it a well-hidden secret. Most of the time._

_**I kind of can’t help but notice it.** _

_**Though rhodey, you know, my best friend who has the same first name as you do, he told me that I notice many things but not what’s right in front of me some days ago while we were playing uno and I don’t know what he meant with it.** _

That is weirdly familiar. It sounds like something that Steve would tell him, regarding Tony.

Wait. Pierce is approaching his table. Alright.

_Hey tony_

_you don’t know how much id rahter focus on you than my work but my boss is approaching and I gotta hide my cellphone._

_**Good luck**_ , Tony replies. Bucky hides his phone in his pocket again.

“Let me guess,” Pierce says. “Girlfriend?”

Why is he so into the concept that Bucky has a girlfriend? Bucky has, technically, helped that concept to evolve, but hey. It could be a friend, or a relative.

He shrugged, in a way to escape having to answer him with _yes_ and lie or having to answer him with _no_ and being obligated to answer the questions that would certainly arise.

Pierce turned to the bald, smiling man – who looked a little less like a rich asshole but still looked like a rich asshole - besides him.

“Isn’t young love a beautiful thing, Obadiah?”

The man, Obadiah, chuckled.

Alright. He is looking like a complete rich asshole again.

“Yes, it is. So you are the son that Pierce told me about?”

Sometimes, when he forgets that his persona motivated Pierce to look at him as a perfect son that was 'his in every manner but creation and blood' as Pierce would say, he feels surprised when questions like that are asked.

“I guess I am,” he answered.

“Don’t be humble, Barnes. You know you are,” Pierce said. “Obadiah, you should see it. That girlfriend is his biggest motivation at this point.”

Okay, so:

A) that is, unfortunately or not, true.

B) but that doesn’t means that Bucky likes to hear it from Pierce.

C) Tony is not dating him. Why do people have such a hard time accepting that they’re just friends, because Tony would never like him that way?

“It reminds me of my first marriage,” Obadiah tapped slightly against Bucky’s shoulder. Rebecca once said that energies can be felt through touches. It’s what she believes. Bucky isn’t sure if he believes it. But he knows that his anger increases, to the point where he has to hold his own hand so tightly that his knuckles turn white. “You know, kid, when you have that type of girl with you, you should never let her go or you’re going to regret it.”

Bucky nodded, just to seem like he agreed with it or at least heard it.

“He’s right,” Pierce said. Bucky can see how he would be right. On one hand, even when a break up is one-sided, he thinks that unless the context of the situation makes it change, letting the other person leave is the correct thing to do. On the other hand, yeah, breaking up and then regretting that you did that instead of staying together with the person you were dating and try to be honest about your feelings is a real thing. But Pierce ruins everything that he touches, in Bucky’s honest opinion. The concept of agreeing with him is disturbing. “Well, Obadiah has heard a lot about you, but you don’t happen to have heard about him, do you?”

Bucky shook his head.

“Should I have heard about him before?” he asked, remembering that the persona might be a little quiet – because Bucky can’t bring himself to develop what Pierce wants to hear too much – but that it’s not _that_ quiet.

“No,” Obadiah laughed. “Don’t worry about that. My company might be well-known in my area, but it’s not in Alexander’s.”

“Company?” he asked. _Company_? Is this man a CEO?

“Stane Industries,” Obadiah answered. “Our area is more focused on weapons.”

He has heard the name _Stane Industries_ before, he thinks. When he was young. There had been some scandals about it, accusations that the company was corrupt in more than one way. But the media glossed over that fact, and soon, the public forgot it too.

If the public ever paid attention to it, that is.

His mother had stared at the television and said, _I bet that he paid people to sweep it under the rug_.

Bucky might have found someone who he could hate more than Pierce.

He nodded.

Obadiah was right about having his company being well-known in his area but not in Pierce’s, though. Bucky and his colleagues are more focused on business than in weapons.

“Alexander is a friend of mine and has been since we were younger, though. That’s why we know each other.”

It makes sense that they would be each other’s friends. Bucky doesn’t knows Obadiah Stane, not really, but he doesn’t seems like a great dude.

“Obadiah came to visit, and I had thought about introducing him to you.”

Stane and Pierce stay for a few more minutes, talking. Bucky only agrees with what they say, barely hearing it.

When they leave, he allows himself to go back to focusing on Tony’s birthday party and on talking to Tony. A much more comfortable thing to think of. A much more comfortable thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> putting myself inside of my own story, acting as if it were more real than it is, i realized that bucky's life could be a lot less stressful and a lot more normal if pierce only looked to him as someone who works for him and not as a the son he never had.
> 
> end notes are always hard.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stane is friendly (and weird), but Bucky is not believing him. Meanwhile, Rhodes approaches him (through text) about Tony's 'surprise' birthday party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> This time, I'm updating sooner than before.
> 
> If I'm lucky, I might continue to be able to make quicker updates.
> 
> Still am not sure if I will be able to, though, but I'm hopeful!
> 
> Besides that, I just realized the number of hits that this fic has!
> 
> I know that the quantity doesn't means that every person who opened this story is still reading it, but. Wow. The fact that anyone gave this tiny thing attention is heart-warming, but I wasn't expecting to see how many people might have gave it a chance. I don't know what to say! I almost teared up (in a good way) :D
> 
> Thank you <3333
> 
> I think that the warnings, this time, are that there is an implied injury in this chapter that includes the mention of blood, and Obadiah being an asshole. A 'friendly' asshole. (A creep, if you will.)
> 
> This is unrevised and almost unedited, because I have pulled an all-nighter once again, which means that I'm really tired right now. I hope that it's good enough. I'll try to correct any mistakes that I might've not noticed yet later, and if something here needs to be edited, I'll edit it later too.
> 
> Again, thank you all!
> 
> (Slightly edited/revised on 09/08/2019)

He tries to avoid thinking about work when, or if, he can think about something different.

 _Can_ is the key word, because right now - 9am of a Tuesday - he can't.

That wouldn’t be happening if it weren’t for the presence of Obadiah Stane, who was standing besides him.

His presence is…

It’s not very easy to explain (is _anything_ easy to explain when you are Bucky Barnes?). So far, he would say that Stane seemed to be the type of person that you wanted to ignore but sooner or later you would notice that you were paying attention to him.

Bucky was drinking a cup of water and since Stane was near him he took the opportunity to give a closer, less rushed look to the man besides him.

Stane was staring at Bucky’s colleagues. Oddly, he looked as if he were analyzing them, as if he were measuring their worth in a way. He had a negative opinion of the man already formed and this didn’t made him look any better in Bucky’s eyes.

“Your name is James,” hearing Stane’s voice, his tone friendly but weird, out of nowhere startled him. He hoped that Stane didn’t noticed that _he_ was staring at him. “Right?”

He coughed a little, the water going down his throat without him expecting it.

When he recovered, he nodded.

“Yes,” he answered. “It is. James Buchanan Barnes.”

Stane hummed.

Bucky wondered if he had actually heard his answer.

The man turned his head to look to him. Like he does with Pierce, sometimes fearing that Pierce will be able to tell that Bucky dislikes him if he looks to him straight in the eye, Bucky looked down.

“I thought you had a higher position than being confined to a table,” he tried to not get too angry at that. Bucky assumed that it would be good to be in a higher position, but he was… fine, right now, in the position that he was. He could talk to Tony and no one gave a fuck to that. He was about to smile because of Tony, forgetting who he is talking to and where he is (if Bucky were a different person, he would think that this was a sign that he should confess to Tony, because one day he might spill it out without noticing), when Stane continued what he had to say. “Judging by how much Pierce has told me about you. I assume you must want to be promoted.”

He supposed that both of those assumptions weren’t absurd.

“Mr. Pierce,” he said, internally flinching at calling his boss this. It was formal -  _respectful_ - but he thought that his hatred for the man could be easier to hear in his tone if he called him Pierce, like he does in his head. “could promote me, but I think that the position that I’m in right now is good enough.”

“If you say so,” Stane replied.

He finished to drink the water and threw the plastic cup in the trash.

To be honest and a little less biased, he would like to be promoted. That meant a little bit less of time spent at work - a little bit more of time to rest - and more money - it felt good to have a considerable amount of money somewhere, just in case something went wrong - but he mainly wished that he could have a little bit more of time for, well, himself during the week.

Not like he would tell this to Stane.

“You know, Barnes,” speaking of the devil, there is he again. “You’re strange.”

Luckily there is no water in his mouth this time. He would either spit it all out, like in comedies, or choke.

“I--” he began. He looked to the man’s face, frowning. “What?”

Stane was smiling.

“You don’t have to look like that, I didn’t meant it in a bad way,” he should have started with that, then. “There is something about you that makes people want to trust you. You’ve made Pierce trust you in a way I didn’t expected him to, not with someone…” Stane pauses. Bucky’s frown deepened, but because of anger instead of confusion this time. And Stane didn’t even looked embarrassed. Will he be arrested if he punches Stane right now? Because he is tempted to. There are many things that he doesn’t reacts well to, and knowing that someone is looking down on him is one of them. “…like you.”

“Someone like me?” Bucky asks, keeping his voice low.

“With your salary,” he said.

That made a little bit more sense.

Sure, it was still bad, and it made his dislike of Stane stronger, but at least it made sense. For someone like Stane, that is.

“He doesn’t trusts in people easily. Neither do I. But I want to trust you. Can I?”

The only thing that he wishes for, right now, is not for a promotion. He wishes to be able to go back to his table and not answer this.

But since he has no choice, and since he wants to end this as soon as possible, he guesses that ‘yes’ is the right answer.

“Yes?”

Stane’s smile widened.

“My real reason to be visiting is not that I wanted to see how Pierce was doing,” he confessed. “I made a promise.”

“A promise?” he asked.

Stane nodded.

“I have a friend who has asked me to give a gift that she has bought to her son. His birthday will be on the 29th of this month,” this…

This makes Bucky think of Tony.

He blinked.

“Uhuh,” he murmured.

“That is,” Stane continued. “if I could find him. I haven’t managed to find him yet - you see, I went to the place where he told me that he was living, the last time that we spoke, but there are no traces of him.”

That doesn’t helps him to not think of Tony.

Stane is a rich man who is the CEO of a weapons’ company, and has had some corruption scandals in the past. Could he, somehow, know Tony? Tony, who is Bucky’s friend and crush. Tony, who is a non-binary person. Tony, who is someone who has an incredible talent with robots but besides seeming to live comfortably with Natasha doesn't seems to be rich at all.

“That,” he aimed for a tactful tone and a tactful choice of words. He’s not sure if he succeeded with either. His mind focused on how this reminded him of Tony, and how Tony’s mentions of his childhood have been sad or worrying so far. Somehow this made him dislike Stane a bit more. “is sad.”

Stane nodded.

“Yes,” he said. “It is. Well, just between you and me, I think that it's better this way.”

Better.

He isn't sure of what to say as a reply.

“Better?” he asked.

“Yes,” Stane answered. “He left home without anything besides his school bag, the clothes he was wearing and a bloody nose--”

Bucky can only tolerate someone like Stane to a certain level.

Regardless if this is Tony that he is talking about or not, this doesn't seems to be a genuine emotion.

Besides, the man has downgraded him and this is someone’s privacy that he is invading.

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked, a little bit angrier than he intended to.

It was Stane’s turn to frown.

For some reason, Bucky didn't believed that this was a genuine reaction, too.

Instead of answering with something along the lines of…

He doesn’t knows.

But instead of answering with an actual answer, Stane answers with a question.

“Why do you look so angry, as if you knew who I'm talking about?”

Bucky blinked.

He didn't noticed how angry he looked.

Neither did he notice that it was _angry_ to the point where Stane noticed it.

“I,” he takes a deep breath. He panicked without even noticing. “I don’t want to invade someone’s privacy,” he said.

Stane smiled, then.

“I was just going to say,” he continued. “that you remind me of him.”

Just like that, the man left him behind.

He could interpret this as something positive. He can’t shake the feeling that Stane _was_ talking about Tony, somehow knowing that they know each other, which is absurd. But he could interpret this as positive - as one more person giving him their _approval_.

But the way that Stane talked, acted, smiled… all of it made Bucky almost certain that, if that were the case, if he knew, somehow, that Bucky and Tony are friends, it felt as if he just did that to make him feel bad.

//

All in all, especially if in comparison with what other days at work have been like, this day is not the best that it could be, but it was good. Besides the weird talk with Stane, nothing important had happened.

(The word comparison reminds him of the comparison that he was doing yesterday, something that slowly he believes more and more.)

As he is eating dinner - and as Steve is using his laptop, seeming very concentrated on what he is doing - he receives a message.

Bucky has used his cellphone more this year than in any other year, because of those messages. His reputation of _rarely logging in to social media_ and _rarely using electronic devices for things other than talk to a relative or work_ has been ruined.

He thought that the person who had sent the message was Tony. Now, because of Tony, Bucky talked to more people than he usually did - he talked to Sam more often, having found an opportunity to do so between their work and sleep schedules, and he had met Rhodes, to who he talked quite a lot, too (and there was their little group; Bucky popped up in it many times, but he doubted that the group chat between him, Sam and Rhodes counted as another person that he was talking to) - but he was still used to receiving and sending more messages to Tony than to any other person.

It wasn't Tony, as you may be able to imagine based on the way that Bucky has worded his thought process. It was Rhodes.

Rhodes was a very nice man towards him for someone who has had to deal with Tony’s ‘ex-boyfriends, who were assholes’. Bucky felt thankful, especially because it was genuine, but he often expected Rhodes to be a little less nice and friendly and a little more protective.

He even told him this, once.

Rhodes replied with  _ **I understand what you mean**_ , alone, then he sent, _**but my behavior will change depending on who I am talking to. If I can use dialogue, I will. I am not going to be rude to someone if I don’t have a reason that I think is good enough to.**_

 _ **B**_ _ **esides**_ , he continued, _**as much as I think that tones does sees the good more than the bad in people, I at least try to trust him and his judgment. He might be like a little sibling**_ **,** and Bucky, remembering that conversation, wondered if Rhodes used the word ‘sibling’ mindlessly or if he used that word because it was a gender neutral term, _**to me, and I might protect him a little bit, but he’s also an intelligent person, I think that he can make his own choices, you know? I just try to intervene in case I think he’s being hurt.**_

 _I_ _didn’t meant to act as if he couldn’t make his own choices_ , Bucky replied.

_**No worries, barnes, I understood what you meant** _

The message was ominous.

He doesn’t knows why but the concept of having any person ask him if he can keep a secret, like Rhodes has just done, has an ominous feeling to it.

_If I can keep a secret..._

_Yes?_ , he answered.

_**From Tony?** _

He had a feeling that this had something to do with Tony’s ‘surprise’ birthday party.

Well. He could keep a secret from Tony. He was keeping one, right now. But Tony already knew about his party.

Unsure if he should or if he shouldn’t do it, he sent Tony a message.

_Rhodes is talking to me about your surprise party, should I tell him that you already know about it?_

_**Never**_ , Tony answered.  _ **He probably already suspects that I know about it. Humor him. And tell me the results!**_

_As you wish._

Back to the chat with Rhodes, he answered _I think that I can_.

Again. He had, after all, kept his crush a secret from Tony for a considerable amount of time until now.

Stevie, Sam, Rhodes, Natasha and Sharon - he wasn’t sure if she actually knew about it, but he felt like she did - might already know about it, sure, and that might mean that Bucky isn’t as good at keeping secrets as he thought he was, of course, but the important thing is that Tony doesn’t seems to be aware of it.

Yet.

Bucky would say _and hopefully he will never be_ but something about it feels wrong to his heart.

How do people who have a crush on each other for _years_ manage to not burst out that they have a crush on the other? Bucky is feeling like he is approaching his bursting point already and there are people in the world who have kept their crush a secret since they were children.

 _ **Alright**_ , thankfully, Rhodes distracted him from his incoming panic. _**Pepper has asked me to ask you to distract Tony while we prepare the apartment for a party  
it’s going to be nothing fancy or big or too hard to clean but, well, you don’t know pepper yet but you’ll realize why people are so fast to do what potts wants when you meet potts**_

This Pepper seems very… dominant.

 _I can do that_ , he said. _For how long would you want me to do it?_

_**For how long will you be able to distract him on his birthday?** _

Well.

Bucky supposed that they could watch something on Netflix.

Maybe begin the Disney marathon that they had once talked about.

 _I think I can distract him for some hours_ , he answered.

 _ **Could it be almost a whole day?**_ , Rhodes asked.

This doesn’t seems like ‘something that isn’t too hard to clean’. Either this is going to be hard to clean or Rhodes… well… Bucky didn’t knew what he could want, but either it’s going to be hard to clean or Rhodes wants him to do something besides distracting Tony.

But yeah. Bucky could do this.

_Yes._

_**Good.** _

_**That was all. I gotta go now. I can smell something like burnt food coming from the kitchen and I want to see what is happening before Sam burns down my house** _

Bucky’s divided between feeling surprised that Sam’s at Rhodes’ house - his first meeting with Rhodes, when he thought that they were on a date, came back to his head - and not feeling so surprised because, well, it’s none of his business.

He chooses to not feel so surprised.

 _Rhodes_ , he sent to Tony, _has asked me to distract you for a whole day_

_**oh my god** _

_**if they prepare a big party and leave it to ME to clean everything up I AM going to fight each one of them** _

“Bucky?”

Bucky blinked, and turned his face in Stevie's direction so he could look to him.

“Yes?” he asked.

Stevie was still using his laptop, but he gestured to his own face.

“You haven’t seen the face that you just did, have you?”

Bucky shook his head.

“I didn’t. Why?”

“Focus on my face. I’m going to do what you just did,” Stevie said.

Bucky could do that.

He focused on Stevie’s face.

Stevie changed his expression to a neutral one, putting his hands on top of his lap. He wasn’t pouting, but he was far from smiling.

Then, he began to smile, slowly, almost sweetly, and put his arm on top of the coffee table near him, giving a cute sigh.

“You _literally_ just did this,” he said, going back to a normal expression. “Are you talking to Tony?”

Bucky never expected anyone, never expected _Stevie_ (who is, after all, smart and has known him for a long time) to guess what he was doing so easily and so fast.

“Yes,” he answered. “You smile when a friend of yours is cute too, so don’t even try to start this.”

Stevie muffled his laugh with the back of his left hand, but he didn’t try to say anything related to what Bucky just did while he was talking to Tony again.

“Speaking of Tony,” he said. “Have you heard about the surprise party already?”

“You know about it?”

Stevie sighed.

“Of course I do. You might not see me talking to him as often as you do, but he’s my friend and I’ve met his friends before. I suppose that you’ve already heard of it, then.”

“I did.”

“Was it from Rhodes or was it from Tony himself?”

“Wait,” _now_ Stevie is beginning to know too much. “How did you knew?”

“Tony _always_ finds out about his surprise parties,” Stevie answered. “Everyone knows that he knows it already, we just like to act as if the secret is being successfully kept.”

Oh.

If this is about this year - the ‘everyone knows that he knows it already’ - then Tony is likely right about Rhodes probably already being aware that Tony knows.

Well.

This does certainly seems less stressful than it would be if Tony didn’t knew about it.

Stevie is quiet.

Bucky goes back to focusing on his phone, like Stevie goes back to focusing on his laptop.

 _I’m going to help you_ , he sends Tony.

_**On fighting them or on cleaning it?** _

_I’d help you in anything that you wanted from me tbh_

This has been a positive beginning of a week.

Bucky only hopes that his lucky will stay around for some more time, and that the week will continue to be as positive as it is right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think of what I will write in the notes only to forget what I want to say, or how do I want to say it, when I actually am writing the notes.
> 
> I'm certain that this is not what I was going to talk about but I just remembered it: I feel like as a character, Obadiah is the type of person who could do something simply because he could. There would be a calculating, manipulative vibe to what he did, I think, but he feels like someone who enjoys being cruel. Those are just my feelings about him, though.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If everything is going too well, does it means that something terrible will happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deciding to post this chapter was the usual process. Me, thinking that it is not good - or long - enough. Me, realizing that I have rewritten it and is the best I could do. Me, right now, hoping that it is at least a little bit good and telling to myself that sometimes you need to accept that you have done the best that you could do at the time.
> 
> Anyway. Hello! :^)
> 
> We are closer and closer to the end, although I sometimes consider writing a continuation if this is finished. Eh.
> 
> I hope that you all are fine, and that there will be at least someone out there who will like it.
> 
> Also, I am tired right now (as always), so I can't think of any triggers that might be in this chapter. If you do notice something that could be triggering, feel free to tell me.
> 
> This chapter is unrevised and kind of unedited.
> 
> Besides that, I have discovered the joy that is writing Oblivious Pining Idiots That Take Longer Than Normal and More Proof Than The Normal To Realize That They Are In Love With Each Other, also known as: Slow Burn, Mutual Pining and Oblivious Character A/B/etC.

Bucky has a good week, and a good week-end; his mind, focused on the task that Rhodes had assigned him, offered him a calm and peaceful place, sort of a mind palace, where he could distract himself from other more stressing parts of his life.

The fact that neither Stane nor Pierce bothered him at work again definitely had helped a bit.

A bit, in this case, meant a lot, but sometimes Bucky liked to act as if he _couldn’t care less_ for Pierce, instead of being honest and acknowledging that he didn’t have the lucky of not caring for the man - he just hated him, heavily, deeply.

(Sometimes, like he said. Most of the time he had no issues with being honest with himself and with some of the people he knew.)

Part of the reason for his lucky of having a nice week turning into his lucky of having a nice week-end was Stevie.

“Bucky,” Stevie said, in the middle of eating lunch. Bucky can hear Mrs. Rogers scolding him. _Didn’t I taught you that it was disrespectful to speak while you eat, Steven?_ “Do you remember what a commission is?”

“Yeah,” he answered. Mrs. Rogers would scold him too. _Don’t encourage Steven, James_. “I do. Why?”

Stevie smiled.

Bucky guessed what he was going to say, because he knew how to recognize Stevie’s prideful expression when he saw it.

“I’m doing commissions again,” he said. “It’s a bit overwhelming, but it’s money. I thought you’d be happy hearing about it.”

The happiness in Stevie’s face was enough to make him feel happy, but yes, knowing that there would be an additional amount of money that he could count with was nice.

So most of the things in his life seem to be going well. Bucky tries to be positive about this, but every time that more than one thing goes well for him he starts to think that something terrible will happen.

And oh, God, that anxiety is a terrible feeling.

He goes back to thinking of Tony’s birthday party, automatically but consciously, in order to avoid his anxiety.

Is this a mature thing to do? Avoiding your emotional issues?

Bucky doesn’t knows if it’s mature or not, but he’s going to be thirty in three years and while he doesn’t avoids working, cleaning, being responsible with money and cooking, he does avoid dealing with his emotions many times.

Sometimes he wonders if he’d have less issues with Natasha if he had told her, when they were still dating, that he had a headache instead of telling her that he didn’t wanted to talk.

That he didn’t wanted to talk instead of crying and avoiding her.

That he didn’t wanted to go out because night time was the only time when he could rest instead of telling her that he dislikes her friends, so he doesn’t wants to go out with them.

If he had told her that he was drunk instead of telling her that he was tired, when she called him. If he had yelled _why are you yelling at me because I feel uncomfortable around some of your friends_ instead of yelling _why are you angry_ _if I’m telling you the truth?_ (this one, back when he was twenty-four, happened on a discussion that lasted thirty-minutes. It started as him feeling worried for her because one of her friends did nothing but criticize her and it escalated to anger, like most of their discussions did).

The point is that he has a history of avoiding to tell people the emotional, not necessarily logical and not necessarily rational, truth.

And that his history is mainly caused because Bucky doesn’t feels as if he should (or as if he could) share his negative emotions with people. Or the emotions that he felt that didn’t made much sense.

Those, different from happiness or sadness or anxiety caused by a good reason, or anger, maybe, felt as if they were a forbidden emotional line that he could never cross.

Where was he? Oh, Tony’s birthday party, alright.

Bucky is anxiously expecting for it. His first reason for that, of course, is Tony.

He doesn’t even knows how to explain it, by this point.

It’s both because of the concept of being in Tony’s party by itself and the concept of _Tony_. His second reason for that is that he’s curious about Tony’s friends, especially Pepper.

And he’s a little anxious about them, too. Will they like him? That thought has been making him really nervous. He hopes that they will.

What type of clothes should he wear? What is he even going to do to distract Tony, besides, what, a Disney marathon, and _how_ will he do it? Should he cook something? That seemed like a good idea. But would Tony like it? Would Tony like it if he cooked something? Oh my God, this isn’t even a date but Bucky is behaving like it is.

Good lord.

Steve called his attention again.

“What?” he asked, blinking.

“You stopped moving. I was beginning to think you were sleeping with your eyes open. Your food’s getting cold.”

Oh, yes. The food. Bucky can’t let his food get cold.

The Disney marathon will have to be forgotten, momentarily, for now.

//

His anxiety does nothing but grow at a steady pace, worsening as time passes, and yet it doesn’t feels too bad like it should feel based on his past experiences with it.

Rhodes asked him, over the phone, to take Tony out somewhere between 10am and 12pm and to bring him back at 06pm.

(He couldn’t stop himself from feeling happy at the fact that Rhodes had included him in this scheme. He knew that this was no more than the planning of a birthday party, but the fact that Rhodes included him made him feel warm, as if Rhodes were looking at him as a friend. Bucky is honored to be considered his friend.)

“What should I do, though?” he asked, because despite planning to cook and to start a Disney marathon, Bucky was far from feeling certain of what he should do with Tony.

“You can do whatever you want to,” Rhodes answered, patiently. “You could take him to the movies. Take him to a store. Take him to a restaurant. The only thing you should avoid is a bar,” he continued. In a softer tone, he added, “I don’t want to tell you something that he’d rather keep secret, but… Tones, he has some issues with alcohol.”

“Alright,” he agreed. “no bars. But,” he began, his uncertainty tainting his voice. “is there anything you’d recommend? Like, something he’d enjoy to do a little bit more?”

Rhodes sighed.

He didn’t seem to be tired of him or angry with him. Frustrated might be the right word to describe what his sigh sounded like.

“Tones - I suppose that he wouldn’t like to know that I’m telling you this, but that’s more because he believes that he makes people worry for what he thinks is nothing - has complained about feeling tired, because of his classes, studying and dealing with his birthday. I think that he wouldn’t mind doing anything too exciting with you, but if you’re worried about giving him comfort while distracting him in a good way, maybe you could stay at home and watch a movie on Netflix.”

“Alright,” he said, again. “Alright, okay. Thank you, Rhodes.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Rhodes replied. “You’re planning for the bigger picture, which is Tones’ birthday, with me,” the other side of the line was quiet for a few seconds, until Rhodes continued, giggling. “You’re welcome, man. And you can call me Jim if you want to. Hearing someone who isn’t a teacher or a boss or my sister when she’s angry with me calling me Rhodes is way too formal for me.”

“Then you can call me Bucky, too. Most of the people who call me Barnes are either people that I hate or people that hate me. You’re the exception for both. Well, you and Sam.”

Though Sam hadn’t been calling him Barnes for a while now.

“I was already calling you Bucky in my head,” Rhodes, well, Bucky supposes he should think of him as Jim now, confesses.

//

Should he buy new clothes?

He has a suit, sure, and it’s easy to pick what to wear for a formal event related to work, but…

It took him so long to choose what he’d wear, and he was frustrated with his final choice.

Black and blue.

A black t-shirt, a dark blue denim jeans that seemed like a good piece of clothing and made him wonder why he didn’t used it more often until he put it on and it proved to be too large for his legs.

Which was saying something, because Bucky isn’t a small man. He had to cuff his pants.

Then there was a pair of black combat boots, which were Bucky’s favorite part of a whole boring and possibly ugly outfit (his opinions were biased; that used to be his favorite style of boot when he was a teen, and it didn’t changed now that he was an adult).

He doesn’t knows why he is overthinking clothes. Why did it took him so much time to decide, if in the end this was going to be a simple party and not a fancy one?

He supposes that he wanted to look nice.

Why? Because of Tony, of course. It's not like he could deny it at this point. He wants to impress Tony, even if he thinks that Tony doesn't likes him this way. Is he being too wishful if he considers the idea that maybe Tony likes him this way, since people who know Tony a lot better than he does thinks that Bucky's feelings are mutual?

Jim, who is Tony's best friend, has implied - sometimes, he  _heavily_ implied this - that Tony liked him back. What if he does?

 _No_ , Bucky thought, embarrassed. There are many people better than Bucky out there, who wouldn't yell at Tony because of their own anxiety. Tony probably likes someone else. He deserves better.

Anyway.

He sighed, but it was a happy, comfortable sigh. His thought process may imply otherwise, but he’s happy.

Even if he knew that Tony didn't liked him the way he liked Tony, something made him feel as if something really good would happen on May 29th.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, coming closer to finishing this: maybe i'll have the chance to write a mpreg plot that has been tormenting me for half a year
> 
> me to me: god au. vampire au. jock/nerd au. role reversal au. fantasy au. So many AUs, so little time/energy!
> 
> (Speaking of fantasy, I am rewriting a long BuckyTony fantasy fic right now. I am not sure if I will post it when I am done. Just thought that the information could be nice.)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In order to find a good gift for Tony, Bucky is forced to be in an enclosed space, alone, with Natasha. As a result, the Pandora box of why they are in the situation they are in right now is slightly opened, and he finds out that one of the reasons for Natasha's anger isn't what he expected. At all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I'm going to get a little personal, so feel free to jump to the rest of the notes if you want to.
> 
> My mental health is... I think that worsening isn't the right word, but it has definitely seen better times. The mixture of perfectionism with self-criticism that is part of my writing process isn't helping. I'm wondering if the exhaustion that I feel could be caused, or have something to do with, by this. However, I'm determined to finish this.
> 
> I try to rewrite it and turn it into a perfect story, but I never succeed. It's what happened with this chapter too. Realizing, once again, that I'll not be able to make it perfect, I decided to post it and try to be a little positive, tell myself that I gave the best I could give and that it's better than leaving this unfinished.
> 
> I wish this were better, but I hope that it's, at least, a little bit good.
> 
> The content warning for this chapter is implied/mentioned suicidal thoughts. If you see something else that should be warned for, feel free to tell me - I haven't slept all night again, so I might've missed something.

As he attempted to find a book – the genre, he thought it could be an interesting information, just something nice to know, was self-help – that he had borrowed from _Brock Rumlow, The Asshole_ a while ago and that _Brock_ _Rumlow,_ _The Asshole_ had asked him to give it back when he finished reading it a while ago (Bucky won’t explain why he borrowed the book or why he borrowed it from someone he disliked, thank you very much) he found, instead, a sketch.

He hadn’t realized what it was, at first. It was in the bookshelf, between a book and another, near the bottom of the shelf.

The sketch had been done with a red pencil. It seemed to be a sketch of someone touching another person’s nose, and he was able to recognize that he hadn’t seen this before, his flawed memory not being enough to make this a questionable assumption of his own mind.

Because he was a very lucky man, Stevie entered the bedroom in time to see him holding the sketch in his hands.

“Bucky,” he said, after he opened and closed his mouth a few times. “What are you doing?” he asked.

He supposed that he didn’t looked very normal, in the position that he was in.

“I… I had never seen this sketch. Before.”

Stevie walked in his direction, stopping when he was near him, and took the sketch from his hands, carefully, not seeming to be feeling embarrassed or angry.

“That’s because you weren’t supposed to see it,” he replied, simply, giving him a smile after he took a look at his face. Bucky huffed. Was it just him, or had Stevie been acting a little more protective lately? Showing him more affection, too. Not in a way that was out of character for him, he still called Bucky an asshole, but between them, things seemed to be a little different now. Not that it was bad, necessarily, it was just strange. “I’m trying to draw something for Tony, as a gift. Sadly,” he distanced a few of the other books from each other, which, in turn, made a significant amount of paper sheets – each full of sketches done with red pencil – fall with the wind caused by that movement. “I can’t figure out the perfect drawing. So I’ve been trying to sketch a scene from any movie that he likes or something robotic.”

Oh.

“This is great. Your drawing is great,” he said. Only now, that Stevie mentioned that, he realized it. “I haven’t bought Tony anything yet,” he murmured.

He should’ve realized that – and he should’ve did something about it – sooner.

“To be fair,” Stevie begun, putting the sketch down on the floor. “no one but Sharon has managed it.”

He moved, sitting in Bucky’s bed. Before he had to witness the embarrassment of him patting the bed for Bucky to come and sit with him, Bucky sat there too.

“What do you mean by that?”

Stevie sighed.

“Tony is an incredible person,” he said, seemingly unsure if he were choosing the right words to get his message across. “But, he isn’t… Easy, when it comes to gifts. No,” he added, as soon as Bucky opened his mouth, probably guessing what he was going to ask. “I’m not saying that he’s exigent when it comes to accepting gifts – it’s the contrary. Tony doesn’t likes gifts, unless the gift is disguised as a different thing, as something that isn’t a gift. If it’s clearly a gift, it makes him feel as if he hasn’t earned it yet, so it doesn’t serve the purpose that it has. Because of that, I’m trying to draw something that Natasha would like to hang in the wall or something similar that both her and I know that will be much more liked by Tony. Everyone involved in the party is in a similar situation. But Sharon can get away with giving Tony something that is clearly a gift, because he’s used to that from her. So,” he shrugged. “you aren’t the only one who hasn’t bought – or done – anything yet. Plus, this year was busier than the last ones.”

H e nodded.

He wasn’t sure about how to feel, even after Stevie’s (motivational?) speech, but he was feeling a little bit less in despair by hearing that.

He thought he was, at least.

“Well,” Stevie stood up. “This talk gave me an idea of what I should draw, but before I do that, what were you searching for?”

It was odd, the way that Stevie – at times so very lost – could help Bucky to find something that he had unconsciously or not been searching for.

Ten minutes of search were enough. Stevie remembered that he had found the book, and took it with him in his trip to Sharon’s parents’ home. It was in his bag.

On the other hand, there was something else he needed to find now.

//

_ have you b ought a gift for tony? _ , he had sent to Jim, who was his best option.

_** No ** _ , Jim answered,  _** I’m currently trying to guess what he’d like to receive that he’ d accept too.  Gets harder each year ** _

That was similar to what Stevie had told him about Tony’s relationship with the gifts he received.

_** Why? ** _ ,  Jim asked,  _** have you managed to find something already? ** _

_ No _ , he answered,  _ I was hoping that you could help me, to be honest. _

_** Oh ** _ , Jim sent.

_** Anything you did or bought would be accepted by Tony ** _ , he said.  _** You could buy him a four dollars pen and he’d be glad  about it ** _

Yes, he had understood that from the bit that Stevie implied that Tony wasn’t good at accepting gifts that he didn’t thought he had earned. Being glad with a pen that Bucky gave him seemed to be one example of that.

__**But if you want something more specific…  
  
there is this place that I know. I can’t buy something from here, because Tony would realize that it was a gift, but I think that you could do that and get away with it.**

_**If you want, I can give you the address.** _

_ Yes, please _ , he replied.

He thought that it was a little bit silly to look at Tony, who was so smart and Bucky wasn’t even capable of grasping just how smart he was yet, and think that he wouldn’t be able to notice that something was a gift.

But at the same time, in the way that they were organizing it, he thought that it wasn’t impossible.

The address was a little distant, though. Not much, but – if he had a car, it would take less time to get there.

_ Do you know anyone that has a car? _ , he asked Jim.

_**About that…** _

//

Jim’s answer was that, yes, he knew someone who had a car.

The continuation was that he wasn’t sure if Bucky would like to be in the same car with her. Bucky was smart enough to guess who it was.

He’d tell her that he was sorry, but he thought that’d make both of them feel more uncomfortable instead of less.

So, there he was, having just gotten out of work, in her car.

The seat belt was more interesting than many things he had ever seen.

“I’ve heard that Pierce is thinking of closing a deal with the CEO of Stane Industries,” Bucky was on his way to give her a sarcastic reply when he frowned.

That was unusual of Natasha.

There was no… Well, at least not only... Malice in her voice.

She could be more interested in it, from a different point of view, but there was no malice he could identify in it.

“Wouldn’t surprise me,” he replied. The movement of a car was relaxing, but not enough, when you had to deal with the fear that something would burst the peaceful bubble soon. “Obadiah Stane came to visit my job.”

She nodded.

At the mention of Stane’s name, she looked a little angry.

“Do you know more about that rumor?” he asked.

A miracle, it seemed, was happening.

Both of them were being civil enough with each other.

That would end soon, probably, but for now, it was very enjoyable.

“Stane Industries’ reputation isn’t at its finest, so it might be marketing. It was Fury,” she explained, before he asked who had talked to her about that.

“Your history professor?”

“Ours. Mine and Tony’s – both of us go to his class. But he met both Pierce and Stane in the past.”

He hadn’t expected that.

She stopped and looked to him.

“Have you heard anything about this rumor yet?” she asked.

He shook his head.

She lifted her left brow.

“I didn’t. I’m not sure how your professor heard about it, either.”

“Wanda Maximoff,” she replied. “An anti-war activist,” she cleared, when he looked at her, confused. “And in our class, too. I thought she was a conspiracy theorist, in the past, but Tony believed her and I did my own research. Not a conspiracy theorist.”

He was curious.

But it was alright.

He didn’t need to know – it’s not like he had never heard about that, after all.

“You should jump off the boat,” she said. “Before you get drowned with it.”

“I can’t just quit my job.”

“Fury probably knows someone who could give you one,” she mumbled. “He knows plenty of people.”

That sounded good – but coming from her, Bucky didn’t feel sure about it.

“Why do you care?” he asked, then added, “About me, I mean. I have a diploma, I can get a recommendation letter. I don’t need your help.”

She whistled.

Yeah. He noticed. It sounded a little – a lot, if he had to be honest about it – more defensive than he intended to.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. Bucky knew that their relationship hadn’t been the best, but he was self-conscious, even if it might look otherwise. She looked to the street, going back to driving.

“You don’t need to apologize to me _for that_ ,” she said. “I get it. It’s none of my business, after all.”

He sighed.

“Look, Natasha,” he closed his eyes, moving his face, as if he were staring at the car’s roof. “I’m… I’m not in the mood for talking.”

“You know, that’s your issue,” she replied. “You’re never in the mood for talking,” before he could interrupt her, she continued. “You can talk about finances just fine. You could talk about my issues, I can remember that – you could help me, you always did. You can talk to Tony, guide him through bad days. You could talk to Steve, make him remember that there was something besides mourning in the world – but you can’t talk about yourself. Never could.”

“Shouldn’t that be a good sign?” he asked, huffing. “I’m not self-centered. I’m self-conscious. Shouldn’t these things about me be good?”

“Not when they stop you from asking for help,” she tightened her grip on the wheel. “Not when they make you lash out _at yourself_ , or any other person, or any other thing.”

“Maybe I don’t ask for help because I don’t need it,” he replied.

“God, James, do you _forget_ that I knew you before you started to work for Pierce?” she asked. “I helped you to take care of your sister when she was sick because _you_ were sick too, and your parents were too busy working. You _never_ ask for help. Do you seriously think that you don’t need help, too? When was the last time that you felt anxious for a normal reason?”

Anger was a sadistic emotion. He couldn’t believe that he was hearing that. He was prideful. Though, no. Maybe that wasn’t it. All of this hit too close to home.

“Why are you afraid of me?” he asked, remembering what she had said about him yelling with Tony like he did with her.

“I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid for you!” she yelled.

Their voices sounded different when they yelled. Stronger vibrations, weaker voices. Steel masks, soft emotions. _Angry_ , _furious_. Sad.

“For me?!” he yelled back. Anger was a sadistic emotion, warping itself around your head, making it impossible for you to distract yourself of it.

“Yes, for you! This is from before that, even, but God, ever since the first day that you worked for Pierce, the only thing that I see is that you feel worse and worse. Do you ever notice that? Or am I the only person that remembers that you barely got out of bed some days? Do you remember telling me that he made you feel as you would work for him for the rest of you life to pay a debt that exists only in his head – and in your moral, because of your lack of care to yourself? Or are you so used to the stress that you don’t see that not having time to rest shouldn’t be normal? I’m afraid for you,” her voice was softer, now, but she wasn’t crying. “I’m angry with you. I’m not saying that I’m not. I’m not saying that I like you, I’m not saying that I want to like you again. I’m not saying that I think of you the way that I did before – I’m not saying anything like that. But part of you has withered away, and you know that, and you know why that happened. I’m not saying that I don’t hate you, Barnes. I’m saying that we’re almost the same age, and I don’t want to have to, one day, wake up and find out that your family are preparing themselves for your funeral.”

He blinked.

There were tears coming down his face, as he blinked. He let them fall.

“I’m sorry,” he tried to say. It was the more genuine that he had sounded ever since their last big fight.

“Pierce gave you a job,” she said. “He gave you a job when you most needed it, because you didn’t wanted to talk to your parents. Because you remembered what money had been like for them, how hard it was sometimes. And because Steve had no one else to care for him. I get it. I truly do – before Fury, I was hopping from person to person, trying to find someone who helped me to pay the bills because--” she sighed, stopping again, at the red light. “Because I’ve been there. I’ve been the person who had to find a way to help my best friend. But you don’t have to, you don’t need to and you shouldn’t continue to work there. Not when it’s worsening your situation more and more. Not when your reaction to receiving your salary isn’t happiness or relief at the fact that you can pay the bills, but anger and sadness at the fact that you have to continue to work for him.”

Natasha had always been good at observing people.

He wasn’t sure if she knew that from personal experience with him or if he were easy to read, though.

Neither of them said anything. She continued to drive and then stopped again.

He took a deep breath, wiping his face.

“We’re here. I’ll wait for you.”

The address that Rhodes had given him was the address of a bookstore.

Bucky walked around inside of it, not sure of what to buy.

There were many books that were in the shelves, all looking like they could be hated or loved by Tony.

His cellphone buzzed on his pocket with a notification. He picked it up.

An unknown number.

_**You can buy Fifty Shades of Grey as a joke.** _

He guessed that was Natasha.

Well. He supposed he should be glad. She worried about him. That’s good, isn’t it? It showed that not everything between them was completely destroyed for the rest of eternity.

_**There is one book that Tony is very interested in reading.** _

She gave him the name of the book. Luckily, almost miraculously, it was there.

He came back to her car, plastic bag with the book in hand.

“Thank you,” he said.

“I’m doing this for Tony,” she replied. “Don’t think that we’re okay now.”

Surely, he wouldn’t.

He couldn’t stop himself from noticing that this fight, in comparison with the other types of fight that they have had, was pretty tame.

When Steve sees him arrive, red eyes and a plastic bag, he doesn’t says anything.

Instead, he announces, “I made tea.”

The tea had never tasted like it does, there. Sweet and bitter, a bittersweet symphony playing in his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for getting personal in the notes.
> 
> Natasha and Bucky's relationship ended because of more than one thing, and I don't want to minimize her feelings. However, I feel like in their relationship, she being worried about Bucky and his mental health issues - but neither of them knowing how to approach it - added more stress to their dynamic. So I don't want to minimize her feelings, like I said, but to show how this was one of the factors that helped what they had to end.
> 
> Feelings are complex, relationships are complex, human beings are complex.
> 
> I hope that any soul who decides to read this will like it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tuesday is an emotional roller-coaster.
> 
> On one hand, it could've gone better. On the other hand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that, by this point, everyone is aware of the worst part of my writing process. I've talked about it a lot in the notes, at least it has been a lot for me, and it happened again. Eh. That's life. You can only live once, and honestly, trying to apply my point of view as a reader to this situation, I think that it'd be better to post something that's not perfect (something bad. Something only a little good. Anything that you would call 'not perfect') than to not post something because it's not perfect.
> 
> Having said that, I think that I will make this into a series, because I feel like there's more about this fic than what I've done at the same time that I feel like I've already done what I could do... in this. And I feel like an epilogue won't be enough to cover it. But, well, I don't know. We shall see.
> 
> This is unrevised.

It was Natasha who opened the door for him.

She had no expression in her face as she looked to him, as if she were expecting him to give the first step of a dance, one that they had been dancing for a long time but only realized it now, and lead her so she would know what to do.

Bucky looked away from her face, succeeding at not letting his embarrassment show too much.

“Tony's getting dressed,” she said. “You better sit.”

‘It’ll take a while’ went unsaid.

His mind replayed the conversation that they had as he quietly walked into the apartment and sat down in the couch.

Staring back at him was the matryoshka doll on top of the coffee table, the one that he gave her back when they could make each other happy. The one he had noticed the last time he was there.

He wondered if she remembered it was him who bought it for her.

“You slept in today?” Natasha asked, sitting in front of him, forcing him to acknowledge her presence as uncomfortable as it made him after their talk.

“I told Pierce I was sick,” he answered.

“And he believed you?”

There was more than curiosity in her voice, but he lacked the energy to discover what it was.

“I never gave him a reason to not trust me,” he said. It was true - despite the anger that he felt and the various number of times he had wanted to punch him, he managed to keep the image he had intact.

“You’re a good liar, sometimes,” she replied.

He nodded.

This was uncomfortable, but being alone with her in an apartment was better than being alone with her in a car.

Bucky took a deep breath. Getting uncomfortable was inevitable, both for him and for her, but he shouldn’t focus on that, at least not today.

The noise of a door opening caught the attention of both of them, and they looked in the direction where it had came from.

“Oh,” Tony said, closing the door again, as if he shyly hiding behind it. “ _Nat_! You said you’d warn me!”

The sound of his voice was the sweetest thing Bucky had heard, soothing all his worries at once.

“I forgot,” Natasha said, standing up. The happiness in her voice was genuine. “C’mon, Tony, you look great.”

“I don’t,” Tony replied, the closed door muffling his voice.

Natasha looked to him. Bucky didn’t needed an explanation to understand what she wanted.

“Whatever you’re wearing is looking great,” he said, standing up too.

“Barnes will like it,” Natasha continued, looking back to the door. “You know he will.”

Tony began to open the door.

Bucky really saw no explanation for his hesitation; he looked beautiful, as he always did. The over-sized flannel he wore made him look cute, and the thigh-high shorts made him look sexy - not that Bucky would tell Tony that directly, because, well, that’d be awkward and likely creepy. The white shirt tucked in, simple as it was, made both the flannel and the shorts look like a perfect match.

“You look great,” Bucky said, the smile on his face naturally growing at the sight of Tony after he had processed his beauty.

“See?” Natasha said. “I told you.”

Tony still looked unsure, but there was a tiny smile on his face.

“Now,” Natasha continued. “Off you two go. I have a cake to bake.”

//

On the way to his apartment, they agreed that a sandwich was good enough to eat if one of them felt hungry.

 _Sandwiches are quick and easy_ , Bucky had said.

As he mentioned, Tony agreed with him, but before that, he replied _I like things that are quick and easy, but I don’t mind it when they aren’t_.

Deciding what to watch had been surprisingly harder. Well, it had been harder for Tony. Bucky thought he’d decide that sooner than he’d decide on what to eat, since he seemed to like movies and dislike food, but he didn’t.

To be fair, Bucky wasn’t having success at it either. He was trying to think of a movie that Tony would like to watch, either live-action or animated, but everything seemed to not be good enough.

That was clearly not going to work, so he tried to ask him, “is there anything you’d like to watch again?”

Tony shrugged, but he answered, “yes.”

Noticing that he wouldn’t continue by himself, Bucky gestured for him to continue.

Seemingly embarrassed, Tony bit his bottom lip.

“Okay, so. Have you ever watched Mary Poppins?”

He shook his head.

“But I’ve heard about it.”

Tony smiled. He seemed to be feeling a little bit less embarrassed, and that’s always good.

“Once, when I was a child, a… friend of my family watched it with me. He told me that I’d never forget the first time that I watched it, because it’d be something magical. And he was right. I never did,” he said. That had been convincing enough, and Bucky was on his way to searching for it on Netflix, when Tony added, “That movie was –- and is –- very special to me. I can’t enter in contact with that person, but I’d like to share the experience of watching it with someone that’s special to me. That’d be you.”

He hadn’t expected that.

He hadn’t expected anything similar to that.

“I’m not special,” he protested.

Tony didn’t seemed to be angry, though.

He seemed to be understanding.

“Like I said, you‘re special to me,” he said. “You make me feel happy, and I like you a lot.”

Mary Poppins was on Netflix.

Shyly, Bucky clicked on the play, using Tony’s genuine distraction as an excuse to not reply and to not have his blushing cheeks questioned.

//

Based on the times that he had watched a movie together with Tony, Tony’s reasons for crying weren’t the plot or how good the acting was or the concept of a scene, but what they had made him think of.

Mamma Mia had made him think of his mother.

Mary Poppins had made him think of this friend of his.

Bucky didn’t asked him about it, but he let Tony hug his arm. He held his hand and petted his head, a few times.

He tried to give him comfort in the most platonic forms that he could think of, his heart aching with the desire for something similar but not interpreted as platonic with each touch.

“Wow,” Tony said, after the movie had finished and he was calm enough to speak. “God. I just realized that I’ve no clue of how to spend an entire day watching Disney movies.”

He nodded.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Jim scheduled our…” not date. He had almost said date. To Tony’s face. Not date, but he didn’t knew what word to use besides that. “...thing for too long.”

“He did,” Tony agreed. “I don’t mind being with you, I’m very happy with that, by the way, but I doubt that they’d need so much time to prepare the apartment for a party.”

Bucky’s heart felt happy, giving little jumps, at hearing that Tony liked to be with him. But he was right.

“Sometimes I feel like Jim and Stevie are really into this conspiracy theory that we’re dating each other,” he joked.

Not fully a joke, of course, but…

And for a moment – for a tiny moment – he thought that he had seen Tony freeze, like a deer caught in the headlights, like someone caught in their own lies.

It must have been just an impression, he thought, because it was gone as soon as it came.

“I know what you’re trying to say,” he said, playing with his hands. “But for me, it’s not limited to Rhodey and Steve. It’s a trend between each one of my friends.”

“I assume you find that very annoying,” Bucky replied.

“I’m getting used to it. It’s not so annoying – you’re a great person, I wouldn’t mind dating you.”

Feeling very complimented, Bucky was the one who suggested the next movie.

They had jumped from 1964 to 1937, because, as they were searching for what to watch, Bucky had remembered Snow White and commented that Carol (“my sister,” he cleared, “younger than me, oldest of two.”) used to love that movie as a kid.

It had been a little trickier to find it, since it wasn’t on Netflix. As he searched for it, Tony talked to him.

“You and Nat were oddly pacific,” he said. “earlier. Did something happen?” he asked.

Bucky didn’t liked to lie to Tony, but like with what he felt for him, he felt as if he needed to lie about this.

“No,” he lied. “Like you said, we were just being pacific with each other, I think. Maybe we should try that more often.”

“Maybe you should,” Tony agreed, softly, seeming to be afraid that Bucky would retaliate for the fact that he had implied that he wasn’t completely right in his behavior directed at Natasha. Which, ow, Bucky was angry at whoever made this reaction normal for Tony. “I feel as if it’d be good for you two to talk to each other, but I don’t want to force either of you to do something that you’re not ready or willing to do.”

“Don’t worry,” he replied. “I agree –- talking would be the mature thing to do.”

And there; he had found it.

They were able to watch Snow White with neither of them crying.

They even managed to joke about the movie a little – _I’_ _d_ _eat the apple, you know_ , Tony had said. _It’s shiny, I like shiny things_.

//

It was as if Jim had truly planned something for them, because the marathon alone was tiring. But to be able to talk to Tony, to joke about what they watched, to be nostalgic and to forget the chaos his heart was in for a while was very good.

But, after each live-action and animated Princess-themed movie, almost hid in a poorly scheduled marathon – they had time to one movie, and not more than that, now – was Tangled.

Tangled was something… Something else. Funny and beautiful.

Very cute, too.

Much like Tony, he thought.

As I See The Light began to play, he – who didn’t cared much for musical bits in Disney movies - turned his head to stare at Tony, just for a moment.

What he didn’t expect was that Tony was already staring at him.

Tony blinked. He shook his head, moving his head in the direction of the laptop.

“Sorry,” he said. “You… look great.”

Bucky frowned.

“Were you staring at me the whole time?” he asked, hoping to not sound angry.

Tony shrugged.

“I’ve watched Tangled before,” he murmured. “You looked so happy. I just wanted to stare at you.”

“You can,” he said, as soft as Tony had. “I don’t mind it.”

Tony turned his head back to stare at him. What neither he or Bucky had realized before was that their faces were a little too close.

Bucky was half-way convinced to turn his head back to the laptop and watch the movie, but still not there, lost in Tony’s eyes.

Bucky blinked. Was he making Tony uncomfortable? Because he was almost sure that he was blushing.

Without noticing, almost hypnotized by the universe that was shining in Tony’s eyes, he got closer to him.

 _What are you doing?!_ , his mind tried to ask him, but it had been muffled by the sound of his own heartbeat. He held Tony’s neck, delicately, and--

Tony’s lips had the sweetest taste in the world. They felt like the relief of a painful sensation finally stopping, after having been there for too long. His skin was warm and the way that he embraced Bucky felt so, so nice--

That was when Bucky came back to reality.

He was kissing Tony.

Oh my God. He just--

Tony ended the kiss.

Both of them had their cheeks red. Shyly, Bucky looked down.

“I…” he tried to think of something to say.

He kissed Tony. He kissed Tony, oh my God, did he really--

Tony held his face, carefully moving it until they were looking into each other’s eyes again.

He kissed him again.

Bucky, not sure if this was real or if he had fallen asleep during their marathon, allowed himself to kiss him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bucky and tony!
> 
> sitting in a couch!
> 
> k-i-s-s-i-n-g!
> 
> first comes love!
> 
> then comes marriage!
> 
> (i've never known how this song ends!)


End file.
